


read between the lines (i will if you will)

by Ablissa



Series: read between the lines [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009 Phan, Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Falling In Love, First Love, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Internet, M/M, Phone Sex, Pining, Romance, Sexting, Skype, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Smut, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-11
Updated: 2017-12-04
Packaged: 2018-10-30 12:35:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 72,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10876908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ablissa/pseuds/Ablissa
Summary: Phil ^_^ (5:31 PM)Dan?danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:31 PM)yeah?Phil ^_^ (5:32 PM)I think I'm in love with youI justI can't wait to meet you--Skype conversations between Dan and Phil, leading up to their first meeting. 2009!Phan. Prepare for fluff.





	1. i felt kinda lonely

**Author's Note:**

> This is set before their first real-life meeting in 2009 and will have multiple chapters leading up to it.
> 
> **_Italics_ indicate something happening outside of the conversation.  
> **  
>  ** ~~Strikethrough~~ indicates things that were written, but never sent, only deleted and rewritten as something else.**
> 
> Updates on my works can also be found on tumblr: [phanbliss.tumblr.com](http://phanbliss.tumblr.com)
> 
> P.S Typos are intended for a more authentic feel, and there's a ton of outdated, cringy emoticons in here - you have been warned. :P

-

  _"Shit, shit, shit. I'm late! I'm so late!"_

_Phil barely graces his family with a short **I'm home** before he runs up the stairs, his mum's **Philip! Clean your room!** following him as he reaches the top. Breathless, of course._

_The room is a mess. He boots his laptop. While it's starting up, he throws his backpack on the floor and sits on the bed, desperately trying to fix his hair, just in case._

_By the time he logs on to Skype, it's 10:21 PM._

-

**Phil ^_^ (10:21 PM)**

Hey Dan!

~~I'm so sorry I'm late :(~~

~~I know you don't mind but sorry I'm late! :(~~

~~I was trying to get home as fast as I could, I promise!~~

I think I'm a bit later than usual, are you still here?

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (10:21 PM)**

phiiiiiiiiiil

yes i am

although my mums been yelling at me to go to sleep lol

but

i am a rebel xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:22 PM)**

Hahaha

I bet you are, Dan

 

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (10:23 PM)**

whats that supposed to mean! :p

i am well and truly a rebel

also

have you been kidnapped by a shark? xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:24 PM)**

No, it was a llama actually

It took me hostage and refused to let go until my parents paid it 3 quid

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (10:24 PM)**

oh

that was becky the llama

i sent it to kidnap u.

i wanted the 3 quid for maltesers.

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:25 PM)**

Surely you could kidnap just about anyone for 3 quid?! Your plan is flawed.

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check.  (10:21 PM)**

youre a reliable source

i know your family must have at least 3 quid

AND.

i know u so i know u would pay up just to not be eaten by my super llama.

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:26 PM)**

~~What if I didn't pay anything? ;)~~

~~What if I didn't pay anything? =o~~

-

_"Ah, fuck it."_

-

**Phil ^_^ (10:26 PM)**

What about if I refused to pay anything? What would this strange llama do =/

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check.  (10:27 PM)**

good question.

the original plan was that it would eat you

but maybe id just have it send you to me

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:27 PM)**

Should I be scared? =o

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check.  (10:28 PM)**

maybe

that depends

ask yourself if having to be stuck with me is scary xD

 

-

_Phil takes a deep breath. His cheeks feel awfully hot._

_It must be due to the temperature in the room._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:28 PM)**

That depends on what would happen next :p

 

-

_He minimizes the chat window._

_He can't bear to wait for Dan to reply._

-

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check.  (10:28 PM)**

i would just lock you in my basement forever xD

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (10:29 PM)**

that way you would never leave

 

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:29 PM)**

Perhaps I shouldn't have paid up then! :p

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (10:31 PM)**

ugh

hold on

mum's flipping out =/

 

-

_He exhales._

_Voice of reason tells him that this is for the best, but the twinge of disappointment eating away at his subconscious disagrees._

-

 

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:31 PM)**

Maybe you should just go to bed? I don't wanna keep you..

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:32 PM)**

I'm sorry I'm so late today

James dragged me to the cinema and I missed my bus home :[

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (10:34 PM)**

im back

ive got 10 minutes before she disowns me 

and its ok

was it a good one? :P

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:35 PM)**

I don't know really xD

I was kinda distracted

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (10:35 PM)**

by what? :o

 

-

_Theoretically, he shouldn't say anything._

_He's kind of talked himself into a corner._

_Intentionally? He honestly can't tell._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:36 PM)**

All kinds of stuff =x

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (10:37 PM)**

like what?

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:37 PM)**

Thinking

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (10:37 PM)**

thinking about?

 

-

_Somehow, knowing that Dan is bound to leave in a moment gives him the courage he's been lacking for the past couple of weeks._

_Just a little push._

_With that push, he takes things further than he's ever taken them before._

-

 

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:38 PM)**

~~You~~

I was thinking that it'd be nice to be going to the cinema with you instead

 

-

_Phil minimizes the chat window again. His heart is racing as he waits for the response._

_Two minutes pass. Might as well have been two years._

_Phil waits an additional thirty seconds before checking the message._

-

 

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (10:42 PM)**

so you think of that too..?

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:43 PM)**

What do you mean? 

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (10:43 PM)**

are you really gonna make me say it hahah

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:43 PM)**

...Yes :P

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (10:44 PM)**

ok um

so you think it would be nice to hang out with me?

like irl

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (10:45 PM)**

is that what u meant =x

 

-

_His throat is made of sandpaper and his palms are made of sweat._

_His heart, on the other hand, is made of erratic, quickened heartbeats racing deep inside his chest._

_And it's meaningless, all this. Just words on a screen in a dark bedroom._

_Meaningless._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:45 PM)**

Yeah

I mean

~~More than nice really~~

Is that okay? :s

 

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (10:45 PM)**

phil

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:46 PM)**

Yeah?

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (10:46 PM)**

obviously its okay

you spork xD

i just

i didnt think you thought about that too

 

-

**_Too_ ** **.**

_Phil knows what Dan means, knows all too well._

_But does he?_

_The internet leaves so much to interpretation. So much room to misunderstand._

_Too much._

-

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (10:47 PM)**

coz i do

a lot :x

 

-

_The dam breaks without warning._

_His fingers fly across the keyboard without control._

_The dam is long forgotten by the end of the sentence._

-

 

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:48 PM)**

The whole day today I kept thinking how nice it would be to just go out with you =x

I mean

go out to the movies

Or something

Get some popcorn and make fun of the bad dialogue and just

I dont know just see you, you know?

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:49 PM)**

~~You don't hate me do you =/~~

I'm sorry if this comes off as creepy or something :[ I don't mean it that way

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (10:50 PM)**

jesus phil

u couldnt be creepy if you tried :p

i think about that a lot

the other night

i was lying in bed

listening to muse

and i thought like

who else would appreciate this exact moment with me

and i instantly knew that it would be you

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (10:51 PM)**

i felt kinda lonely then...

 

-

_Phil's breath has been taken from him rather abruptly, but he adjusts._

_The conversation is far too interesting and meaningful for him to just up and faint, smack in the middle of it._

-

 

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:52 PM)**

I felt lonely today too =/

~~I often do when I'm not talking to you~~

Even though James was there the whole time

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:53 PM)**

It would be awesome to show you around town, take you places etc

I think that even going to Tesco's would be fun with you =P

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (10:53 PM)**

hahaha i would throw the strangest things into your cart so that the cashier thinks ur weird xD

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (10:54 PM)**

i didnt think you thought of me outside of when we talk

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:54 PM)**

~~I think about you all the time~~

I didn't think you thought about me either :p

Do you really?

 

-

_**Shit** , he thinks after five minutes of no response._

**_Maybe I've been reading it all wrong._ **

-

**Phil ^_^ (11:01 PM)**

Dan? =/

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (11:02 PM)**

ughhh my mum's going batshit insane >.<

i really have to go

im sorry =//

 

-

_The blood in his veins is replaced with liquid disappointment._

_This is one of those (increasingly rare) moments when he is glad that he and Dan don't know each other in real life. And that Dan is not here to witness his sour expression._

-

 

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:02 PM)**

Its okay, go, I dont want you to get in trouble :[ I'm sry

 

-

_He is about to apologize for everything else, too. But then he sees that Dan is typing and chooses to wait._

-

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (11:04 PM)**

phil

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:04 PM)**

Yeah, Dan?

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (11:04 PM)**

i wanna tell u something

before i go

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:04 PM)**

?

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (11:06 PM)**

i want to meet you irl

like for real

i really want to =x

 

-

_Phil stared at those three lines long after Dan had gone offline._

_Later, as he goes to sleep, he can't help feeling that something had changed._

_And it can never be undone._


	2. i look like a dork

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter turned out a bit all over the place, but I imagine that's how their conversations would look like back in those days.  
> It also contains Star Wars references. If you're not a fan, a Padawan is basically a student/learner/apprentice. :P

 

_The next day_

_-_

 

**Phil ^_^ (3:41 PM)**

Hey Dan!! ^_^

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (3:41 PM)**

omg its the AMAZINGPHIL! xD hi!!!

 

**Phil ^_^ (3:42 PM)**

Never greet me like that again please xD

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (3:42 PM)**

alright AMAZINGPHIL

i wont

 

**Phil ^_^ (3:42 PM)**

Do you want me to go insane? :[

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (3:43 PM)**

maybe? :P

 

**Phil ^_^ (3:43 PM)**

I have a bad feeling about this

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (3:43 PM)**

itsatrap.jpg

 

**Phil ^_^ (3:43 PM)**

still much to learn you have, young padawan

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (3:44 PM)**

i feel insulted

u just up and called me a padawan = i know nothing = loser = im insulted :[[

 

**Phil ^_^ (3:44 PM)**

Youre the one that said you want me to go insane! Im just defending myself

Oops

Lost a couple of apostrophes there :P ''''

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (3:45 PM)**

and u call ME a padawan

nobody on the internet uses apostrophes xD

or proper grammar

GET ON WITH THE TIMES old padawan

 

**Phil ^_^ (3:45 PM)**

So now I'm soon to be insane + old + a loser......

Anything else to add before I jump off a cliff? =[

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (3:46 PM)**

yes actually

 

**Phil ^_^ (3:46 PM)**

I'm scared

 

**Phil ^_^ (3:47 PM)**

what else? :p

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (3:47 PM)**

hiiiii phiiiiiiiil :D

how are you????

 

**Phil ^_^ (3:47 PM)**

I'm sad and insulted! :P

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (3:47 PM)**

i was just trolling you

honest

<3

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (3:48 PM)**

how are uuuuuu

tell me :]

 

**Phil ^_^ (3:48 PM)**

I'm alright ^_^

~~I couldn't wait to get home and talk to yoou~~

But how about you? I kept you up late last night =/

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (3:48 PM)**

haha

my parents got pissed

but it wasnt that late

remember last week? xD

so it was alright

 

**Phil ^_^ (3:49 PM)**

Oh

I'm glad it wasn't too bad =/

~~I didn't want you to go~~

~~-~~

_His fingers are itching to type something that he isn't sure about._

_He wants to mention last night._

_He opens his message history and scrolls all the way down until he finds their last conversation._

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (11:06 PM)**

i want to meet you irl

like for real

i really want to =x

_Phil wants to mention it, but despite that fact, he can't bring himself to actually send the message._

_-_

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (3:49 PM)**

ive had worse :P

its fine

 

 

-

_**Come on, Phil** , he thinks to himself._

_**Say it. Ask him about it**._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (3:50 PM)**

~~Do you remember what we were talking about last night?~~

~~Did you mean what you said last night?~~

How did revising go?

 

-

**_Really Phil? REALLY?_ **

**_Are you his mother now?_ **

_He's sitting on the bed, back propped against some pillows. He sighs and slumps further into them._

_He is a lost cause, well and truly a lost cause._

-

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (3:51 PM)**

it went as usual

and by that i mean horrible

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (3:52 PM)**

i ended up playing ddr the whole morning xD

but rly this is bullshit

gap year and i still have to revise :[

i cant wait until i start uni next year

except i can

because i dont know what to do with my life.

 

**Phil ^_^ (3:53 PM)**

Uni is really not so bad once you get used to it ^_^

but yeah

I get what you mean

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (3:53 PM)**

obviously it wouldnt have been bad for someone like you

everyone must have loved you there

 

**Phil ^_^ (3:53 PM)**

Hahah if they did then i havent noticed!

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (3:54 PM)**

its not always that easy to spot

i think

not that i would know =p

 

**Phil ^_^ (3:54 PM)**

Is that why I haven't had anyone in my time at Uni? :P

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (3:55 PM)**

probably

i mean

im 1000% sure there are people out there who have a massive crush on you

 

**Phil ^_^ (3:56 PM)**

~~Even if that ws true I wouldn't be interested~~

~~I know of at least one person that could say the same about you :P~~

Look at yourself Dan, I could say the same about you ^_^

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (3:56 PM)**

you dont know me irl

im so awkward :[

so thats not true whatsoever haha

 

-

_This is dangerous territory. The conversation suddenly steered back to topics that interest Phil far, far more than revising and whether any of his uni mates have a crush on him (which, let's be honest, ridiculous). _

_Phil takes a swig of Ribena, gingerly sets the glass down on his bedside table, and starts typing._

-

**Phil ^_^ (3:57 PM)**

I'm sure you're not

You're amazing online, can't be that different irl :]

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (3:57 PM)**

:]]

quit making me smile phil

i look like a dork xD

 

-

_Phil has seen photos of Dan, but they have never had a video call yet._

_Even so, Phil always made sure to fix his hair just in case they would. He knows that Dan has a webcam._

_A strange pang of longing hits him, and that odd feeling of loneliness returns in full force._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (3:58 PM)**

I have photo evidence to prove otherwise =] :P

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (3:59 PM)**

ur just being nice

i look like a weirdo when i smile =/

 

**Phil ^_^ (3:59 PM)**

No you don't

Besides

If you look like a weirdo, then I look like a serial killer :[

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (4:00 PM)**

my parents are going to be thrilled if i tell them i want to go to manchester to meet a serial killer xD

and no you dont! you know you dont :P

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:00 PM)**

~~Hurry up and tell them so i can meet you sooner :P~~

~~This serial killer would love to meet you too =P~~

Don't tell them the serial killer part and it should be fine! I promise I won't kill you... Maybe

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (4:01 PM)**

ill print this and show them as evidence that u wont kill me xD

what do serial killers do when theyre not killing their victims? =o should i bring some special outfit

 

-

_Phil pauses, mulling over the course of the current conversation._

_He shrugs, if only to try and convince himself that he isn't... Excited? Nervous? Anxious?_

_Something along the lines._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:02 PM)**

Well

I'm not sure if I should tell you :[

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (4:02 PM)**

yes u should

how else can i prepare myself? x_x

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:03 PM)**

You don't need to prepare yourself

~~I already think you're perfect~~

You're perfect as you are :]

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (4:05 PM)**

i know you phil lester

u are changing the subject

by being sweet =] but still xD

 

-

_Phil has been called sweet before, but never by Dan._

_He knows, even now, that he will likely read this again before going to sleep._

-

 

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:06 PM)**

Wellll

If I was the 'serial killer' and you were my victim

~~You'd be in serious trouble :P~~

I wouldn't kill you but I'd ruin your day :[

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (4:06 PM)**

you couldnt do that if you tried :]

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:07 PM)**

I totally would =/

Say you were in Manchester

I'd probably take you out for coffee

See a movie like we talked about yesterday =]

Play some Crash Bandicoot!

Maybe take you up on the ferris wheel if you wouldnt scream too loudly xD

I'm a scary serial killer =/

serial Dan bother-er :P

~~Just realized this sounds more like a date than anything else hahah sorry =x~~

Are you scared yet? =P

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (4:09 PM)**

so scared

hey

yesterday i said i wanna meet you irl

remember?

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:09 PM)**

Yeah?

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (4:09 PM)**

i take it back

 

-

_Phil's heart stops._

_It restarts right after, surely, but he pays it no mind, a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach overwhelming him entirely._

-

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (4:10 PM)**

i dont WANT to meet you

i need to meet you :[

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:10 PM)**

Omg Dan I had a ~~gigantic~~  mild freak out right then :[

Was scared I said something wrong!

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (4:10 PM)**

noooooo buuuut i just wanna do all that stuff you said =[

and so much more

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:11 PM)**

~~What else?~~

Me too :[

~~So badly~~

why do you not live where I do =/

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (4:11 PM)**

because life hates me =p

clearly

:(

come to wokingham its cool i promise!

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:12 PM)**

you come to Rawtenstall!

Or Manchester rather

that's less boring =P

 

-

_After three minutes of silence, Phil checks whether his internet is working for the fourth time._

-

**Phil ^_^ (4:16 PM)**

Are you here? =[

 

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (4:17 PM)**

i was just looking up tickets

reading to manchester is £70 =//

 

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:18 PM)**

Thats crazy expensive =/ its like less than 300 miles!

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (4:18 PM)**

i know =[

i need to get another shit job and it will be okay =[

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:19 PM)**

That's not fair

If we do meet we should split the cost :]

~~where would you stay though =/?~~

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (4:19 PM)**

noooo :P

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:19 PM)**

Yeees

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (4:21 PM)**

:[

this sucks

why is it that the one time i meet someone i get along with so well they have to live so fucking far :[[

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:22 PM)**

~~I wish you lived closer =[~~

it could be worse

I could live in like i dont know, Las Vegas x_x

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (4:22 PM)**

yeah true

but phil.

do u mean it? that you would like to meet

sometime

maybe not now but eventually :]

 

-

_Phil takes a deep breath, exhales, types just one word in reply, without hesitation._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:23 PM)**

Absolutely

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:25 PM)**

do you? :]

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (4:26 PM)**

of course i do

you have no idea how relieved i am right now xD i was worried id creep you out =[

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:26 PM)**

Haha you didn't creep me out!

I'm the serial killer, remember? :P Creepy by definition :[

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (4:27 PM)**

u gotta change your ways now phil xD

if you end up in prison im not coming to visit xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:27 PM)**

thanks Dan

Good to know I can always count on you xD

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (4:27 PM)**

im serious

i wouldnt come visit

id break you out and steal you for myself xD

 

-

_Phil's cheeks feel hot, burning hot._

_He was meant to get some food, but he actually managed to forget all about it._

_They talk about the most random things, yet everything seems to have a second meaning._

_His head is swimming with ideas, guesses and a pinch of dreams._

-

**Phil ^_^ (4:28 PM)**

~~yes please :]~~

and then what? =o

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (4:28 PM)**

you tell me :P

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:28 PM)**

You're the one doing the stealing!

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (4:29 PM)**

cant expect me to do everything philip! xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:29 PM)**

Yes I can

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (4:29 PM)**

no u cant!

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:30 PM)**

Yes I can

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (4:30 PM)**

no u cant!

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:30 PM)**

Yes I can

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (4:30PM)**

no u cant!

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:31 PM)**

Yes I caaaaaaan xD

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (4:33 PM)**

omg i hate u my dad came in and he went like 'why are u smiling at the computer' fml

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:34 PM)**

Arf

~~I wanna see :]]~~

~~Let me see your smile please? ^_^~~

Sorry but Im not sorry :]] :P

Hey Dan?

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (4:34 PM)**

yes phiiil? :]

 

-

_The burst of courage comes out of nowhere, and just this once, Phil chooses to take advantage._

_He presses the button and just like last night, this too can never be undone._

-

 

** Phil ^_^ has initiated a video call **

**Accept                   Decline**


	3. I just --

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the delay in updating this, I'm trying to update my main WIP consistently, but I intend to finish this one as well, probably long before I finish the 'main' WIP.  
> Leave me feedback on this story please, this is a new style for me and if something is bad I want to know :)  
>  **Reminder**   
>  Italics indicate something happening outside of the conversation.  
> Strikethrough indicates things that were written, but never sent, only deleted and rewritten as something else.

 

** Phil ^_^ has initiated a video call **

**Accept                   Decline**

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (4:34 PM)**

whattt =o

phil you dont want to see me trust me

i look disgusting :P

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:35 PM)**

Yes I doooo

I've seen your pictures Dan! You look great ^_^

Come on, it will be fun :]]

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (4:35 PM)**

buuut i havent fixed my hair or anything xD

its not even straightened =[

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:36 PM)**

I haven't fixed mine either!

 

-

_That's a lie. He's been fixing it ever since he first had the thought that he and Dan might have a video call someday._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:36 PM)**

Come on Dan :D

Or I mean, not unless you really don't want to :] which is totally okay of course!

I don't want to force you

 

-

_Anxiety sets in, because he may have gotten overexcited at the prospect of seeing Dan, but he never once wished to pressure his friend._

_He gives himself two minutes of waiting for a reply. If it doesn't come, he will try and take it all back. And apologise._

-

 

** danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. joins the call **

Connecting...

 

** Video call with danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. **

**-**

_On the right side of their message window, two separate screens appear: a smaller one for Phil, a bigger one for Dan._

_Phil glances at his own camera for an instant, feeling entirely not up to standard when it comes to hair and just overall looks, but decides it hardly matters. Dan has seen him in videos plenty of times, and most likely doesn't find him hideous. Maybe._

_Dan's camera takes forever to load, so Phil's eyes are trained on a dark, pixelated square for almost a full minute before, at last, Dan comes into view._

_The quality of the video is bad, so bad, but Phil has just enough imagination to make up for it._

_Dan's hair is curly, something he had never shown Phil before. Dan's eyes flit all over the screen before at last pausing on what Phil assumes must be their video call. Dan is wearing a dark shirt with a cut big enough to expose a bit of his collarbones._

_The boy bites down on his lip, as if anxious, then seemingly catches himself and offers a small, nervous smile in the general direction of the webcam._

_Dan looks gorgeous, so bloody gorgeous that Phil doesn't even know what to say anymore._

_Phil smiles in what he hopes is a confident fashion, and begins typing._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:38 PM)**

Dan you're crazy

You look amazing :]

 

-

_Dan seems to chuckle in disbelief at this; Phil only wishes he could hear the actual sound._

_They have had a few voice calls before, but he figures that it's best to take it one thing at a time._

-

 

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (4:39 PM)**

no i dont :[

im sorry about my hair :[

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:39 PM)**

~~Everything about you looks perfect~~

But I think it looks great like that! :]

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (4:40 PM)**

haha nooo

youre the one with great hair out of the two of us :P

im like this fan boy wannabe

 

_-_

_Dan seems quite shy, casting quick little looks at the screen and then staring at the keyboard._

_Phil wonders if he was right to do this on impulse without any preparation, but at the same time, seeing Dan feels too good to pass up on._

_-_

**Phil ^_^ (4:41 PM)**

Well

I think you look amazing

And I'm happy to see you like this =]

 

_-_

_Dan's eyes meet the camera. He smiles._

_Phil does the same._

_His heart is beating, beating, beating. Faster and faster and faster._

_Dan is an internet friend. They have never met._

_It's all meaningless._

_Dan looks lovely. There are dimples in his cheeks when he smiles._

_Phil is done for._

_-_

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (4:41 PM)**

welllllllllll

me too =x

ive been wanting to see you for a while now

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (4:42 PM)**

but honestly

this is so weird?? xD

cause like

i watch your videos all day every day

and this is like my own video

hahah sorry this sounds so lame

im such an idiot :[

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:42 PM)**

No it doesn't

Stop insulting my friend

 

_-_

_Dan seems puzzled for a second, brows drawn tight._

_-_

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (4:44 PM)**

what friend =o

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:44 PM)**

You xD

You plum

Dont insult yourself

I get sad

And Lion too

 

_-_

_Phil reaches towards his bedside drawer and takes the lion plushie that rests on it._

_He brings it up close towards the camera and observes the way his meaning dawns on Dan._

_His smile is a sight that Phil could easily get addicted to._

_-_

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (4:45 PM)**

well if it makes you sad then id better stop xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:45 PM)**

Exactly!!!

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (4:46 PM)**

this isnt what you normally film videos with right? =o

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:46 PM)**

No this is just my laptop camera

Hold on I'll show you :]

 

-

_Phil stands up and sets his laptop on the bed, somewhat self-conscious of what Dan might see as he is walking towards his desk to get his camera._

_He casts a glance over his shoulder and finds Dan staring intently at the screen._

_Upon returning to his bed, he shows Dan the camera._

-

**Phil ^_^ (4:48 PM)**

There it is

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (4:48 PM)**

looks rad :]

i dont have a proper camera

but id be shit at making videos anyways =/

so i dont need one

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:48 PM)**

Dan

What did I say about insulting my friend! =[

 

-

_Phil pulls his best angry face._

_Dan giggles, covering his mouth with his hand._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:49 PM)**

~~asdasdshfdasdh you look so cute~~

This is no laughing matter

Now you have to apologise :p

 

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (4:49 PM)**

sorrryyy phiiiiiiiiiil xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:49 PM)**

Not to me

To yourself =P

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (4:50 PM)**

make me

 

-

_Seeing those two words, combined with Dan's shy yet inviting look towards the camera, have a strange effect on Phil._

_He pushes his stupid thoughts aside. As best as he can._

-

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (4:51 PM)**

this is so funny xD i can see you thinking hard

phil the super genius :P

are you trying to come up with a way to make me apologise? =o

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:51 PM)**

Maybe

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:52 PM)**

What works best?

Should I try to convince you in a positive or negative way?

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (4:52 PM)**

DUH

positive.

bribe me!

and then ill think about it

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:53 PM)**

What kind of bribes are you interested in =o?

 

-

_Dan looks to the side for a moment._

_He bites down on his lip again._

_Briefly, Phil wonders if all of this is intended to drive him mad. Because if it is, it's kind of working._

-

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (4:54 PM)**

guess =x

 

-

_Phil swallows down the lump in his throat._

_Seeing Dan as they're talking simultaneously makes everything easier and harder._

_Easier, because he can somehow see the meaning hidden between the lines._

_Harder, because he can't possibly know the meaning behind Dan's quick little glances._

_He wishes he could see the boy in real life._

_Figure things out for himself. Not go in blind._

_But somehow, he can't wait much longer._

-

**Phil ^_^ (4:54 PM)**

Welllll

~~I could do anything you wanted~~

~~For example i could owe you one favor, anything you want :]~~

Irl bribes or internet bribes? =P

 

-

_Despite the poor quality, he sees Dan smile and shake his head._

_Their eyes meet through their respective cameras._

_Phil's heart is racing, racing, racing._

-

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (4:54 PM)**

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm xD

seeing as we established we want to meet

and i hope we will =]

irl bribes it is xD

ill stack up on them before we see each other and ur gonna be my slave for our entire meeting

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:55 PM)**

Is that so

I'll start stacking up too then!

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:56 PM)**

But for your first one... How about I buy you coffee when you get here ^_^

If you visit me that is

Or if I visit you I can buy you coffee there =P

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (4:56 PM)**

pfff

i already assumed you would

im high maintenance xD

 

-

_Phil laughs at that. He catches the proud grin that blooms on Dan's face upon seeing his reaction._

-

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (4:57 PM)**

try harder

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:57 PM)**

You do realise I will be bribing you to apologise to yourself? xD

This is such a bad deal!!

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (4:57 PM)**

i can just keep talking shit about myself then?!

 

-

_Phil shakes his head in lieu of replying._

_He's starting to feel more comfortable on camera with Dan, and Dan is slowly becoming more expressive too._

_He already can't wait for the next time they do this._

-

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (4:58 PM)**

thennnnnn youd better pay up :PP

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:59 PM)**

Fine

I'll buy you dinner then!

free food > free coffee.

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (4:59 PM)**

buying shit is too easy

think again =P

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:00 PM)**

You gotta give me a hint Dan! :(

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:00 PM)**

i cant

i dont know what i want :]

im just fucking with you im happy with anything xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:01 PM)**

~~Fucking with me?? this conversation just got a lot more interesting =o~~

Are you now?

 

-

_Dan's eyes widen visibly as it dawns on him. Phil can't help laughing. Dan, meanwhile, hides his face in embarrassment, but Phil can see him shaking from barely-contained laughter too._

-

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:02 PM)**

yes phil that is totally what i meant =PP

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:02 PM)**

Good to know

~~Can't wait... =x~~

I'll have to prepare for when we meet xD

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:02 PM)**

ur the worst i swear xD

if your viewers saw this conversation what would they say xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:03 PM)**

You tell me

You're my favourite viewer :]

 

-

_Dan's lips part in what Phil assumes is an awww kind of noise._

_Maybe next time they will use both their cameras and microphones. That would be amazing._

-

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:04 PM)**

keep that up and i might believe u

in like 10 years =P

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:04 PM)**

Deal

I'll tell you every day ^_^

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:05 PM)**

theres your first bribe then :]

now i have to start thinking of more things

i want more bribes xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:06 PM)**

~~It's not like you don't have an infinite amount when it comes to me =P~~

I need to prepare then too :]

Dan

What one thing do you want the most right now?

 

-

_A hint of white appears on the screen as Dan, once again, bites down on his lip. It seems like a frequent, most distracting, habit._

_If the question was reversed, Phil wouldn't have to think twice about his answer._

-

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:07 PM)**

mmm

i mean...

there is something

but its not really a thing =P

what about you?

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:08 PM)**

~~You~~

To see you irl :]

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:08 PM)**

ughhhh me too =[

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:09 PM)**

you know what

lets make an actual plan

first

i think it would be easier if i visit you BUT i dont think i can afford train + hotel =//

 

-

_Phil, at first taken aback by the change in their conversation, is immediately on board with this._

_He wants to see Dan. Properly. And explore all this, whatever this is, without any misunderstandings._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:10 PM)**

Don't be silly Dan

You could stay here

if you want

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:10 PM)**

:]

then its just train tickets

if i buy them in advance it wont be that expensive

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:11 PM)**

How about we keep an eye on prices for a few days and see what we should be going for?

And I really want to pay half

Please Dan :]

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:11 PM)**

nooooooooo xD

phil

seriously

im like this creepy weird fan of yours =P

i should be paying YOU to meet me tbh lol

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:12 PM)**

No you're not

~~You mean so much to me Dan~~

You're important to me =]

I want to see you

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:12 PM)**

but i mean it

i should be paying YOU =/

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:13 PM)**

You can pay me in other ways

Like by hanging out with me =]

 

-

_Dan stares at the screen, seemingly dumbfounded. Phil sends a smile his way that Dan responds to in kind, although his own smile is rather timid in comparison._

-

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:14 PM)**

you are too nice

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:14 PM)**

No you

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:14 PM)**

you

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:14 PM)**

No you

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:14 PM)**

you

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:14 PM)**

No you

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:15 PM)**

youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. FULL STOP

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:15 PM)**

Now I could just disagree forever until you bribe me =o

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:16 PM)**

im stubborn

you know that xD

you can bribe me to stop =P

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:16 PM)**

ffs Dan. You're greedy xD

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:17 PM)**

im a businessman

so

1\. 1st bribe is you tell me every day that im your favourite viewer :]

for 10 years

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:18 PM)**

I'll set a reminder in my calendar!

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:18 PM)**

=]]

2nd bribe = ???

im open to suggestions

 

-

_Phil spends a prolonged moment simply staring at Dan._

_Dan meets his gaze for an instant before looking to the side. A small strand of hair is getting into his eyes._

_Phil wishes he could reach through the screen to brush it away._

_He is losing his grip on reality. Or is he only just now finding it?_

_Slowly, every version of reality seems to revolve around Dan._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:20 PM)**

Um,

I already forgot what I'm bribing you for

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:20 PM)**

doesnt matter

you promised

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:21 PM)**

I may have gotten distracted but Im sure I didn't promise anything! =P

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:22 PM)**

whats distracting you?

 

-

_Fuck it._

-

**Phil ^_^ (5:22 PM)**

You are

You really do look amazing :]

~~Makes me wish~~

~~I wish i could~~

~~I want to~~

I wish you were here

 

-

_Dan's expression turns serious now. He looks straight into the camera for a moment before replying._

-

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:24 PM)**

you have no idea how long i have wished for that phil

really.

 

-

Phil's shoulders heave as he sighs.

Dan does the same.

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:25 PM)**

When we meet

~~I want to hold you forever~~

I just... i really want to hug you

Is that okay?

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:25 PM)**

yesplease :]

ugh.

i cant wait

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:27 PM)**

im just

im so lucky that you talk to me =]

thank you phil

 

-

_The camera quality doesn't allow Phil to see it, but he is pretty sure that it's a tear that Dan is wiping away._

_His heart clenches._

_In the back of his mind, he can imagine kissing those tears away before they stain Dan's cheeks._

-

**Phil ^_^ (5:29 PM)**

I'm the lucky one

Don't argue. I mean it

 

-

_They both stop typing for a moment, just observing one another on their respective screens._

_Phil takes a deep breath._

_He can't hold back anymore. He'll take that leap of faith._

_He only hopes he hasn't misinterpreted things horribly._

_He couldn't have._

_Right?_

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:31 PM)**

Dan?

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:31 PM)**

yeah?

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:32 PM)**

~~I think I'm in love with you~~

~~I'm in love with you~~

I just

 

-

_It feels so right, and yet so wrong._

_He could be wrong. He could be._

_He could ruin all of this before it even properly begins._

_Clutches of fear hold him back, stubborn and merciless._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:34 PM)**

I can't wait to see you

 

-

_Dan casts him a short glance._

_Phil, at first, identifies Dan's expression as disappointment._

_But he could be wrong about that too._

-

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:35 PM)**

lets make a deal

lets give it a month

we will look at prices and so on

but a month.

maximum.

if we dont find a good deal we just pay more and meet

because i dont want to wait

deal?

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:35 PM)**

Deal

 

-

_When they say good night many hours later, Phil marks the first day in his calendar._

_They have a plan and they have a deal._

_A month from now, he will have met Dan Howell in real life._

-


	4. Is it wrong that I --

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your comments on the last chapter :)  
> Please let me know if you like (or hate) this one, any feedback is super appreciated!

-

_Dan is online, and Phil is too._

_Has been for the past thirty minutes._

_Usually one of them would have said hi by now._

_Why hasn't Dan said anything?_

_Why hasn't Phil?_

_Phil knows why. Because of last night._

_They made a deal that they would meet within a month and... And Phil wonders if he may have said too much._

_~~Or too little~~ _

_He wasn't consciously aware of the extent of his own feelings up until last night, even though he knows he's had them for much longer._

_Now he wants everything and he wants it all at once and he --_

_And he is scared to bother Dan, because what if all of this is one-sided?_

_He is being pathetic._

_He closes his eyes, tilts his head backwards, shakes it slightly and takes a deep breath._

_He's doing this._

_Nothing has changed, has it?_

_But it could. And that is precisely the point._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:35 PM)**

Hiiii Daaaan :]

 

-

_Dan's reply is almost instant._

_It makes Phil wonder if he too was sitting there waiting. For a sign. For something. Anything._

_-_

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:35 PM)**

phil!!!!!!!!!

hellooo~~

how are you =]?

 

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:36 PM)**

~~Just missing you~~

~~Lonely, why haven't you said anything to me yet! xD~~

Fine now :D

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:36 PM)**

now? =o

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:37 PM)**

because I'm bothering you again

duh xD

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:37 PM)**

hahahaha

hahaa

ha.

YOU bothering ME xD

may i remind you who literally stalked you for months? ??? ? ? ??

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:38 PM)**

Was it Sarah Michelle Gellar?

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:38 PM)**

=[

im sorry im not buffy phil

youre gonna have to make do with just me =P

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:38 PM)**

You say that like it's a bad thing

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:38 PM)**

isnt it?

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:39 PM)**

No ^_^

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:39 PM)**

=]

 

-

_Phil is slowly beginning to relax._

_Whatever kept them from messaging each other seems gone now. Dan is much the same as usual._

_Phil, however..._

_Something is different._

_Words flow without any further assistance. He can't help himself anymore._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:39 PM)**

I really liked seeing you yesterday =x

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:40 PM)**

really? =o

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:40 PM)**

Of course

I'm sorry if I pressured you into it somehow =/

Couldn't stop thinking about that later

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:41 PM)**

dont be daft

if i didnt want to do it i wouldnt have :]

it felt great to see you

i mean i already watch you all the time on youtube xD

but like i said

it was like.. just for me

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:41 PM)**

i felt special =p

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:41 PM)**

Good! You are :]

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:42 PM)**

no im not

or rather

i am eSPECIALly loser-ish xD

but you're really sweet =]

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:42 PM)**

noooooOO

What did I say about being mean to my friend!

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:43 PM)**

ooo right

you still owe me a bribe xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:43 PM)**

Oh

For starters -

You are my favourite viewer everrr Dan :]

That's the first one

Only 9 years 11 months and 29 days to go

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:44 PM)**

youd better keep your promise!

have to tell me every day

so you cant stop talking to me :]

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:45 PM)**

~~I couldn't if I tried~~

As long as you dont start hating me I will

And if you do then I'll just send you a postcard every day saying that xD

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:45 PM)**

i hate a lot of things/people

but not you

phil lester :D

you wont get away =P

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:45 PM)**

Now I feel special :]

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:46 PM)**

yay

then there is at least one good thing ive accomplished during my life xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:46 PM)**

Daaaaaaaannnnnnnnn

Seriously :[

What can I do to make you see how ~~perfect~~ great you are

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:47 PM)**

you cant

because im not =P

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:47 PM)**

I feel so powerless just talking to you like this =/

I want you to be proud of yourself because you're a great person

But I know that to you it's probably just words on a screen

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:48 PM)**

it isnt

its just

no ones ever been so nice to me before and we havent even met

and i mean

i literally was/am your fanboy/stalker xD

so its like wow wtf

this guy talks to me

and doesnt hate me

and he says im great ??? when i totally do not think so myself xD

you know what i mean?

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:49 PM)**

I do

But Dan

You deserve so much more

Really...

I'm not trying to be nice

 

-

_Phil missed the moment when the conversation became so serious._

_He runs his fingers through his hair and sighs._

_Powerless, yes, that's the right word. English Language and Linguistics, probably the only use he'll get out of that degree is knowing what word fits what situation._

_Only he's never been in this particular one before._

_Dan is, is... Amazing and wonderful and breathtaking in every sense of the word, he knows as much without even having met him, and yet Dan seems to think so little of himself, and Phil desperately wants that to change, but he has no idea where to even begin._

_While waiting for Dan to respond, he pulls up a few train booking websites to check the prices._

-

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:50 PM)**

thats why you are

because you dont try to :]

youre just this genuinely lovely person

everyone that knows you/will ever know you is so lucky :]

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:50 PM)**

And the same goes to you

:]

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:51 PM)**

=]]

what did i tell you about making me smile

stop it! xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:51 PM)**

Why should I stop?

I want it to happen more ^_^

I want you to smile always :]

~~Just wish I was there to see it for myself~~

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:52 PM)**

ughhh

phil...

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:52 PM)**

Yeah Dan?

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:52 PM)**

nvm =x

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:53 PM)**

Noo tell me =(

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:53 PM)**

i will one day

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:53 PM)**

but now I'm worried what it was

Tell meeeeh

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:54 PM)**

its nothing bad

i hope xD

 

-

_Phil is reminded of the message he wrote but never sent last night._

_He is overcome by a sudden urge to give that a go again._

_But he won't. He can't._

_Not until he is certain about what hides within the messages they exchange._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:55 PM)**

What were you going to say!

I bet it's something like that you got married and you're moving to India

:[

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:55 PM)**

yes phil

i totally found someone who would be stupid enough to marry me AND got married to them over night xD

how did you guess

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:56 PM)**

but

you are kinda close on one thing

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:56 PM)**

?!?!?

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:56 PM)**

i am *going* to india

next yr

my parents are going and taking me with

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:57 PM)**

Wow

How random is that

It's like I'm psychic xD

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:57 PM)**

can you predict the future? =o

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:58 PM)**

Maybe

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:58 PM)**

tell me about mine

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:58 PM)**

Ask and ye shall be told, young one

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:59 PM)**

can your psychic powers enable you to see me rolling my eyes right now xD

because i am xd

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:59 PM)**

Of course

I can see everything X]

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:59 PM)**

you got spy cameras in my room? =o

 

**Phil ^_^ (6:00 PM)**

Spy super powers

Like the Eye of Sauron

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (6:01 PM)**

im scared

xD

does this mean youre also watching me when i change =o

 

-

_Phil's eyes widen and he pulls a face that certainly would look stupid to anyone watching._

_Wow. His thoughts have wandered in similar directions on lonely nights, but having them diverted there so suddenly leaves him speechless for a moment._

_What to say? Play it down or..._

-

**Phil ^_^ (6:03 PM)**

What if I was =o

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (6:03 PM)**

youd get scared because im so fugly =[

 

-

_A twinge of disappointment passes him by, an unexpected reaction, considering he didn't know how to respond in the first place._

_It's almost like they're both trying to get somewhere, but an invisible wall holds them back._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (6:04 PM)**

DANNNNnnnnnnNNNNNNnnNN

~~You look amazing and I'm sure every inch of you does~~

That's it

from now on every time you say something bad about yourself you have to follow it with 3 nice things

Also about yourself, before you find a loophole xD

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (6:05 PM)**

i havent said anything bad

just the truth xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (6:05 PM)**

That's 6 nice things youll have to say now

get to it!

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (6:07 PM)**

x_x

fine

  1. you talk to me = my life improved by 1323532%
  2. you are great = i get to bask in that greatness :]
  3. you are sweet = im less emo usually :]
  4. we are going to meet = im probably going to die of happiness tbh but it will be worth it xD
  5. you are my friend = im finally not a loser because i have a friend!!!!
  6. you are the best = by being friends with u im like almost best xD



 

**Phil ^_^ (6:07 PM)**

......

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (6:07 PM)**

:DDd

 

**Phil ^_^ (6:08 PM)**

Can YOU see me rolling my eyes now then? xD

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (6:09 PM)**

why would you roll your eyes

i only did as you asked

omg phil

i said i was high maintenance but scratch that

you are xD

im not going to say nice shit about myself! i'd rather talk about you =]

<3

 

**Phil ^_^ (6:11 PM)**

I'll do it for you this time then :]

1\. You are so funny and have literally the bestest sense of humour ever :]  
2\. You have a lot of cool interests and are super fun to talk to :]  
3\. You are a good person and you care more about others than you do about yourself  
4\. You are patient and a bit stubborn and resilient so I'm sure you'll achieve anything you want :]  
5\. You are so smart and clever and just overall brilliant  
~~6\. When you smiled on camera last night it literallytook my breath away~~  
6\. You look fantastic and have the best smile ever :]

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (6:11 PM)**

phil stop

im going to cry =(

how can you be so nice to me

i dont deserve it

 

**Phil ^_^ (6:12 PM)**

Don't cry!! =[

You deserve anything you want / set your mind on Dan

I mean it =[

Ugh if you were here maybe I could show you =[

~~Just hold you as long as you let me and tell you how important you are to me~~

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (6:13 PM)**

do you really think you will still like me when we meet irl? =/

 

-

_Phil frowns._

_He hasn't even considered a scenario where he might not like Dan. He loves too much about him, both personality and looks, for them to not get along well in real life._

_However, now that Dan's brought it up, an inkling of dread settles somewhere deep within his heart._

_What if Dan doesn't like him?_

_What if Phil proves to be disappointment to Dan?_

_He's not really that quirky guy from YouTube. He's not so interesting at all._

_How much will Dan mind?_

-

**Phil ^_^ (6:14 PM)**

Of course I will Dan

I don't think so

I know so

 

**Phil ^_^ (6:16 PM)**

Are you having second thoughts? Because it's totally okay

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (6:17 PM)**

no

its just =/

youre so amazing and im just this nerd / failure

i dont want to lose this

this friendship or.. or i dont know what you want to call it

i dont want to lose any of it

 

**Phil ^_^ (6:17 PM)**

Neither do I

But Dan, really..

As long as you don't tell me to get lost I'll be here

 

**Phil ^_^ (6:18 PM)**

You mean so much to me

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (6:19 PM)**

i do?

 

**Phil ^_^ (6:19 PM)**

Yeah

Isn't it obvious?

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (6:20 PM)**

there are many ways in which a person can mean a lot to someone

 

-

_Does he mean what Phil thinks he means?_

_Can't know, can't tell._

_So much is lost over the internet._

_Phil just doesn't want this to be the biggest thing he's ever lost._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (6:21 PM)**

What do you mean?

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (6:21 PM)**

nothing

nvm =]

you are so important to me phil

i really appreciate this so much

honestly.

 

-

_They're backtracking again._

_Phil almost can't stand it anymore._

_It's too hard not to type the words that seem to be spilling straight out of his mind, his heart, his very soul._

_Phil has had crushes before, even relationships._

_He can't remember ever feeling so... So..._

_So uncertain in the best and worst way._

_It's torture, torture of the sweetest kind, but still torture._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (6:22 PM)**

Dan

Is it wrong that I

I don't know, read between the lines?

Is there nothing there and I'm just being ~~hopeful~~

~~hopeful~~

hopeful?

 

-

_He's gone and done it._

_Dan can very well ignore it, change the subject if he wants._

_But Phil said it, and now he can't take it back._

_He is staring at the screen, heartbeat quick, quicker, quicker; drawing short, ragged breaths._

_They don't even know each other._

_Why does everything feel so monumental, then?_

_Why does this seem so important?_

_Why is he so scared, so tempted to just shut down his laptop and run, run, **run**?_

-

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (6:23 PM)**

i dont know

should i do it too?

i will if you will

 

**Phil ^_^ (6:23 PM)**

Do you want to?

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (6:23 PM)**

i do

but

its...

i dont know if we both mean the same thing

 

-

_Phil freezes. In a way, it feels as though Dan's got it all figured out and is letting him down gently._

_Entirely possible, of course._

_But is he really so transparent? And if that is the case, is he so daft so as to misinterpret all of the signs he foolishly thought he saw?_

-

**Phil ^_^ (6:24 PM)**

It's alright if you don't

But I hope it doesn't bother you =/

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (6:25 PM)**

what doesnt bother me?

 

**Phil ^_^ (6:25 PM)**

The things I don't say

**-**

_Dan says nothing in response for two whole, excruciating minutes._

_Phil can scarcely draw breath right now. He could be wrong, **so** wrong, he could be imagining things._

_Or he could be right._

_As it is now, is there any way back?_

_Phil can't see it, not anymore._

-

**Phil ^_^ (6:27 PM)**

~~I'm in love with you Dan~~

 

**Phil ^_^ (6:28 PM)**

Dan

I like you

Not just as a friend

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (6:29 PM)**

you do?

 

**Phil ^_^ (6:29 PM)**

Yeah =/ God yeah

Dan I'm sorry if this makes you uncomfortable

I just couldn't not say it anymore =/

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (6:30 PM)**

fuck sake phil i want to smack you

honestly

uncomfoRTABLE?

phil

im so fucking happy right now

just

i cant believe it

you really mean it?

 

**Phil ^_^ (6:30 PM)**

I do..

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (6:30 PM)**

:))))))))))))))))

i like you too

so much

 

-

_Phil stares at those four words, as each second counts towards this new chapter, this new unlikely happiness that he has just found._

_A smile slowly blooms on his face, starting out small and then stretching so wide that it evolves into laughter._

_Dan **does** feel something for him too!_

_Phil hasn't said it all, but this will do for now, it will, it must, it has to._

_A crushing feeling of joy mixed with loneliness hits him._

_Something tells him that it is here to stay._

_Until then, he can only imagine and wish and hope and dream._

_But now, he knows it's not all in vain._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (6:31 PM)**

Are you sure?

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (6:32 PM)**

of course im fucking sure

ive had a crush on you for ages

like.. i cant believe this

 

**Phil ^_^ (6:32 PM)**

:)

:)

:)

:)

I can't believe it either

You're so perfect to me Dan

I can't stop thinking about you

~~All day~~

~~I'm so in love with you~~

You're perfect :)

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (6:33 PM)**

you are =']

i go to bed every night and im thinking of you

and i get up in the morning and i think of you

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (6:34 PM)**

i know its weird because ive never met you

but it feels like you know me better than anyone

and im just

you make me happy phil

really

what are the odds that we'd get to know each other

that you would respond to me and talk to me

i just

wow

and it feels so good to say it

 

**Phil ^_^ (6:35 PM)**

It does

I like you so so much

The fact that you found me and started talking to me is the best thing that's ever happened to me :]

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (6:35 PM)**

no

to me =]]

 

**Phil ^_^ (6:35 PM)**

Argue all you want Dan

It'll always be me =]

 

**danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (6:36 PM)**

yes it will

to me

it will always be you =]

 

-

_Phil goes to bed that night with a head full of dreams, wishes, hopes, could-be's, might-be's and will-be's._

_His mind is all made up._

_Even a month feels too long._

_He wants to see Dan **now**._

-


	5. come here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for all the love you're showing this fic. I'm getting up in 5 hours, but I really wanted to post a new chapter today.  
> Please let me know what you think, even if you find it boring :)

  _One week later_

 

**dan. :] (2:21 AM)**

hiiii phiiiil

you there?

youre probably not D':

since we just said good night like 2 hours ago

but i cant sleep =(

 

**dan. :] (2:22 AM)**

wake uppppppp

 

**dan. :] (2:23 AM)**

phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil. phil.

i totally wrote all of those

no copy paste xD

 

**dan. :] (2:31 AM)**

i hope my parents dont catch me up

cuz if they do

i am DED. x_x

ded. ded. phil. phil.

wake up!!!!!! xD

ughhh i miss you

so much

:(

 

**dan. :] (2:42 AM)**

phillllllllllllllllllllllllllLLLLLLLLLllllllllllllllllllllllllll

should i text you

i kind of want to

but its rude to wake you up :[

ill just keep talking to myself like the loser that i am

and maybe youll read this in the morning

and cry xD

or smile :] i hope

 

**dan. :] (2:48 AM)**

im going to tell you a story

once upon a time there was a moron called dan

dan was bullied at school but somehow managed to make a few friends =o

(they felt sorry for him xD)

but then those friends went away to uni while dan had a gap year

and dan also needed to revise for a stupid failed psychology exam. xD

dans life was so fun

 

**dan. :] (2:49 AM)**

so dan was all like

SADFACE :[

but luckily his favourite youtuber phil whom he had been stalking for ages actually noticed him =o

and dan took every opportunity to spam phil all day every day

and dans parents were like RAWR WTF U DOING UP CHILD ITS 2 IN THE MORNING

but dan was like

IM BUSY MUM YOU DONT UNDERSTAND ME

xD

 

**dan. :] (2:50 AM)**

so moron dan talked to amazing phil a lot and it made him a gazillion times happier :]

and then one night moron dan couldnt sleep and it was 2:50 in the morning and

he couldnt stop thinking how much he wanted phil to be there

and he felt lonely

so he told phil a dumb story

the end.

xD

 

**dan. :] (2:57 AM)**

you are going to cry when you see this wall of text when you get up lol :P

i should try to sleep

im going to look at the picture you sent me last night and try fall asleep :]

 

**dan. :] (2:59 AM)**

good night phil. <3 sorry for spamming you :] <33

 

 

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (9:43 AM)**

=o

Daaannnnn

There is so much to respond to I don't even know where to start xD

Best surprise ever :] waking up to messages from you :]]

I wish I was awake for it though... I hope you fell asleep fast after that =/

 

**Phil ^_^ (9:44 AM)**

you're offline now so still asleep I guess :[

I'll just reply to what you sent me then to kill some time while I wait for you <3

  1. you should have totally texted me I'd just be happy =]
  2. You are going to PAY for insulting yourself again Dan! I will think of something and you will regret it >_<         EVIL DAN.
  3. I feel lonely when you're not around too. And I wish you were here <3



 

**Phil ^_^ (9:47 AM)**

Speaking of which, I have interesting news :]

Come online already! pls

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:03 AM)**

Sleepyhead

now it's me wondering if I should text you

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:28 AM)**

ACRYINGPHIL is waiting for you Dan! =[

 

-

_It's been an amazing week since they both came somewhat clear about their feelings._

_They've been talking more and more and have had a few video calls too._

_They haven't bought train tickets yet, but today, Phil has had some news that might make the trip a whole lot better._

_Impatient, he starts editing his next video while repeatedly checking Skype to make sure Dan is not there yet, disappointed each time he finds that the boy still hasn't appeared online._

-

 

**dan. :] (11:17 AM)**

PHIL

hiiiiiiiiiiii :]

yes i just woke up sorry :[

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:18 AM)**

Dan! :D

 

**dan. :] (11:19 AM)**

<3

is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me xD

 

-

_Over the last few days, their banter has slowly progressed in a direction that often makes Phil's cheeks turn red._

_Not that he minds. He stays up late every single night, just talking to Dan._

_This is the happiest he can remember being in a long while._

-

**Phil ^_^ (11:21 AM)**

Definitely a banana

=P

 

**dan. :] (11:21 AM)**

pffff

i thought you were missing me :[

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:21 AM)**

I was! :[

 

**dan. :] (11:22 AM)**

no you werent

anyway i read what you wrote earlier

you called me EVIL??

im so nice phil wtf

im like the nicest ever xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:23 AM)**

To me you are

To yourself you're not >_<

I'm not letting this go Dan, by the time I'm done with you you'll be praising yourself all the time xD

 

**dan. :] (11:23 AM)**

done with me hmm =o

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:24 AM)**

~~I'll do whatever it takes :X~~

You know what I meant! xD

 

**dan. :] (11:24 AM)**

i know what i hope you meant xD

 

**EVIL DAN (11:25 AM)**

there

changed my skype name 

you happy now lester??? =[

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:25 AM)**

Noo

I liked the happy name from before!

:]

Or your old one about being on fire xD

 

**EVIL DAN (11:25 AM)**

serves you right for insulting me!!1

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:26 AM)**

YOU are the one insulting yourself

that is the whole point xD

I'm not letting this slide

When we meet I'm going to just

Write all over your forehead

"I AM PERFECT" :]

 

**EVIL DAN (11:26 AM)**

im not perfect

you are :]

<3

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:26 AM)**

No you

<3

 

**EVIL DAN (11:27 AM)**

no U

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:27 AM)**

You!!!!

 

**EVIL DAN (11:27 AM)**

no you fullstop

ffs can we have a single conversation without arguments like this xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:27 AM)**

No :P

and you

fullest stop

 

**EVIL DAN (11:28 AM)**

you

fullestest stop

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:28 AM)**

That's not even a word

Evil Danneh

 

**EVIL DAN (11:28 AM)**

omg

i am blocking you

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:29 AM)**

:(

But but

I've got news!

 

**EVIL DAN (11:29 AM)**

oh right

i got distracted =P

what news???

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:29 AM)**

Not telling you now

 

**EVIL DAN (11:30 AM)**

what

why ;_;

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:30 AM)**

You have to apologise for being mean to yourself!

 

**EVIL DAN (11:31 AM)**

ugh

philll

we've been over this

please tell me :D

please <3

please please please

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:31 AM)**

No

 

**EVIL DAN (11:31 AM)**

pleaseeeeeeeeeee

pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

plsplsplspls :]

PLEASEEEEeeeeeeeee

plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

plxxxxxxx

pweese

:]

PLEASE phil

what news??? come onnnnnnn

pleaseeeeeeeeee

 

-

_Phil is sitting there, grinning like an idiot, when his mum comes in asking whether he's already had breakfast._

_He schools his features immediately, but her knowing smile tells him that she's seen his expression._

_He's told her a little since he and Dan have decided to meet up, but still, it's quite awkward to be caught staring at the screen, looking nothing short of lovestruck._

_During the three minutes it takes him to tell mum that **no, he's fine, he's had breakfast** , his screen is continuously spammed by Dan._

-

 

**EVIL DAN (11:32 AM)**

p

l

e

a

s

e

p

l

z

p

l

s

pleaseeeeeeeeeeeee??????????????????EeeeeeeeeeeeeeEeeee?

 

**EVIL DAN (11:36 AM)**

did you block me xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:37 AM)**

Noo

my mum came in xD awkward!

Also

~~You are so bloody cute :]~~

I'll tell you if you promise to be nice

 

**EVIL DAN (11:37 AM)**

i hate when my parents come in when im talking to you

i look like an

wait

i was going to say something but i have to be nice xD

TELL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:38 AM)**

Okay

So my parents told me they're going away for a while in October =o

~~So we could be alone when you visit~~

So the house will be free

 

-

_He doesn't want to give Dan the wrong idea or make him feel pressured in any way, but no matter how he spins it, him having the house to himself when Dan visits is nothing short of fantastic._

_He only hopes that Dan will feel the same way, and not more nervous to visit with no one else around._

-

**EVIL DAN (11:39 AM)**

:o

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:39 AM)**

~~I hope you don't mind? =/~~

That's okay, right? If it's not then we could just postpone until they get back

 

**EVIL DAN (11:40 AM)**

are you kidding

thats AWESOME

does that mean i get to have you to myself =o

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:41 AM)**

~~Always~~

Do you want to? :o

 

**EVIL DAN (11:41 AM)**

idk

i mean

you do think im evil =/

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:41 AM)**

I see how it is :[

I might just invite my Great Aunt Roberta for when you visit then

So that you don't get bored xD

 

**EVIL DAN (11:43 AM)**

is she hot? xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:43 AM)**

..............

 

**EVIL DAN (11:43 AM)**

IM KIDDING

<3

i dont care

do you know why?

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:44 AM)**

I should be super cross with you right now! :[

But no

I don't know why

Why?

 

**EVIL DAN (11:44 AM)**

because i like you

more than anything :]

 

-

_Phil melts into a puddle of adoration upon reading this._

_They've been telling each other every day since that first time. Several times a day, actually._

_It feels so inadequate, but Phil isn't going to push his luck, and knowing the sentiment behind those three words is more than enough for now._

_He lets out a dreamy sigh, heart fluttering, lips stretched into a wide smile._

_He wants to see Dan, now, immediately, **yesterday**._

-

**Phil ^_^ (11:45 AM)**

Ugh

Dan

I can't be cross with you :]

not when you are so sweet

Can you just come here already

~~I want to kiss you~~

I want to hug you close :]

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:46 AM)**

Also

I like you more :P <3

You're amazing

I just want to like, yell it from rooftops :]]

 

**EVIL DAN (11:46 AM)**

dont do it

you will get sent to an institution xD

<3

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:47 AM)**

No I won't

I'll just tell them that it was about you and they will join me

Everyone knows you're amazing :]

 

**EVIL DAN (11:47 AM)**

seems plausible xD

though you do live in the north

maybe everyone is a lunatic like you over there xD

and

excuse me.

 

**EVIL DAN (11:48 AM)**

i like you MOST

i thought we established that last night :]

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:48 AM)**

Oi

No one's a lunatic! Except you for thinking you like me more =]

 

**EVIL DAN (11:48 AM)**

i dont think so

i KNOW so.

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:49 AM)**

liar liar pants on fire

 

**EVIL DAN (11:49 AM)**

did you just imply that i AM on fire xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:49 AM)**

I implied that your pants are =P

 

**EVIL DAN (11:50 AM)**

are they

come check for me

i cant see :o

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:51 AM)**

~~Happily~~

Are you sure you want me to check that :P?

 

**EVIL DAN (11:51 AM)**

why not!

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:52 AM)**

~~You never know what else I might check =x~~

You said I'm a lunatic

Do you want a lunatic anywhere near your pants-area?

 

**EVIL DAN (11:52 AM)**

as long as its you then

yes. :P

 

-

_Phil clears his throat._

_His playlist had ended, but he hasn't noticed until just now, too engrossed in the conversation._

_It feels like they're pushing their boundaries farther and farther with each conversation, and while Phil worries if it's all okay with Dan, he can't help but enjoy the feeling in the pit of his stomach, the butterflies, the redness on his cheeks._

_He kind of wants to start a video call now, but he knows that with it, a lot of his courage will disappear, so he is putting it off. This is too interesting._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:54 AM)**

~~I'll make sure to inspect it thoroughly th~~

 

-

_That's too much._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:55 AM)**

Is there anything else you need? :o

 

**EVIL DAN (11:56 AM)**

mmm

what dont i need :x

 

-

_Phil slumps back in his chair, shutting his eyes forcefully._

_His mind is drifting; he finds himself thinking of things that he probably shouldn't think of yet._

_Briefly, he imagines what Dan's face might look like right now._

_Is he so flustered too, or is Phil just being daft?_

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:57 AM)**

Name some things that you do need

 

**EVIL DAN (11:57 AM)**

coffee

a massage

you

with me

now.

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:58 AM)**

I can do the first two when we meet :]

Or the massage I can try

I've never given anyone one so it might be a tad dangerous =P

 

**EVIL DAN (11:58 AM)**

just dont break my neck xD

fun fact

i have a very sensitive neck

its weird

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:00 PM)**

In a good or bad way? :P

 

**EVIL DAN (12:00 PM)**

depends

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:00 PM)**

On?

 

**EVIL DAN (12:01 PM)**

bad if youre gonna be breaking it

which tbh

very possible when it comes to you i think xD?

but it can be good for other stuff :x

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:02 PM)**

Such aaaas?

 

**EVIL DAN (12:02 PM)**

come onnn

you know what xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:02 PM)**

No I don't

 

**EVIL DAN (12:04 PM)**

ugh

youre the worst

im not saying it i feel awkward :$

 

-

_Fine._

_He'll ask._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:04 PM)**

Say if I were to kiss your neck

Hypothetically

Would that be bad =/

 

-

_Two minutes pass with no reply and he wonders if he's gone too far._

_It's only been a week since Dan said that he likes him back. Maybe this is too much._

_Then again, it might be too much no matter the time, because they haven't even met in real life._

_Anxiety sets in, but before he gets to take it all back, Dan responds._

-

 

**EVIL DAN (12:07 PM)**

that would not be bad

at all

hypothetically. of course. :x

 

**EVIL DAN (12:08 PM)**

did i creep you out im so sry

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:08 PM)**

Dan

don't be daft

Did I creep YOU out? it should be me apologising :/

 

**EVIL DAN (12:09 PM)**

no

ugh

we;re stupid

i think we both kinda

want that too

or am i wrong?

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:10 PM)**

:x no

 

**EVIL DAN (12:10 PM)**

no as in you dont?

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:10 PM)**

no as in you're not wrong

 

**EVIL DAN (12:10 PM)**

so you do want to?

 

-

_Phil, normally, loves the internet. Loves everything about it._

_Loves that thanks to it, he got to know Dan._

_But in moments like these, he hates it with a passion. So, so much room for misunderstanding._

_So difficult to say things without seeing the other person in front of you._

_So difficult to be here, hundreds of miles away, imagining kissing someone and not being able to actually do it._

_He'll ask Dan about October. He will._

_He just doesn't want to stop this particular conversation._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:11 PM)**

Dan

I want everything with you

I just want to be there with you and hold you and

~~and kiss you~~

And kiss you

If it will be okay with you

~~I want to kiss you for hours~~

For as long as you let me

I mean it when I say you're perfect

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:13 PM)**

I mean

Of course I won't do anything you're not okay with

You know that right?

It's just

 

**EVIL DAN (12:13 PM)**

shut up

come here

kiss me

now

ugh

why do you live so far

:(

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:14 PM)**

:(

 

**EVIL DAN (12:15 PM)**

do you know what

you're so fucking good looking

ive wanted to kiss you for months

i swear :/

talk about creepy lol

we werent even proper friends yet

and i wanted to

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:16 PM)**

Dan

I swear

When you get here I just want to kiss you for hours

Like I don't care if we do nothing else

I just want you here with me

 

**EVIL DAN (12:17 PM)**

me too

i dont want coffee or movies or anything

i just want you. :x

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:17 PM)**

>_<

Come here plz

 

**EVIL DAN (12:17 PM)**

plz

i want :[

 

**EVIL DAN (12:18 PM)**

october you said?

when are they leaving

we need to book

and meet

like asap

or i will go insane here xD

more so than i am now

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:19 PM)**

I think it's around the second half of the month

 

**EVIL DAN (12:20 PM)**

ok

so from today on

TICKET WATCH xD

when im not around = you check ticket prices

when ur not around = i check

we need to find the best ones and im coming there and bugging you as long as i can :]

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:20 PM)**

:]

Dan

you're so incredible

~~I love~~

What about when we're both around

Are we going to camp ticket websites together? xD

 

**EVIL DAN (12:21 PM)**

fuck yes xD

whatever it takes

!

i bookmarked like 10 already

 

-

_Phil doesn't say it, but so has he, a while ago._

-

 

**EVIL DAN (12:22 PM)**

what am i supposed to tell my parents tho

i think they wont be too happy if i tell them im meeting a guy off the internet =P

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:22 PM)**

:/

You should tell them the truth Dan

I don't want to cause you trouble

 

**EVIL DAN (12:23 PM)**

i dont want them to disagree though..

i mean

im 18

i can do whatever i want

 

-

_Phil doesn't want to give Dan unsolicited advice, but he frowns at the screen._

_He is not quite convinced that Dan knows what he is getting himself into._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:24 PM)**

So you could just tell them and go :]

 

**EVIL DAN (12:24 PM)**

ill make something up

ill try tell them tonight at dinner

set up the ground for later

when we book ill tell them when im going xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:25 PM)**

:]

I can't wait

Really really really can't wait :]

<3 <3 <3

 

**EVIL DAN (12:25 PM)**

i cant wait more :]

 

-

_Phil's mum comes in again. He resists the urge to be snappy about her not knocking._

_She reminds him that he was supposed to help her with the grocery run and leaves, giving him three minutes._

_He sighs. Leaving Dan is the last thing he wants to do, but he supposes they'll talk later in the evening._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:29 PM)**

I can't wait most!!! Fullerestest stop

Dan

My mum is making me go grocery shopping with her =_=

So I've got to go =/

 

**EVIL DAN (12:29 PM)**

nooooooooo

stayyyyyyyyyyyy :[

plz

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:30 PM)**

I want tooooooo :[

I will be back as soon as I can

 

**EVIL DAN (12:30 PM)**

pfff :[

when i get there im not letting you go anywhere

just warning you :P

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:30 PM)**

As if I'd let YOU go anywhere

:]

I miss you already

back soon

<3

 

**EVIL DAN (12:31 PM)**

miss you more <3

 

-

_Phil leaves his laptop on and goes out with his mum._

_She shoots him curious glances and asks about the person he is always chatting to, but he doesn't say much more than what he has already told her before._

_Unlike Dan, he doesn't really have to explain anything, considering that his parents are going to be out of town anyway._

_Their grocery run ends up far longer than expected, because Phil's mum insists on going to a few different stores. He grows increasingly antsy, thinking about Dan so much that in his distraction, he bumps into some woman who proceeds to yell at him for it. What's more, his mum gets into an argument with the angry lady, immediately rushing to Phil's defense._

_Fantastic._

_It's a tiresome day and he can't wait to get home and talk to Dan._

_The moment they step inside, he drops off all the bags in the kitchen and rushes upstairs, kind of hoping that Dan will have left him a message. Or a few messages. If he's lucky._

_In a way, his wish came true, because there is a message waiting for him, and it is from Dan._

_Only it isn't what he was hoping for._

-

 

**EVIL DAN (6:24 PM)**

phil are you back yet

i need to talk to you :(


	6. Please Dan

_**-** _

_When Phil returns home, there is a message waiting for him, from Dan._

_-_

 

**EVIL DAN (6:24 PM)**

phil are you back yet

i need to talk to you :(

 

-

_Phil freezes upon seeing the message._

_What could possibly have happened while he was gone?_

_He regrets ever leaving, even though he had to._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (6:51 PM)**

Dan?

I'm here now

What's wrong???

 

**EVIL DAN (6:51 PM)**

>_<

i talked to my parents

like you said

 

**Phil ^_^ (6:52 PM)**

What did they say

What did you tell them?

Are you okay Dan?

 

**EVIL DAN (6:52 PM)**

im pissed off

i mean

i didnt tell them about you exactly =/

i just said i want to visit a friend in october

for a couple of days

 

**Phil ^_^ (6:52 PM)**

And what did they say?

 

**EVIL DAN (6:53 PM)**

wellll

my mum seemed ok with it but dad kinda launched into a tirade

that im meant to be revising and should be working and blablablabl

 

**EVIL DAN (6:54 PM)**

so i was like

its just a few days

but then he said im wasting my time every day so its not like its any different..

 

-

_Phil shakes his head, unable to accept reading things like that about Dan._

_This isn't the first time he hears about fights between Dan and his parents. Being so far away, he always feels completely, hopelessly powerless in these situations._

_**How** can he help? **What** can he even do?_

_Should he take sides? He always does in the end, but is it fair?_

_He doesn't even know Dan's parents._

_Doesn't even know Dan. Not in real life._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (6:55 PM)**

Dan I'm really sorry :(

Are you okay?

 

**EVIL DAN (6:55 PM)**

idk..

 

**Phil ^_^ (6:55 PM)**

You should live your life the way you want to

don't let it bring you down Dan

 

**EVIL DAN (6:56 PM)**

but i mean

he is right

all i do is procrastinate

and i have no idea what i want to do with my future

i know what i have to do but its not what i want

can you imagine it

me being a lawyer

lol.

im not smart enough for that

or anything really =/

 

-

_Phil hates to see Dan speak that way about himself, but he knows better than to turn this into a joke. Even through text, through miles and miles of distance between them, genuine feelings show between the lines. Genuine self-doubt and worry and just --_

_He just wants to hold Dan and tell him it will all be fine in the end._

_But he can't..._

-

 

 

**Phil ^_^ (6:57 PM)**

No he isn't

Dan

The amount of time you spend studying, or what you will do at uni, it says nothing about who you are as a person

University is just to get a job and your job doesn't describe you you know

And you're so smart

 

**EVIL DAN (6:57 PM)**

im not :/

youre just being nice phil

not even my own dad thinks im smart

 

**Phil ^_^ (6:58 PM)**

I'm sure he does

Maybe he's just had a long day?

 

**EVIL DAN (6:58 PM)**

so if i have a long day i can just go around treating people like shit?

 

-

_Phil is typing faster now, desperate to turn this around._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (6:59 PM)**

No

I'm not saying it;'s justified im just saying thats probably why it happened

From what you've told me he seems to love you a lot

both your parents

So Dan, don't listen to it

Please

 

**EVIL DAN (6:59 PM)**

i dont know phil

most of the time they treat me like this

always

why am i not studying

why dont i get another job

i cant wait to go away

move away for uni

just live and breathe without someone yelling at me 24/7.

 

**Phil ^_^ (7:00 PM)**

It will come

Trust me

Not long now

But Dan, please believe me

You're very smart and you will have the life you've always wanted

I know it =[

Please Dan

 

**Phil ^_^ (7:01 PM)**

I wish i could hold you right now =[

 

**dan (7:01 PM)**

:(

 

**Phil ^_^ (7:02 PM)**

And dont worry about us meeting

I could just come to you instead and we'll go out for coffee or anything

We'll get there

 

**dan (7:02 PM)**

no

i told them im going anyway

no matter what they say

 

**Phil ^_^ (7:03 PM)**

I don't want you getting in trouble with your parents =/

 

**dan (7:03 PM)**

dont you want to meet me? =/

 

**Phil ^_^ (7:04 PM)**

Of course I do >_<

but I mean

 

**dan (7:04 PM)**

then we will meet exactly when we decide

 

**Phil ^_^ (7:05 PM)**

I don't want you to have problems at home Dan

 

**dan (7:05 PM)**

phil

please.

let me have this

i want to see you :(

 

**Phil ^_^ (7:06 PM)**

You know I want the same thing

So badly

 

**dan (7:07 PM)**

then we will

yes?

 

-

_It feels like one of those scenarios where both answers are right. Or perhaps both are wrong._

_Phil wants Dan's happiness first and foremost, but..._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (7:08 PM)**

As long as you want to of course I want to

But Dan =/

I think you should try make things right with your parents too

 

**dan (7:09 PM)**

fuck them

 

**Phil ^_^ (7:10 PM)**

You don't mean that

 

-

_Minutes stretch and pass very slowly as he awaits a response, knowing better than to hurry Dan._

-

 

**dan (7:17 PM)**

EHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhh

no

i dont mean that

 

**Phil ^_^ (7:17 PM)**

:]

Dan

 

**dan (7:18 PM)**

?

 

**Phil ^_^ (7:18 PM)**

You're perfect

I mean it ^_^

AND

before you say you're not

Trust me. You are

 

**dan (7:19 PM)**

:(

 

-

_Is this how it will always be? Always and forever?_

_Feeling so powerless, knowing that all he has to offer are words, and words with no actions to back them up are quite meaningless, useless, empty?_

_He can only imagine Dan right now, sitting in his room, expression stormy._

_If he were there, he'd know what to do. But now? What can he do, hundreds of miles away?_

-

**dan (7:21 PM)**

i need some air =/ is that ok?

 

**Phil ^_^ (7:21 PM)**

~~:( please don't go? I worry ab~~

Of course

Can I call you when you're outside?

 

-

_They have talked on the phone, maybe once, twice, maybe three times._

_Fine, it was four. Phil keeps count._

_They don't do it often, though. Phone credit is quite expensive and Skype calls are free._

_It's just, Phil can't resist wanting to hear Dan's voice._

-

 

**dan (7:22 PM)**

you want to?

 

**Phil ^_^ (7:22 PM)**

Unless you'd rather be alone

That's completely fine of course

 

**dan (7:23 PM)**

i never want to be alone

not when it comes to you

 

**Phil ^_^ (7:23 PM)**

:)

I'll call you in 5?

 

**dan (7:24 PM)**

please

 

-

_Phil lies in bed, on his back, and stares at the clock that hangs on the opposite wall, counting down the minutes until the time comes for him to dial Dan's number._

_He's memorised it. Don't ask him why._

_Briefly, he asks himself if this will do anything to help Dan at all. Is he calling out of his own, quite selfish, need to hear Dan's voice and feel a little bit less useless?_

_He'd rather not think about that right now._

_After seven minutes, he dials the number._

_Dan picks up almost immediately, and the first thing Phil hears is the wind._

-

 

"Hey Phil."

 

-

_Dan's voice is difficult to make out due to the wind blowing straight into the phone, but Phil has heard him enough times to be able to notice the strain in his voice immediately._

-

 

"Hi Dan." _Pause_. "Are you in the middle of the sea by any chance?"

 

-

_Dan's soft chuckle fills his ears. The sound travels straight to his heart and settles there, never to be removed._

-

 

"No. Yes. Okay, _maybe_. It's fucking raining and I'm just standing out here being dramatic."

"You're not being dramatic, Dan. You've just--"

"I've had a _long day_ , yeah, yeah."

"Well, a long afternoon... evening... thing."

"Yeah. Look, you -- you don't need to worry about me, I don't want to like, spoil your day, I'm just --"

"Dan. Stop. Breathe."

 

-

_He hears Dan take a deep breath and then slowly exhale._

_The sounds of the wind and the rain have died down slightly._

-

 

"Dan, you're not spoiling anything, okay?"

"But -- I'm always just like, whining to you..."

"You're not whining --"

"...and I'm worried you'll get tired of it and you won't want to see me anymore..."

"I'll never get tired of you!"

"...and I really _really_ want to see you Phil, and I don't care what my parents say --"

"Dan..."

"Yeah?"

"I'm always going to want to see you, I promise."

"You say that now --"

"I mean it."

 

-

_There is silence on the other end of the line that Phil doesn't want to interrupt._

-

 

"Really?"

"Of course I mean it!" _Pause_. "I told you, Dan. I really -- I _really_ like you."

 

-

_This is the first time those three words are spoken aloud._

_There is heat in his cheeks and tremor in his heart, and the world doesn't exist, or rather the world is **Dan** , everything is -- _

_Everything that matters revolves around Dan, he finds, these days._

 

_He hears a short, disbelieving exhale, a huff of sorts._

_When Dan speaks, his voice trembles, but the sound is sweet, so sweet and warm, so warm._

-

 

"I really like you too."

 

-

_It's a whisper. It takes Phil's breath away._

-

 

"I'm sorry... I'll stop being stupid."

"You're not being stupid, Dan. It's -- it's okay to feel things. It's okay if you're not feeling fine right now. I just -- I wish I could be there for you."

"You _are_ there for me!"

"Not enough."

"Phil, you're like the kindest person on Earth, so seriously, _shut your trap_."

 

-

_Dan's voice is still soft, with no traces of malice._

_The smile on Phil's face is a completely involuntary response to it._

-

 

"That's more like the Dan I know. Abusing me for no reason."

 

-

_Dan laughs. There is a moment of companionable silence._

_It makes Phil long for the day when they meet. When such moments will be filled with so much more than they are now._

-

 

"Sounds like me."

"Are you still outside?"

"Yeah, just sat at a bus stop. No one's here."

"Aren't you cold?"

"A bit."

"Daaan..."

" _Fine_ , I'm cold. I'm soaked and cold."

"You should go home, or you'll catch the plague again and be sick for a week."

"Look at you, all responsible and shit. You sound like my granny."

"I hope that when you say you like me, you mean something different than when you think of your granny."

"Oh my _god_ Phil."

 

-

_They're both laughing now, and he feels a little bit less alone._

-

 

"Fine. Fine. You win! You win, Lester. I'm going home because I need to block you everywhere for that mental image."

"Who says you're allowed?"

" _I_ say I'm allowed."

"I say you're _not_."

"But I say that I am."

"You're not!"

"Am too!"

"Not!"

"Yes!"

"No, full stop!"

"Yes I--"

"Na, na, na, na. Can't hear you, sorry Dan, you tried."

"Ugh. We literally can't have a single conversation without this type of argument. We're the worst."

" _Literally_ the worst."

"Shut up."

 

-

_Dan sounds so different now, almost affectionate, and it gives Phil a little more courage._

-

 

"Dan?"

"Yeah?"

"I wish you were here right now."

 

-

_Dan sighs. Phil does, too._

-

 

"Where's _here_?"

"What do you mean?"

"Like, what are you doing, are you at the laptop?"

"No, I'm in bed." _Pause._ "I -- I wish you were here so we could cuddle and I could -- could make you feel better, maybe, I mean, I could at least, I don't know, I could _try_."

 

_-_

_The last few words are a jumbled, hasty mess, but Dan understands. Of course he does._

-

 

"You have -- you have absolutely no idea how much I want that to happen... And Phil?"

"Hmm?"

"I _do_ feel better. So, you know, thanks."

"You have nothing to thank me for, Dan."

"I've got  _everything_ to thank you for. You have no idea."  _Pause_. "I'm outside my house now, so..."

"Yeah, let's hang up, then."

"But I don't -- I don't  _want_ to. I like hearing your voice."

"I like hearing yours more, Dan."

"No, you don't!"

"Yes, I do!"

"I hate you."

"I hate you too."

"I'll poke you on Skype when I get back upstairs."

"I'll be waiting for that poke."

"Watch out, because I poke  _hard_."

"Good thing your granny didn't hear that."

"Ugh..."

 

 

-

_Phil is still smiling long after they hang up._

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Sorry for not updating, I've been sick for over a week. I'll try update soon, so please tell me if you liked this one :)  
> Come chat with me on tumblr: [phanbliss](http://phanbliss.tumblr.com/post/165160620305/6-read-between-the-lines-i-will-if-you-will)


	7. and you kiss me slowly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Thank you for your comments, kudos, everything. It means the world to me and really motivates me to keep writing this. I'd really appreciate if you left me a comment on this one too :)
> 
> Come chat with me on tumblr: [phanbliss](http://phanbliss.tumblr.com)

_One week later_

**Phil ^_^ (10:12 AM)**

Dannnnnnn

I know you're asleep but I wanted to say hi :]

I ended up staying in because I've got THE PLAGUE

So I'm going to be here allll day

Of course I know you need to revise :]

But still

Pls wake up!!!!1

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:34 AM)**

I miss you

The tickets are crazy expensive today>_<

But well, three weeks until my parents leave

We've got time :]

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:58 AM)**

If I were there I'd be waking you already

~~With kisses~~

I'd spill cold water on your head xD

And put some ice down your shirt

Or maybe I'd feed you to my lion

 

**11:23 AM: DANiel :] has come online.**

**Phil ^_^ (11:23 AM)**

DAN!

you're awake?? :]]]

 

**DANiel :] (11:23 AM)**

philllllllllllLLLLLLLLLLLLL

you wrote to me =o

i need to read hold up xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:24 AM)**

Yes I did

Couldn't wait for you to come online =]

 

**DANiel :] (11:26 AM)**

what is this sorcery

cold water on my face =[

ICE DOWN MY SHIRT. WTF PHIL.

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:26 AM)**

If it gets you up then why not! =P

 

**DANiel :] (11:27 AM)**

you are a horrible person.

like the worst person. evurr.

when im there im going to kick you in the crotch

xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:27 AM)**

o_O

I think I need to cancel our meeting

Something came up =///

 

**DANiel :] (11:28 AM)**

too lateeeeeeeeeeee

i know where u live

kind of

ill just stalk the entire village until i find you

just to kick you

and then ill go back home xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:29 AM)**

~~What a romantic first date =P~~

I feel cheated

I thought you'd be nice to me :(

 

**DANiel :] (11:29 AM)**

you started

you spoon

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:29 AM)**

because you were asleep and I felt ~~lonely~~ bored

 

**DANiel :] (11:30 AM)**

so i have to keep you entertained 24/7 or ill get ice down my shirt =/?

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:30 AM)**

Yes

We should make that a legal contract and sign it!

 

**DANiel :] (11:31 AM)**

ok hold on

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:31 AM)**

?

 

**DANiel :] (11:31 AM)**

just wait!

 

**DANiel :] sends SRS BSNSS.JPG**

** Accept  ** ** Decline**

[Contract image](http://imgur.com/a/Dp0c4)

**Phil ^_^ (11:39 AM)**

Wow Dan

I'm impressed xD

The "please dont do it" bit kind of ruins your whole cool image thing though

 

**DANiel :] (11:39 AM)**

shush

sign it and send back

im gonna print it and hang it above my bed xD

 

**Phil ^_^ sends SIGNED BSNSS.JPG**

**[Signed contract](http://imgur.com/a/eEqst) **

**DANiel :] (11:43 AM)**

awww

you drew me a little heart too <3

but

what is that thing below your signature

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:44 AM)**

It's Lion!

Obviously

Geez Dan. You need glasses

 

**DANiel :] (11:44 AM)**

right.. xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:45 AM)**

It is!!!

 

**DANiel :] (11:45 AM)**

its a good thing ur not an art major phil

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:45 AM)**

Oi

I feel insulted

Again =[

 

**DANiel :] (11:46 AM)**

nooo

<3

its a beautiful lion okay!!!

look

 

-

_Dan has changed his display picture to Phil's little drawing of a lion._

_Phil's heart swells with affection._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:47 AM)**

:]

Now I feel a little less insulted

But you owe me a drawing so that i can do the same =]

We need to match

 

**DANiel :] (11:47 AM)**

do we :]

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:47 AM)**

yes

 

**DANiel :] (11:48 AM)**

why

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:48 AM)**

Because

I want the world to know ~~how much I like you~~ that we're both awesome

 

**DANiel :] (11:49 AM)**

:]]

what should i draw xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:49 AM)**

I don't know

You're the artist!

 

**DANiel :] (11:49 AM)**

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmzzzzzz

ok wait

 

**DANiel :] sends High Quality Art.JPG**

** Accept  ** ** Decline**

 

[Dan's drawing of Phil](http://imgur.com/a/GaTFw)

_-_

_Phil laughs out loud upon seeing Dan's interpretation of him, so loud that his mum is probably going to come in and ask him what's so funny._

_Of course, he immediately changes his display picture to Dan's drawing, because why the hell not._

_They don't really have friends in common so to speak, but most people in the YouTube community know who Dan is. They interact a lot on twitter, after all._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:59 AM)**

You drew me with glasses!! why =[

 

**DANiel :] (11:59 AM)**

because i love your glasses :]

they look great on you

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:00 PM)**

All the bullies from my teenage years beg to differ :[

 

**DANiel :] (12:00 PM)**

fuck them

you look amazing :]

<3

**Phil ^_^ (12:01 PM)**

:] <33

Anyway!!

Thank you Dan

That is the most beautiful drawing I have ever seen xD

~~Love you~~

~~Luv you <3~~

Love your talent xD

 

**DANiel :] (12:02 PM)**

no problem

that will be 1000 pounds

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:02 PM)**

=o

Such a gold digger

 

**DANiel :] (12:02 PM)**

damn

you figured out that im only stalking u for money =/

i hoped it would take you longer

my plan is ruined

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:03 PM)**

Does that mean you're going to stop 'stalking' me now =[

 

**DANiel :] (12:03 PM)**

yes

gotta find me a new sexy youtuber to stalk xD

 

-

_Dan is not serious, of course._

_But then, why is Phil blushing?_

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:04 PM)**

I could pay you?

Say, 1 quid per month xD

 

**DANiel :] (12:04 PM)**

wow phil

im not sure if i should feel flattered or insulted xD

how much work do you require for 1 quid/month =o

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:05 PM)**

That depends

What could I get =o

 

**DANiel :] (12:06 PM)**

i dont exactly have a list of services phil

im not that kinda person xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:07 PM)**

Well we agreed on eternal entertainment but for such a large amount of $ you need to do a little better!

 

**DANiel :] (12:08 PM)**

i never knew you were so high maintenance

i thought i was =/

this relationship is doomed

 

-

_Dan's joke suddenly seems unimportant when placed in the same sentence as the word relationship._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:09 PM)**

I'm like the least high maintenance person in the world!

How abooout

For that 1 quid

~~I get to kiss you? :]~~

I get to hug you whenever you let me? :]

 

**DANiel :] (12:10 PM)**

:]]

are you prepared to hug me forever then?

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:11 PM)**

I don't know

Are you prepared for me to hug you forever?

 

**DANiel :] (12:11 PM)**

phil

i dont think you understand

if you let me i will literally not let go of you for our entire meeting xD

 

-

_The mere thought, mere wish, mere image of that fills him with excitement._

_He means all the things he says, even when it's just banter. He can't help but wonder how serious Dan is about the whole thing._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:12 PM)**

I don't think YOU understand Dan

~~I really want to hold you so much~~

If you let me you won't even have a chance to let go of me, because you will be trapped by me :]

 

-

_Three minutes pass and Phil begins to worry whether he said something wrong, but as always, Dan soothes his worries eventually._

-

 

**DANiel :] (12:16 PM)**

but phil

you know i really mean it right?

when we meet

i want to do a lot of things

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:16 PM)**

I mean it too

I was hoping you did

 

**DANiel :] (12:18 PM)**

you want to hear something pathetic? xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:18 PM)**

Yes

even though I'm sure it won't be pathetic :P

 

**DANiel :] (12:18 PM)**

when i go to bed

i think of you

and i fall  asleep thinking of how it will be when we meet

 

-

_Phil's eyes widen as his lips stretch into the widest possible smile._

_Of course, he has been thinking of the exact same thing for weeks now. But Dan too?_

_Sometimes, it feels like he is living in a fairytale of some sort. It didn't always feel that way, but since Dan, it does, however stupid that might sound._

_Yes, since Dan. Because since he met him, it feels like a whole new chapter of his life has begun, and Phil is anxious for it to progress._

-

 

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:21 PM)**

Dan

 

**DANiel :] (12:21 PM)**

? :x

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:22 PM)**

~~I always think of you~~

I do the same thing

Whenever I close my eyes

~~You're there~~

You're there

 

**DANiel :] (12:22 PM)**

really?

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:22 PM)**

Of course

I imagine meeting you

Seeing you for the first time

 

**DANiel :] (12:25 PM)**

how do you imagine it

tell me

i want to compare :]

 

-

_Phil has gone over every possible scenario in his head, but somehow revealing them to Dan feels quite risky._

_What if his idea of their first meeting is vastly different? It's easy to say something on the internet, but that absolutely doesn't mean he has to follow through with it in real life._

_Talking to Dan is such a rollercoaster of emotions, Phil doesn't even know what to do anymore._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:26 PM)**

~~I'm scared you won't like it =x~~

What if you've got a completely different idea of it?

Which is totally fine, by the way :]

I just don't want to say the wrong thing

 

**DANiel :] (12:26 PM)**

how about we compare step by step :]

?

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:26 PM)**

You start then!

 

**DANiel :] (12:27 PM)**

why me wtf! xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:28 PM)**

it was your idea

:P

 

**DANiel :] (12:28 PM)**

but im younger

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:28 PM)**

Hahaha, so? xD

 

**DANiel :] (12:29 PM)**

youre supposed to let me have it my way

xD

you start!!!11

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:30 PM)**

But I don't know where to begin :[

 

**DANiel :] (12:30 PM)**

ughhhhhh

1 quid/month is so not enough for this xD

fine

 

**DANiel :] (12:31 PM)**

so i imagine getting off the train in manchester and then going for the bus to your town and you meet me at the bus station

am i weird =/

you dont have to meet me

give me an address and ill organise myself

somehow xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:32 PM)**

What.. =o

Dan

I was planning to meet you at the train station

I don't want you wandering around Manchester alone =/ its a bit dodgy at times

If you don't know where to go

 

**DANiel :] (12:32 PM)**

you were?

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:33 PM)**

Of course

Is that ok?

 

**DANiel :] (12:34 PM)**

fuck yeah

xD

i was a bit scared of that part

now ill have to change my bedtime scenario :]

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:34 PM)**

:]

So my plan was to meet you at the train station

So I tend to think of the moment we first see each other..

 

-

_And that, precisely, is where Phil wants to stop talking about this._

_Because his scenarios take all sorts of turns, but --_

_But he does enjoy one of them the most, and it is one he doesn't think he should disclose just yet._

-

 

**DANiel :] (12:35 PM)**

same

i imagine seeing you in a crowd of people and instantly recognising you

just seeing you irl instead of on videos or webcam :]

ehhhhhhhhhhh

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:35 PM)**

:(

It's not long now hopefully!!

 

**DANiel :] (12:36 PM)**

yes

so tell me

what happens next in your bedtime story?

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:37 PM)**

Well, I have a lot of different ideas for what we could do next :]

That depends on if you want to see some Manchester or just head home right away

 

**DANiel :] (12:37 PM)**

but what about the moment right after we see each other for the first time

or do you just skip over to the fun exploration parts :P

 

-

_No. He doesn't. He **definitely** doesn't._

_He couldn't care less whether they go somewhere or not._

_The thing he likes to imagine the most, is that one last second of looking Dan in the eyes, after which they lean in and kiss for the first time._

_But he can hardly say that._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:39 PM)**

~~I like to imagine just looking you in the eyes and~~

I don't want to freak you out Dan =/

 

**DANiel :] (12:40 PM)**

you wont

tell me

please :x

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:41 PM)**

Well

 

-

_Deep breath, long exhale._

_He starts typing._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:43 PM)**

I imagine finding you in the crowd and you come up to me and at first I just want to properly look at you, look you in the eyes

You've got ~~beautiful~~

~~amazing~~

You've got beautiful eyes Dan

And then I want to pull you close and hold you for all this time I've waited for it :x

 

**DANiel :] (12:43 PM)**

and then?

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:43 PM)**

Your turn to say

 

**DANiel :] (12:44 PM)**

well

we talked about this and idk how much of it you really meant :s

but i mean everything

i imagine it just as you do really

but then

i pull away and

and you kiss me

slowly

i just want to do that so bad =/

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:45 PM)**

I meant everything

Dan...

I imagine it the exact same way

Kissing you for the first time

I really really want to do that =[

 

**DANiel :] (12:45 PM)**

:')

i think im going to cry rofl.

YOU want to kiss ME?

YOU??

how is that even possible

 

-

_A simple feeling of warmth slowly gives way to something a little stronger, something fiery, something urgent._

_How is it that Phil has never felt this way before?_

_He has been in relationships._

_How can it be that nothing ever came close to this?_

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:46 PM)**

Dan >_<

Remember what I said about being mean to yourself? :P

Also... How could I not want to kiss you Dan

~~I'm so in love with you~~

I like you so so much >_<

 

**DANiel :] (12:48 PM)**

i like you crazy much too

like really

and i know we've talked and said we both want to

you know

do things like what we said

but i keep thinking maybe its not real

maybe youll change your mind

idk

i just cant believe that someone like you

and

i sound like a loser but whatever

i just cant believe that someone so fucking perfect would want anything to do with me

much less kiss me

or hold me

and i just =/

ffs phil

i hate that we live so far apart =[

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:50 PM)**

You're perfect to me in every way

~~I love you~~

I love everything about you Dan. Please don't think so badly of yourself >_<

I think about you all  the time

And we've never even met

I won't change my mind. Even if you do I will respect it but I will still ~~want you~~ want to be with you

 

**DANiel :] (12:51 PM)**

but what if you see me and you dont like me? =/

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:51 PM)**

That's not even an option

 

**DANiel :] (12:52 PM)**

i wish

but it is an option

i mean, you might hate my hair or my voice or the way i act

or the way i kiss =/

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:52 PM)**

I could never hate anything about you Dan

I'll prove it to you when I see you :]

I hope you won't hate me too =P

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:53 PM)**

Also..

For the kissing part, if anything you will tell me to get lost because of how much I will want to kiss you more

I look at your pictures and imagine it happening

I feel like a creep =[ I'm sorry

 

**DANiel :] (12:54 PM)**

dont say sorry for saying things like that

its like

with every sentence you make another dream of mine come true:]

and if anything it will be you telling ME to fuck off because i cant imagine ever wanting to stop =/

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:54 PM)**

We could just not stop then :]

 

**DANiel :] (12:55 PM)**

but phil

in our scenario we're still at the train station xD people will see

 

-

_Phil wishes he lived in a world where that didn't matter, but he doesn't._

_Besides, Dan has got a point. Some things should be private, almost sacred, and this just might be one of them._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:57 PM)**

We could change it up a little...

I definitely have to hold you as soon as I can

But we could hold off with more until we are alone :]

 

**DANiel :] (12:58 PM)**

'more'

sounds promising xD

 

-

_The heat in his cheeks is an actual, physical sensation. He must closely resemble a Pikachu right now._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:00 PM)**

You know what I meant! :P

 

**DANiel :] (1:01 PM)**

let me dream xD

but i guess we will see what feels right :]

 

**-**

_In a sudden surge of bravery, Phil once again says a bit too much. Reveals a bit too much._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:03 PM)**

There is another thing I like to think of :x

 

**DANiel :] (1:03 PM)**

tell me

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:04 PM)**

Well

Since you're staying the night at my place

Where do you want to sleep?

 

**DANiel :] (1:05 PM)**

in the bath of course

xD

where do you think i WANT to sleep phil

seriously xD

if you asked where i EXPECT to sleep id probably say like the guest bedroom

i dont even know if you have one but i assume you do

but where i want

guess.

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:06 PM)**

I'm a terrible guesser! :[

Tell me?

 

**DANiel :] (1:07 PM)**

tell me what you like to think of first

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:09 PM)**

Grrrrr :P

I like to imagine you sleeping next to me

Just sleeping don't be scared :P

But just

when I wake up I think of seeing your face first thing =/

 

-

_Typing that out feels good, but also makes Phil realize something._

_He's got it **bad**. So, so bad._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:11 PM)**

Is that okay? Of course there is a guest bedroom

You were right =P

 

**DANiel :] (1:12 PM)**

aaaaaaa

i want to be there already :[

of course its alright you dingus

thats exactly what i want too >_<

phil

why are you so perfect

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:13 PM)**

You are. and don't start it

No matter what you say, to me you will always be perfect Dan :]

 

**DANiel :] (1:14 PM)**

see

i say youre perfect and then you go and prove me right

ehhhh :]

i cant waittttttt

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:15 PM)**

Three weeks if we're lucky

We just need the tickets

 

**DANiel :] (1:16 PM)**

yes

we should book this week

 

-

_Three weeks is a short amount of time, but it feels like forever._

_If it were up to Phil, Dan would be here right now. In his arms._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:17 PM)**

I'm really excited ^_^ ^_^ ^_^

 

**DANiel :] (1:17 PM)**

so excited that there are now three copies of you? ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ xD

but yes

i am too

im scared though =/

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:17 PM)**

Why?

:(

 

**DANiel :] (1:18 PM)**

scared you wont like me

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:19 PM)**

I will like you

1000% sure

Besides, what if you don't like me? =/

 

-

_That is Phil's least favourite scenario, the one where Dan chooses to be just friends because... Well... Because. There are a billion possibilities, all of which terrify Phil immensely._

-

 

**DANiel :] (1:20 PM)**

i will more than like you

i swear

anything else is impossible

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:20 PM)**

Then you should believe me too :]

 

**DANiel :] (1:21 PM)**

yeah but

youre phil :P

youre amazing

pun intended xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:22 PM)**

Remind me to kick you when I see you xD

But

You're Dan! Even more amazing :]

 

**DANiel :] (1:23 PM)**

i hope you will still think so once im there

at the train station

looking at you

wanting to kiss you

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:24 PM)**

Dan, I will still think so 10 years from now, I promise :]

 

**DANiel :] (1:25 PM)**

you are too sweet

it should be illegal

(im glad that its not.) xD <3

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:25 PM)**

No you <3

 

**DANiel :] (1:25 PM)**

<3 <3 <3

 

~~~~~

 

-

_They spend the majority of the day talking, neither getting anything useful done._

_Once they part ways for the night, Phil goes to bed with a head full of dreams and starts imagining everything they've talked about._

_His musings are interrupted by a text._

-

 

**Dan, 3:31 AM**

im hugging my pillow and imagining that its you. good night phil <3 xx

 

 

**Phil, 3:32 AM**

If you were here I would hold you close the whole night Dan :] Good night xx <3

 

-

_Phil grabs his spare pillow and embraces it._

_If everything goes well, in three weeks his dreams may come true._

-


	8. what else do you want to do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Typos in this chapter are super intended. Don't hate me.

_Friday, four days later_

_It's been a good week, again. Phil is slowly reaching the conclusion that every week can be great, as long as Dan is involved._

_Lately, they're **always** talking. On Skype, through both text and voice calls. Through texts. The occasional phone call. Video calls. They're **always** talking, and even then, Phil can't sate this thirst, this need for staying in touch, this wish to know even more about Dan._

_Whenever Dan is not around, Phil reads their past conversations, checks Dan's Twitter or Dailybooth, stares at his pictures like the pathetic loser that he is, leaves him comments without a single care as to what other people might think about them._

_Not much truly matters, not really, except Dan._

_Friday evenings are Phil's favourite - they don't need to get up early, so they both stay up carelessly, talking for hours. Tonight is different, though._

_Dan's friend, his real life friend, is back in town for the weekend and is throwing a birthday party. Dan actually said he might skip it, but Phil convinced him to go, even though he would love for Dan to stay and chat._

_It's not healthy. Dan should go and have fun doing other things too._

_That, however, leaves Phil with nothing to do, and also leaves him feeling strangely empty, uneasy and anxious. This feeling is a bit too close to withdrawal, and if he were to be honest, it's probably not good for him. Of course, he won't even try to do anything to change it._

_Dan heads out at around 7 in the evening, and since then, Phil is just fighting the urge to text him. He puts on a movie to pass the time, but he isn't paying attention to it at all, too busy checking his phone every two minutes to make sure that Dan hasn't texted him yet._

_Around 9, he finally gives in._

-

 

**Phil, 9:24 PM**

I've spent the last two hours telling myself not to text you, but I failed. :[ I've been watching this documentary about this guy that only ate pizza for three years and it made me hungry :[ Hope you're having fun, I miss you <3

 

-

_Dan doesn't reply immediately, which is what Phil had hoped for. Phil chucks his phone on the bed and goes to take a shower._

_On the way to the bathroom, he runs back to bring his phone with him, just in case. He wraps it in a towel and leaves it in the bathroom sink so that it doesn't get wet while he showers._

_He takes his time in the shower, but no reply comes. Once he gets out, he puts his phone on the shelf and wraps the towel around his hips. Then he shaves,  examines his roots, makes a mental note to buy a new box of hair dye, grabs a second towel and puts it on his shoulders._

_He's done, and he still hasn't received a reply._

_It makes sense. Dan is at a party, surrounded by people. It would be rude to text Phil instead of talking to those that are in front of him._

_Phil sighs, shuts the bathroom door and pads to his bedroom, with nothing else to do but wait._

-

 

**Dan, 10:08 PM**

PHIL! i miss you too :[ theres a metrif cfuckton of people here and i want to go home but my mate liam insists i stay a bit longer =((( I MISS U NSO MUCH <33333 xxxxxxxxxxx

 

-

_Phil nearly faints, startled by the text, and is smiling like a lunatic by the time he's done reading it._

-

 

**Phil, 10:10 PM**

Liam is the birthday friend? Tell him happy birthday from me! xD

Save me some cake!!

And don't drink too much! =o

I miss you more <3 :]

 

**Dan, 10:12 PM**

yes he is and i told him and he syas u need to come to his bext birthday xD

you willcome

right???

please phil <3

 

**Phil, 10:13 PM**

I don't know Dan, I'm a very busy person

Gotham needs me =o

 

**Dan, 10:14 PM**

i didnt know u were bantman xD

lol

bantman

hahahaha

that is theb ets typo ive ever made

PHIL THE BANTMAN!!!!

 

**Phil, 10:15 PM**

Hahah

Do I get a cool cape if I'm Bantman? =P

 

**Dan, 10:18 PM**

no

or yes

but youre gonna be naked other than the cape =o

 

**Phil, 10:19 PM**

Is that some weird kink of yours Dan

Because I'm not sure if I'm willing to participate xD

 

-

_Dan doesn't answer for some time, so Phil entertains himself by starting up a replay of Pokemon Yellow._

_Just as he starts fighting the first gym leader, his phone begins to ring._

-

 

**Incoming call**

**Dan**

"Phil! Hi! Hi Phiiiil!"

 

-

_Phil can barely hear Dan over the noise in the background. There's music, there are other people, and one person in particular shouting over Dan the whole time._

_But it's Dan. Dan's called him instead of hanging out with his friends._

_It makes him feel special, and a little less pathetic for feeling so out of place when Dan is not around._

-

 

"Hi Dan! I can barely hear you..."

"IS THAT BETTER?!"

"Nooo! Oh my god, that's _worse_. I think I'm deaf now!"

"Nooooo. _Phiiiiiiil_. You _can't_ be deaf. I want to sing to you. Do you want me to sing? I can sing. I can seng--sing--I can sing like... I can sing _A Whole New World._ From Aladdin. You know? Aladdin? You know... Jasmine... And the flying -- flying tiger."

 

-

_Phil bursts into laughter. Dan is **so bloody drunk**._

_He checks the time on his laptop. It's only half past eleven._

-

 

"Flying tiger? I think we've seen different renditions of _Aladdin_." _He pauses, looks up to the ceiling, lost in thought._ "Although, imagine that! Flying tigers! They could fly around and eat people from above!"

"Oh, yes, no, no tigers, it was -- flying beds? No. Carpets. Fuck. Fuck Phil, I think I'm a little -- a little -- tipsy. I don't know, maybe, like a little bit."

"Just _a little_ , yeah."

"No, just a little, I've only had -- I've had this pink thing -- I don't rememe-remember the name... I've had four of that and -- Phil. Phil, you should _come here_."

"I would if I could." _A sudden thought strikes him_. "Dan, how are you going to get home?"

"I don't want to get home. I want to go to _your_ home. Like right now."

"Mine is a little farther than yours, though."

"Yes, but yours --"

 

-

_After a lot of noise, Phil hears a voice that is definitely not Dan's, screaming into the phone._

-

 

"Are you Phil? Mate! Dan won't stop talking about you!" _Faintly, Phil hears Dan shout in the background._ "Fuck off, Daniel! I'm not giving it back! Yo! Phil! Phil! I'm Liam!"

 

-

_Out of that whole thing, Phil hears only one sentence._

**_Dan won't stop talking about you_ ** _._

-

 

"He won't?"

"What? Can't hear you mate! Dan won't stop yelling at me--No, Dan--"

 

-

_After some more struggle, Dan regains control of his phone_.

-

 

"Phil! I'm sooorryyyy! Liam is a twat! Can you hear me?! Wait. Wait. I'll go to the -- into -- into the bedroom. Okay. Phil? Can you hear me?"

"Yes Dan--"

"Oh my god Phil, I miss you so fucking much. So much. I want to go home. I'm going -- I'm going soon. There's too many people here Phil, and I don't know them, and I -- they're _weird_ \-- and they don't like me. They hate me. They _hate_ me."

 

-

_Phil doesn't even know which part of that to address first, but Dan keeps on, without a break._

-

 

"I just -- I sit here all evening, here, I mean at Liam's, you know, so I -- sit -- I sit here and I miss you, I miss you so fucking much, and I'm like, I told Liam, I told him. I told him. I told him like, why does Phil even talk to me when he is so fucking perfect, and I really don't get it --"

 

-

_Dan pauses again, and more noise follows. Someone else must have entered the room._

-

 

"What? What? Oh. Fuck, no, I don't want to see _that_. Wait Phil. Wait." _Phil doesn't say anything and neither does Dan, for about thirty seconds._ "Phiiiiiil. Some people came into the bedroom to have sex."

 

-

_Phil sputters, then starts laughing._

-

 

"What're you laughing at? You prick!"

"Just imagined your reaction to those people. The thought of your face makes me laugh."

"The thought of _your_ face makes me happy." _It seems that Dan listens to only bits of what Phil says._ "So happy Phil. So happy. I could cry. I'll cry! I'll cry right now! But -- no. No, I'm just gonna go home, I'll ring for a taxi and I'll go home and I'll come on Skype. Okay? Yeah? You'll be there, right? Please, Phil, please."

 

-

_Talking more to Dan while he is that drunk?_

_Phil wouldn't miss it for the world._

 

 

~~~~~

_Thirty minutes later_

 

**DANiel :] has come online.**

**DANiel :] (1:33 AM)**

PHILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL lllllllllLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:33 AM)**

DANNNNNNNN :D

 

**DANiel :] (1:34 AM)**

im HEREEEEH

omgg

the taxci driver was so bloody RUDE! ! !

he was like

teklling me not to throw up xD

im not even that drunk wtf

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:34 AM)**

Hahahah xD

No not at all

You're the most sober person ever

 

**DANiel :] (1:35 AM)**

exactly

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:35 AM)**

Dan

 

**DANiel :] (1:35 AM)**

yes phil???:]

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:36 AM)**

You flying tiger xD

I wasn't being serious

I think you are a little drunk =P

How much did you drink? =o

 

**DANiel :] (1:36 AM)**

im not drunmk

idk

not that much :]

phil

 im issed you

:(

i missed you so much

fuck

is it ok that i say it?

phil?

phil did you miss me too =/

if you didnttn then tell me okay

i want us to be honest

always jhonest

okay?

phil

<3

:]

but

you missed me right

phillllll <3

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:38 AM)**

Hahahahahahahah

Daaannn.. Of course I missed you :]

But maybe you should go to sleep and sleep it off =P

 

**DANiel :] (1:38 AM)**

waht

nooooooo :]

i want to talk to you

why do youi want me to leave :[

do you hate me phil

?

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:38 AM)**

Nooo!

I'm busted :[ you figured out that I hate you :[

Now I must feed you to my lion!

 

**DANiel :] (1:39 AM)**

:((((((((

you are trolling me

yiou dont hate me :]

or you dont hate me yet

i think you will evenbtually =/

phil

can i tell you something

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:39 AM)**

You can tell me anything Dan =]

And I will never hate you!!!!!!!!!!! Never ever ever ever ever

 

**DANiel :] (1:40 AM)**

i want to see you

 

_-_

_Phil sighs heavily_. _Their conversation is extremely amusing, but also bittersweet, because when he thinks of all the miles between them, he feels as though a part of his own soul had gone missing. He won't find it until he finds Dan._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:40 AM)**

Me too >_<

I can't wait

 

 

** DANiel :] has initiated a video call. **

Accept                    Decline

 

-

_Phil is taken aback, initially surprised. He is the one to start their video calls every time, never Dan._

_In fact, he completely hadn't expected one today, which is why he is sitting there in his pyjamas, his hair an unstraightened mess. He hasn't bothered after the shower._

_He probably shouldn't accept. Dan is most likely not in his right mind at the present, not to mention that it's clear he could use some sleep._

_On the other hand, seeing Dan..._

-

 

** Phil ^_^ joins the call. **

Connecting...

 

** Video call with DANiel :]. **

_-_

_On the side of the screen, Dan's face appears._

_His room is dark, so dark that Dan's skin appears almost translucent in the blue light of his laptop. He's wearing a button up with three of the top buttons undone, revealing a good part of his neck._

_He's also smiling, biting his bottom lip as he stares at the screen, at Phil. When their eyes meet through the camera, Dan starts giggling and covers his mouth with his hand._

_He is so **bloody cute**._

-

 

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:43 AM)**

Hi Dan <3

 

**DANiel :] (1:43 AM)**

PHIL :D

omg

<3

you look so

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:43 AM)**

I'm sorry I'm such a mess rofl =/ I didn't expect you'd see me today :[

 

**DANiel :] (1:43 AM)**

amazing

no

what

you lolok perfect

fuck

im saying too much i think xD

but just

<3333333333

phillllllllllllll :]]

 

-

_Dan looks straight into the camera and offers Phil a little side-smile._

_The camera is a blurry, pixelated mess, and yet, Dan looks about a hundred thousand times better than any other person Phil has ever seen in his life._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:44 AM)**

No I don't

You do :]

Dan, you have no idea

You look so amazing

 

**DANiel :] (1:44 AM)**

all night iwished youd be there with me

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:44 AM)**

Me too

~~I've been thinking about you the whole night~~

I couldn't focus on anything, just wanted to text you =/

 

**DANiel :] (1:45 AM)**

me too =[

my firends are kind of like

pricks

they dont relaly like me but i understand it

becauseim a loser xD

but you

you always act like you really like me

you are so sweet

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:45 AM)**

Dan >_<

What am I always telling you???

 

**DANiel :] (1:46 AM)**

that chocolate is hte best source of vitamins?? xD

 

-

_Phil starts laughing and Dan laughs along. Instead of replying, Phil spends a little time simply looking at Dan. There are dimples in his cheeks and there is joy in his eyes, and Phil wishes, he wishes that Dan was here with him._

-

**Phil ^_^ (1:47 AM)**

Whaaat

No! xD

That you need to be nice to yourself

You're not allowed to insult my Dan :]

 

-

_Dan's smile is impossibly wide now._

_Phil is losing himself in the sight._

-

 

**DANiel :] (1:47 AM)**

make me stop thennbnnnnn

come here

xD

coeme and force meeeeeeeeeeeee

mwahahah

you cant xD

but sitkll

come here

plzzzzzzzz

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:47 AM)**

I want toooo :[

Or you come here

~~I want to kiss you so bad~~

Theres so much I want to do with you

 

**DANiel :] (1:48 AM)**

me too :[

i want

wanttttt

 

-

_Dan glances to the side, shakes his head slightly._

-

 

**DANiel :] (1:48 AM)**

i want so much with you phil =x

 

-

_Phil wants to ask._

_But should he?_

_Probably not._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:49 AM)**

What do you want Dan? :]

~~I'd do anything~~

Say it and it's yours

Unless it's something like, me jumping off a bridge. In which case I will have to think about it xD

 

**DANiel :] (1:49 AM)**

no you spork

xD

i wantttttt othjer things

i want you here

with me :[

do youk now what i really want

when im looking at you like this

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:49 AM)**

Tell me

 

**DANiel :] (1:50 AM)**

i want you to kiss me so bad =x

 

-

_Seeing Dan say the exact same thing that Phil wanted to say is both liberating and terrifying._

_Somehow, actually getting to see Dan's face, the way he looks so shy and still doesn't stop, just makes this so much worse._

_Why?_

_Because looking at Dan, the only thing that Phil can think of is his lips._

_Dan's lips on his._

_And they haven't even met._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:51 AM)**

I would if you were here >_<

Come plz :[

 

**DANiel :] (1:51 AM)**

otmorrow

im going to book tickets

i dont care whaty the price is

WE GOTTA MEETTT

and then

we meet

when are your parents leaving

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:52 AM)**

Um, on the 10th I think?

And they come back like 2 weeks later

 

**DANiel :] (1:52 AM)**

ok

:]

phil

you sitll want to meet me?

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:52 AM)**

I want to meet you more than anything >_<

 

**DANiel :] (1:53 AM)**

<3

you make me so much haappier

i cant believe you talk to me

 

-

_Dan makes a heart shape with his hands, and Phil returns the gesture._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:53 AM)**

And I can't believe how lucky I am that you started talking to me :]

 

**DANiel :] (1:53 AM)**

lolllllll

im lucky

not you xD

have you seen yoyurself

phil.

 can i say something a bit weird

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:54 AM)**

You always say weird things Dan

You don't have to ask =P

 

-

_Dan pointedly flashes his tongue at him._

_Phil's cheeks are starting to hurt from smiling._

-

 

 

**DANiel :] (1:56 AM)**

youre so fucking hot :x

 

-

_If Phil's cheeks were hurting before, his whole face hurts now, from how warm it's become._

_He's blushing, really really blushing, and he can only hope that the camera won't pick it up._

_He runs his fingers through his hair, messing it up even more, meets Dan's eyes through the camera, then swallows thickly._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:57 AM)**

I'm totally not

You are :x

~~I can't stop staring at that bit of skin you're showing~~

 

**DANiel :] (1:57 AM)**

if you were here

i dont thionk i coujld stop kissing you

like ever

i just want to kiss you all night

 

_-_

_Phil doesn't know how to react._

_Dan is drunk, really drunk, and may not mean any of this._

_But what is it that they say? Drunk words are sober thoughts?_

_It's not like Phil hasn't had thoughts like that before. They were just never spoken in this manner._

_His common sense tells him to make Dan go to sleep._

_His heart and his deepest desires tell him to treasure this while it lasts._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:58 AM)**

You wouldn't have the chance to stop because I wouldn't let you

I want to kiss your lips

Kiss your cheek and your nose :]

~~Kiss your neck~~

I wish I could hold you right now >_<

 

**DANiel :] (1:58 AM)**

please :[

<3

what else do you wnat to do

phil

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:58 AM)**

Literally anything you want

~~I don't think I could say no to you~~

I just want to be with you :[

 

-

_He awaits a response, staring at Dan, and his heart nearly beats its way out of his chest, because Dan begins unbuttoning his shirt, fumbling with the buttons for what feels like an eternity._

_Dan isn't looking at the camera, but Phil could never force himself to look away, because with each loose button, more of Dan's bare skin is revealed._

_Phil freezes when Dan eventually takes off his shirt altogether, now sitting there topless. Only then does he meet his eyes, looking bashful._

_Phil simply stares, not knowing what to do._

-

 

**DANiel :] (2:03 AM)**

im too warmmmmmmmmmm

do you mind? :P

 

-

_Phil swallows. His throat feels like sandpaper._

_Fuck, **no**. He does not mind._

-

 

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:06 AM)**

~~You are so fucking gorgeous~~

Noo of course not :]

 

-

_He needs to say something, anything, literally **anything** else than what he is thinking of._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:07 AM)**

Where'd you get that shirt?

 

**DANiel :] (2:08 AM)**

seriously phil

my shirt xD

dont knowwwwwww dont careeeeeee

do youk now what?

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:08 AM)**

?

 

**DANiel :] (2:08 AM)**

youre so perfect

<3

phillll :]

soo you dont mind me sititng here half naked xD?

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:10 AM)**

~~I mind because you're there and not here =/~~

~~I mind because you're only half naked =P~~

Dan are you serious?

>_<

I don't even knwo what to say because you're so gorgeous

 

-

_Dan's eyes widen. He giggles._

_Phil should just **die,** really. It would be easier than not saying anything that's out of line right now._

_-_

 

**DANiel :] (2:11 AM)**

do you think thsat

when we meet

and we you know

get to know each other a bit

ugh

idk what im trying t osay

i mean

phil

..

do you find me attractive at all =/?

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:11 AM)**

How can you even doubt that Dan =P

You look absolutely amazing

I just want to kiss you ~~all over~~ right now :[

 

**DANiel :] (2:13 AM)**

and what if i wanted more than just kissing

 

-

_Oh, no._

_No. Dan. Nooo._

_Phil has to remind himself that out of the two of them, he is the one that's older and sober, and he needs to find a way stay sensible._

_Somehow._

_-_

**Phil ^_^ (2:14 AM)**

Then I would ask you to think about it again when you're sober :P :]

 

-

_Dan actually pouts, and Phil wants to scream from how much he wants **him**._

_-_

**DANiel :] (2:15 AM)**

what if i alrjeayd think about it and i just dont tell you =/

its ok if you dont want anything else

i mean

youre like

10000% perfect

and im just

a fan xD

a crazy stalker

and youre so fuckikng far out of my league

 

**-**

_Phil's steel resolve collapses within seconds, desperate to stop that train of thought._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:17 AM)**

Dannnnnn

You have no clue...

You're so irresistible

If you were here I don't know what I'd do =/

 

-

_Dan slowly moves his hand upwards, starting from running his fingers across his collarbone, ending with a short rub at the back of his neck._

_It's almost deliberate, this torture, and yet Phil hopes it will never end._

-

 

**DANiel :] (2:17 AM)**

i know what id want you to do at oleast =x

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:17 AM)**

~~What do you want me to do?~~

Ughhhh, we need to meet soon, like yesterday :[

 

**DANiel :] (2:18 AM)**

yes we do

:]

phil

im so lucky to have you

serioiusly <3

please tell me you wont hate me when you see me irl

i keep thinking abjout it

 

-

_Phil sees Dan adjust himself in bed, leaning against some pillows, practically lying down._

_He can't help but imagine himself being there, with Dan, in that bed._

-

 

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:18 AM)**

I'm only going to ~~love~~ like you so much more when we meet

I mean it Dan, you don't have to worry :]

I promise

 

**DANiel :] (2:19 AM)**

are you really sure =/

because im like

not worthy of youj you know?

m not hing special

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:20 AM)**

Don't ever say that

You're wonderful in every way and I will tell you every day until you believe me =]

And even then I'll still tell you every day

Dan

No one's ever meant this much to me and we haven't even met

You're so perfect :[

Plz come here nowww

 

-

_Once he is done typing, he looks at the camera, finding that Dan has closed his eyes._

_He looks serene, relaxed, and so **beautiful**._

_Phil reckons he's shut his eyes for a moment and will open them any minute now._

_Any minute now..._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:24 AM)**

Dan you fell asleep xD

Wake upppp!!!!!

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:41 AM)**

Dannnnnnnn don't sleep like this what if your laptop falls on the floor:[

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:59 AM)**

Fine

Keep sleeping :] You must be so tired

You look so cute right now by the way :P

<3

Sweet dreams Dan

I hope you wake up and at least get a blanket :]

<3

Good night :]

 

-

_Phil doesn't end the call. Instead, he sets his laptop on the chair next to his bed, and stares at Dan's sleeping form until he too falls asleep._

_He only hopes that Dan won't regret anything that's been said during the course of the night._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! I can't seem to stop writing this one, it's a lot of fun to write. Thank you for your feedback and please keep letting me know your thoughts, it's super motivating :)  
> If you're surprised by the 'developments' in this chapter, I'm trying to loosely follow the Phan timeline, and if you've read that then you probably know how they interacted back in those days, hahah  
> Also I'm sorry if Phil is boring in this chapter, it's very Dan-centric, I'll try keep him more in-character in the future!


	9. i didnt say i didnt mean it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so, so much for your feedback on this fic. It's thanks to you all that I'm staying up on a work night just to post a new chapter. :)
> 
> I'm sorry I haven't responded to your comments yet, I will do it tomorrow - gotta sleep now.  
> Please let me know what you think of this one too :)

 

**_Saturday_ **

_-_

_Phil wakes up to the sound of his mum calling him downstairs for breakfast._

_He's not rested, not at all. It's still far too early. He rubs his eyes tiredly and shifts to lie on the side, surveying the room, trying to remember what day it even is._

_The moment that he sees his laptop on the chair next to the bed, clarity washes over him, and he remembers last night._

_Suddenly, this turns into one of the fastest awakenings he's ever had. His heart starts racing before he even properly recalls the conversation that he and Dan had._

_He is not surprised when, upon sitting up and checking his laptop properly, he finds that their call had dropped during the night and Dan is now offline. Dan's internet is just as bad as Phil's is, so it's more than likely that he had gotten disconnected at some point. He's probably still asleep, it's only 10 in the morning._

_At breakfast, Phil is in a daze, thinking only of Dan._

_Did Dan mean it? What should Phil say when they talk again? Will things be awkward? Probably, to be honest. Even then, Phil can't wait until Dan comes online._

_The problem is, hours pass, Dan doesn't appear, and Phil can't find anything to occupy his mind with that is not related to Dan. He finally decides to just text him._

-

 

**Phil, 4:03 PM**

~~Hey Dan! Did you sleep well?~~

~~Daaan where are you! :[~~

~~Hi Dan!~~

-

_For fuck's sake._

-

 

**Phil, 4:07 PM**

Dan! You're not on MSN or Skype, tell me you're not still asleep!? =o

 

**Dan, 4:14 PM**

im not

 

-

_Phil waits for an addition to that, but it never comes._

_Did he say something wrong last night? Did he say too much?_

_It's pathetic, but he almost wants to call Dan, if only to get his answers sooner._

-

 

**Phil, 4:15 PM**

~~Is everything okay Dan? =/~~

Well, now I know!! Will you be coming online soon? :]

 

**Dan, 4:16 PM**

do you want me to?

 

**Phil, 4:16 PM**

Of course ~~, why wouldn't I??~~

If you want to that is

 

**Dan, 4:17 PM**

okay

chat in 10?

 

**Phil, 4:18 PM**

Okay

 

-

_Something is **wrong**._

_Or Phil is overreacting. Doesn't matter._

_He runs down to the kitchen for a glass of water and then runs back up, out of breath by the time he sits at his desk and begins staring at the screen, waiting for Dan._

-

 

**4:29 PM: DANiel :] has come online.**

**Phil ^_^ (4:29 PM)**

Daaaaaannnn!!! =]

 

**DANiel :] (4:29 PM)**

heeey

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:30 PM)**

How are you? :]]

 

**DANiel :] (4:31 PM)**

+-

you?

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:31 PM)**

I'm alright

tired

Mum woke me up at a ridiculous hour xD Come on mum let me sleep in! :[

 

**DANiel :] (4:32 PM)**

haha

i got up like 2 hours ago

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:32 PM)**

Lucky ducky

 

**DANiel :] (4:33 PM)**

xD

 

-

_And then, there was silence._

_Why? Why isn't Dan saying anything? They've never had this problem before. They have had days when they've spent twelve hours talking without running out of things to say._

_Why does everything suddenly feel so weird and awkward?_

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:39 PM)**

What are you up to? =]

 

**DANiel :] (4:40 PM)**

nothing really =/ and you?

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:40 PM)**

Im watching some videos about dogs not wanting to take a bath xD

 

**DANiel :] (4:40 PM)**

haha

 

-

_Nothing yet again._

_-_

**Phil ^_^ (4:46 PM)**

Any plans for tonight?

 

**DANiel :] (4:47 PM)**

no

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:47 PM)**

me neither

I thought I might film a video

I wrote the script for it yesterday :]

 

**DANiel :] (4:48 PM)**

niceee :]

 

-

_Now Phil is certain something is wrong._

_Dan always asks him for hints on what his newest video will be about. Now, he continues to say nothing._

_Is it something that Phil did last night?_

_What should he even do?_

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:53 PM)**

~~Dan, is everything ok? =/~~

~~Is something wrong?~~

~~You seem weird today, are you ok?~~

Is everything okay Dan?

 

**DANiel :] (4:53 PM)**

why wouldnt it be

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:54 PM)**

You're acting weird =/

 

**DANiel :] (4:54 PM)**

isnt that the usual then

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:54 PM)**

No

usually its the good kind of weird =p

~~Have I done~~

~~Are you upset with me?~~

Are you upset?

 

**DANiel :] (4:55 PM)**

=/

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:55 PM)**

Dan?

Tell me =/

Have I done something?

 

**DANiel :] (4:56 PM)**

no

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:56 PM)**

Then?

 

**DANiel :] (4:59 PM)**

nothing

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:00 PM)**

Dan, give me something to work with here :[

What's the matter? tell me

 

**DANiel :] (5:01 PM)**

i told you phil

its nothing.

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:01 PM)**

No it isn't, I can tell =/

 

**DANiel :] (5:01 PM)**

>_<

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:02 PM)**

Dan please

You can tell me

Have I done something to annoy you?

Tell me

 

**DANiel :] (5:03 PM)**

no

its all me =/

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:03 PM)**

Now you REALLY have to tell me :[

I'm worried

 

**DANiel :] (5:04 PM)**

ughhhhhh

phil...

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:04 PM)**

?

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:08 PM)**

Dan?

Are you there?

 

**DANiel :] (5:08 PM)**

yeah im here

im just

..

okay

should i just say it

 

-

_Phil's hands are unsteady as he types out the response._

_-_

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:08 PM)**

Yes

Please

 

**DANiel :] (5:08 PM)**

i woke up today

and i read back through our convo from last night

and im SORRY =/

god phil

i was really drunk i think =/

are you upset with me?

i feel so fucking stupid

 

-

_Phil's eyes widen. He stares at the screen, perplexed, as the messages keep rolling in._

-

 

**DANiel :] (5:09 PM)**

like

i must have made u uncomfortable =/

or maybe u didnt read into it and now im making things even more awkward idk

im really sorry though

i was reading it and i was like

implying shit

and u were like think about it when youre sober

thats like

basically telling me no =/

which is fine

of course

but like

im sorry phil

 

**DANiel :] (5:11 PM)**

thats a lot of like i just said up there but i dont care

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:11 PM)**

Is this why you're upset?

 

**DANiel :] (5:11 PM)**

yeah i guess

im not upset

i just feel liek an idiot

i feel like sometimes

im imposing on you

you know?

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:12 PM)**

Dan >_<

Haven't you read the other stuff I said =/

other than the 'sober' thing

 

**DANiel :] (5:13 PM)**

of course i have phil

but youre always so nice

and im using that =/

would you let your other fans talk to you like that rofl.. fuck sake

im a weirdo

im sorry phil =[

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:13 PM)**

Oh my god Dan

you're not my 'fan' >_<

What the fuck

 

**DANiel :] (5:13 PM)**

wow

you never say fuck

 

**DANiel :] (5:15 PM)**

did i piss u off?

 

-

_Phil shakes his head, looks up to the ceiling, takes a deep breath._

_Maybe he didn't handle last night the way he should. But with Dan being so self-deprecating now, he can hardly say that he didn't really want to stop whatever was going on during that last conversation._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:16 PM)**

No Dan

I just =/

You're not my fan or my subscriber or whatever.. You're my Dan

I don't talk to anyone the way I talk to you

I thought you knew that

 

**DANiel :] (5:16 PM)**

=[

i do know that but that doesnt give me the right to say stuff like that =/ like imply wanting more than u give me etc or .. the other thing i did

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:17 PM)**

You were drunk

 

**DANiel :] (5:17 PM)**

thats no excuse

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:17 PM)**

I never said it made me uncomfortable

 

**DANiel :] (5:18 PM)**

i think it did

else you wouldnt have told me to wait until i

no

whatever

im sorry

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:19 PM)**

You have nothing to say sorry for

Im sorry if I said the wrong thing =/

 

**DANiel :] (5:19 PM)**

no i am

sorry for exactly that =//

 

**Phil ^_^ (5:19 PM)**

Dan I know you didn't mean it

You were drunk

Like really drunk

 

-

_Dan hasn't even said that much._

_He said he wants more than just kissing. Of course, Phil knows what that implies._

_Then Dan took his shirt off._

_It wasn't --_

_But yeah, it kinda was._

_But Dan's got it all wrong. Again._

_Not for the first time, Phil wishes those miles between them would disappear. How do you convey things like that over text?_

_Dan doesn't respond for over five minutes._

-

 

**DANiel :] (5:25 PM)**

i didnt say i didnt mean it

i said im sorry if it made you uncomfortable

 

-

_Phil freezes as it slowly sinks in._

_Before he gets to reply, Dan says something else._

-

 

**DANiel :] (5:27 PM)**

my mums yelling at me to come down for dinner

...

ill be back later

im sorry :(

 

-

_Phil slumps back in the chair._

_What can he even say?_

-

 

**_Four hours later_ **

**DANiel :] (9:41 PM)**

im here now

they made me stay downstairs because my grandparents came over

are you there =/

 

**Phil ^_^ (9:42 PM)**

I am

Are you okay?

 

**DANiel :] (9:42 PM)**

yeah

appaz my parents and my grandparents are going out of town for a couple of days

tomorrow morning

so thats pretty fucking rad

and my brother is doing some sleepover thing cuz they dont trust me to look after him

which i mean

i get that

but yeah

gonna have the place to myself

 

**Phil ^_^ (9:42 PM)**

Oo

That's awesome :]

 

**DANiel :] (9:43 PM)**

yeah

so

did you film that video?

 

**Phil ^_^ (9:44 PM)**

Not yet =/

 

**DANiel :] (9:44 PM)**

arent you gonna do it tonight?

 

**Phil ^_^ (9:44 PM)**

~~I'm too distracted at the moment~~

~~I'd rather stay here and chat with you~~

Trying to get rid of me? =P

 

**DANiel :] (9:45 PM)**

=P totally

no i just want a new amazingphil video :]

what was it going to be about? :]

 

-

_So they're just not going to talk about it?_

_Is that what Dan wants?_

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (9:46 PM)**

Top secret

 

**DANiel :] (9:47 PM)**

plz

 

**Phil ^_^ (9:47 PM)**

No

 

**DANiel :] (9:47 PM)**

yes plz =/

 

**Phil ^_^ (9:47 PM)**

No

 

**DANiel :] (9:47 PM)**

do u want me to cry phil

is that what youre trying to do

=//

='(

:'(

;(

=''''[

 

**Phil ^_^ (9:48 PM)**

=[

I just want it to be a surprise! and it's nothing special

 

**DANiel :] (9:48 PM)**

im sure it is

 

**DANiel :] (9:49 PM)**

you should film it phil

i dont wanna keep you from it

 

**Phil ^_^ (9:49 PM)**

I can film it some other day

It's not like I'm on a deadline =P

 

**DANiel :] (9:50 PM)**

yes u are

i am your manager and i say you are xD

gogogogogogogo

i wanna see it!!

 

-

_Phil reads and then re-reads the messages that Dan is sending him now. In his mind, he compares them to just four hours ago._

_Has Dan just calmed down? Or are they ignoring the problem?_

_Maybe it really would be better for him to go film now, give Dan a little break._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (9:53 PM)**

Fineee

If you hate me that much I'll go =[

 

**DANiel :] (9:53 PM)**

i could never hate you

 

**Phil ^_^ (9:53 PM)**

You better not =/

 

**DANiel :] (9:53 PM)**

lets talk tomorrow? :]

 

**Phil ^_^ (9:53 PM)**

Of course, if you'll want to

 

**DANiel :] (9:54 PM)**

of course i do. it would be amazing =]

 

**Phil ^_^ (9:54 PM)**

=]]

Good night Dan

text me when you go to bed?

 

**DANiel :] (9:55 PM)**

maybe

youll have to wait and see

nn phil

im sorry.

 

**9:55 PM: DANiel :] has gone offline.**

-

_Phil films a sketch as promised, but it just doesn't feel right._

-

 

**Dan, 1:03 AM**

gnight phil, i hope youre ok, hope your video went well, hope you will talk to me tomorrow. lets just chill and not think about anything okay? i miss you. good night. <3

 

**Phil, 1:04 AM**

Anything you want Dan. :] Sweet dreams. <3

 

-

_It takes him over three hours to fall asleep._

-

 

**_Sunday_ **

_-_

_Phil spends the day helping out around the house, doing stuff he can hardly stand, what with his mind so preoccupied with Dan._

_They exchange a few texts, nothing of any importance, but Dan's mood seems to be back to normal._

_Perhaps they truly can just put this behind them, whatever it was._

_In the evening, his parents go out, and he's got the house to himself. Only then does he dare go on his laptop and sign into Skype._

_Dan is already online, and Phil's heart is beating out an erratic beat._

-

 

**DANiel :] (8:11 PM)**

PHIL  :]

 

**Phil ^_^ (8:11 PM)**

Dannnn :]]

My parents just left

Sweet freedom xD

Not long now till they go away for a few weeks! :]

Not that I hate them or something

 

**DANiel :] (8:11 PM)**

haha

busted =P

 

**Phil ^_^ (8:12 PM)**

I'm mostly looking forward to it because I'll see you

 

-

_Will he, though? Or has he spoiled something?_

-

 

**DANiel :] (8:12 PM)**

=]

me too

we need to check tickets

btw.

im glad you still want to

 

**Phil ^_^ (8:12 PM)**

How could I not? =/

 

**DANiel :] (8:13 PM)**

idk

doesnt matter

tonight i just want to chill :]

tell me about your video

when am i gonna see it

i swear to god phil ur so slow xD

ive been waiting all day

refreshing youtube

like a nerd

 

**Phil ^_^ (8:13 PM)**

Awwww xD

You're not a nerd

Or you are

but in the best possible way :]

 

**DANiel :] (8:13 PM)**

you say that now

you should see how many times id watched your videos xD

im telling you

im a creepy stalker xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (8:14 PM)**

My favourite creepy stalker then =P

<3

 

-

_If Dan wants to take it easy, so be it. They will._

_Or at least they will try._

-

 

**DANiel :] (8:14 PM)**

i knew youve had tons :[

ive got competition :[

and im like the biggest loser = i need to step up my gameee

what can i do to be your best stalker

not just favourite xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (8:15 PM)**

Well

It's a hard process

I'm not sure if you can manage it =/

 

**DANiel :] (8:15 PM)**

fuck

i probably cant xD

but tell me

!

 

**Phil ^_^ (8:15 PM)**

First of all

You need to be this really cool person living in Wokingham

Are you?

 

**DANiel :] (8:16 PM)**

i do live in wokingham but i am not really cool

so like 50/50 xD?

 

**Phil ^_^ (8:16 PM)**

Okay

Second. You need to have brown hair, brown eyes

 

**DANiel :] (8:16 PM)**

that i do

boring as fuck =/

 

**Phil ^_^ (8:17 PM)**

...

>_<

NO COMMENT =P

Thirdly

Your name needs to be Daniel James Howell :]

 

**DANiel :] (8:18 PM)**

omg

you used my full name xD

my mum uses that when shes pissed at me xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (8:18 PM)**

So that applies too! =P

And lastly

You need to be you and you need to talk to me =]

 

**DANiel :] (8:19 PM)**

that doesnt sound very hard

but i already failed at the 'really cool' bit =[

 

**Phil ^_^ (8:19 PM)**

No!

You passed

Soo you are now my favourite stalker. :]

 

**DANiel :] (8:19 PM)**

woohoo

 

-

_Phil wants to enjoy this the way he always does._

_He reads Dan's messages and he is smiling, but there is a strain in his cheeks, like he is forcing something that doesn't need to happen._

_Phil **overthinks** , that is one of his flaws. Thinks of things until they grow and grow in size and blow up right in his face._

_Last night is one of those things. Even more so, the night before._

-

 

**DANiel :] (8:20 PM)**

my parents were like

giving me tips on how to survive for 3 days on my own

im like

OKAYYY i know how to order pizza (online because calling is for losers)

i will be fine

byeeeeeeee~ xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (8:20 PM)**

~~Dan I have to ask you something~~

 

**DANiel :] (8:21 PM)**

then my dad said

CHILD. MY HARD EARNED MONEY ON TEH PIZZA. WHAT TEH FUCK.

okay not exactly

but something along the lines

so i said i have to eat something right

do u know what my mum said

 

**Phil ^_^ (8:22 PM)**

~~Dan =/ I'm sorry but~~

 

**DANiel :] (8:23 PM)**

phil?

did my story put you to sleep

xD

 

-

_Is this genuine?_

_Is Dan truly okay?_

_Is Phil the only one thinking about Friday night, and then Dan's behavior on Saturday?_

_-_

**Phil ^_^ (8:24 PM)**

I don't know what your mum said

What did she say? :P

 

**DANiel :] (8:24 PM)**

she said

that at my age i should start thinking about healthy food and blahblah

i said

mum. im 18. are you actually serious

she goes yeah

 

**Phil ^_^ (8:25 PM)**

~~Haha...~~

~~Dan I want to ask you something~~

 

**DANiel :] (8:27 PM)**

you keep writing something and deleting it

i can see it

are you telling me to stfu because its boring? =P

 

**Phil ^_^ (8:27 PM)**

~~No just pressing keys on accident~~

~~No haha go on, what else did~~

 

~~-~~

_Phil pauses, scrolls up to their conversations from the previous day, finds the messages Dan sent him before heading downstairs for dinner._

**_i didnt say i didnt mean it_ **

****

_Phil can only play a game for so long. Can only pretend for so long._

_Can only **wonder** for so long._

_He inhales sharply and starts typing the very thing he probably shouldn't be._

-

 

 

**Phil ^_^ (8:30 PM)**

Dan..

Did you really mean it when you said you wanted more?

 

_-_

_Some risks are worth taking._

_Some aren't._

_As Phil waits for a response, he almost trembles at the thought that this may have been one risk he should have left alone._


	10. I thought you didn't

**Phil ^_^ (8:30 PM)**

Dan..

Did you really mean it when you said you wanted more?

 

 

-

_Once Phil has sent the message, he wants desperately to take it back, but it's too late._

_It's out there. He's asked. All he can do is wait._

_He tabs out of the message window and stares at his desktop._

_The minimized chat window begins to flash, indicating that Dan has replied._

_Phil almost can't bring himself to tab back in and check the reply._

_-_

 

**DANiel :] (8:33 PM)**

>_<

phil

i know what ur doing

but you dont have to

we dont have to talk about this

 

**Phil ^_^ (8:34 PM)**

I won't force you if you don't want to Dan

 

**DANiel :] (8:34 PM)**

i thought you didnt want to

 

**Phil ^_^ (8:35 PM)**

I thought you didn't =/

 

**DANiel :] (8:35 PM)**

so you do?

 

**Phil ^_^ (8:35 PM)**

I don't want things to be tense between us

Something's been off the whole day today and yesterday

 

**DANiel :] (8:36 PM)**

and its my fault =/

 

**Phil ^_^ (8:36 PM)**

It's no one's fault

I just don't want to sweep things under the rug

~~I want to be sure we're okay~~

I want to know that you're okay =/

 

**DANiel :] (8:36 PM)**

but i made you uncomfortable and i feel guilty

and kinda stupid

 

**Phil ^_^ (8:37 PM)**

Why do you keep saying you've made me uncomfortable >_<

You didn't

You can't

 

**DANiel :] (8:37 PM)**

i did and i can =/

 

**Phil ^_^ (8:37 PM)**

No Dan

 

**DANiel :] (8:38 PM)**

youre just being nice

 

**Phil ^_^ (8:38 PM)**

I'm not

 

**DANiel :] (8:38 PM)**

i think you are

 

-

_Phil frowns, impatiently tapping his fingers on the keyboard without actually pressing any keys._

_It's not like him to pressure Dan, and yet, he's having to force himself to stop._

_Perhaps the solution to this -- this conflict, this misunderstanding, lies with him, not with Dan._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (8:41 PM)**

~~I wanted more~~

Dan

It didn't make me uncomfortable

I just didn't want you to regret anything in the morning

 

**DANiel :] (8:41 PM)**

the only thing i could regret when it comes to you

is if i manage to fuck things up and you dont talk to me anymore

 

**Phil ^_^ (8:42 PM)**

I could say the same to you :[

 

**DANiel :] (8:43 PM)**

no you couldnt

not in the same way

because ive literally been like

admiring you for so fucking long and ive told you so many times, its so weird that you talk to me and want to meet me and all that

but its like i never have enough and i keep pushing you and i feel bad about it later =/

 

**Phil ^_^ (8:44 PM)**

Dan, maybe you wanted to know me first, but that doesn't mean anything now

You're really important to me

I wish you'd believe me =[

 

**DANiel :] (8:46 PM)**

that doesnt mean i should be taking off my shirt on cam and actign ridiculous =/

 

**Phil ^_^ (8:47 PM)**

~~But I liked it~~

~~You looked amazing~~

You weren't acting ridiculous Dan

~~I didn't want you to stop~~

I didn't want you to stop

 

**DANiel :] (8:48 PM)**

but you pretty much made me stop

 

**Phil ^_^ (8:49 PM)**

I told you >_<

I didn't want you to regret anything

 

**DANiel :] (8:49 PM)**

do you regret anything? =/

 

**Phil ^_^ (8:50 PM)**

~~That you stopped~~

~~That I stopped you~~

Guess

 

**DANiel :] (8:51 PM)**

oh for fuck sake phil =P

this is no time for guessing

i already dont understand anything

i wish i could see you =/

 

-

_Phil can well and truly relate._

_How many things go missing somewhere in that void between one message and another?_

_How many things are left unsaid?_

_Phil knows what he wants, he does, but Dan remains a mystery._

_Even things that are spelled out right are easily misunderstood._

_Is it just the distance, or is it them?_

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (8:55 PM)**

I hate having to be so straightforward =/

 

**DANiel :] (8:55 PM)**

try

cause im fucking confused rn :[

 

**Phil ^_^ (8:56 PM)**

~~Me too~~

>_<

I regret not just going with it

but if I did

I'd regret it too

Because you may regret it

And then I would regret it because you would regret it

 

**DANiel :] (8:57 PM)**

wow..

now im even more confused

 

-

_Phil re-reads his own messages. Dan is right. They didn't make all that much sense._

_-_

**Phil ^_^ (8:57 PM)**

~~I meant that I was afraid you'd regret it either way~~

 

**DANiel :] (8:58 PM)**

but

does this mean you dont hate me then? =P

 

**Phil ^_^ (8:59 PM)**

No it doesn't

I completely despise you =P

 

**DANiel :] (9:00 PM)**

i knew it

 

-

_A sigh of relief escapes Phil's lips._

_They're not done yet, but they're on the right track._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (9:00 PM)**

I meant that if you would regret it then I would regret it too

 

**DANiel :] (9:01 PM)**

i wouldnt though

 

**Phil ^_^ (9:01 PM)**

Really?

 

**DANiel :] (9:01 PM)**

only if you did

 

**Phil ^_^ (9:02 PM)**

So the same as me then =P

 

**DANiel :] (9:02 PM)**

yes but in a less confusing way xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (9:02 PM)**

xD :]

Dan..

 

**DANiel :] (9:02 PM)**

?

 

**Phil ^_^ (9:04 PM)**

You never need to hold back with me

honest

~~I'm so in love w~~

I like you so much

And that includes everything about you

Anddd

I think my brain short circuited when I saw you that night :[ :P

So you have to forgive me if I acted weird =/

(You don't have to but it'll make me happy :])

 

**DANiel :] (9:06 PM)**

fuck sake phil

 

**Phil ^_^ (9:06 PM)**

?? :[

 

**DANiel :] (9:08 PM)**

so its not that you didnt want to

you know

?

 

**Phil ^_^ (9:09 PM)**

~~Absolutely not~~

No

 

**DANiel :] (9:09 PM)**

so you dont hate me

 

-

_It's a statement, but Phil still responds._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (9:09 PM)**

I couldn't hate you if I tried

You're perfect for me

And not just for me, you're perfect, period. :]

 

**DANiel :] (9:09 PM)**

i completely do not deserve knowing you :]

thank you phil

i feel a bit less terrible now.

 

**Phil ^_^ (9:10 PM)**

You shouldn't feel terrible at all :[

 

**DANiel :] (9:10 PM)**

i should

else i will go do something stupid again xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (9:10 PM)**

I liked your something stupid though

 

**DANiel :] (9:13 PM)**

did you really

 

**Phil ^_^ (9:13 PM)**

Didn't you read what I said =/ other than the thing with you thinking about it when you're sober

 

**DANiel :] (9:13 PM)**

i did

several times

 

**Phil ^_^ (9:14 PM)**

Then you know :]

 

**DANiel :] (9:14 PM)**

:]

phil

 

**Phil ^_^ (9:14 PM)**

Yeah?

 

**DANiel :] (9:15 PM)**

thank you

i was literally feeling like shit since saturday morning

im always scared of fucking things up with you

 

**Phil ^_^ (9:17 PM)**

Don't be

Please :]

I want you to be yourself

 

**DANiel :] (9:17 PM)**

i dont even know what that is tbh

i want to be someone that you will like

 

**Phil ^_^ (9:18 PM)**

Then just be you

Be Dan, because I love everything about you

 

**DANiel :] (9:19 PM)**

:]

ok stop

or i will cry

again xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (9:19 PM)**

No plz :[

 

**DANiel :] (9:19 PM)**

<3

look

what time are you going to bed today

 

**Phil ^_^ (9:19 PM)**

Not anytime soon :P

Taking advantage of my parents being out :]

 

**DANiel :] (9:20 PM)**

so if i go fix something to eat youll be here when i come back?

 

**Phil ^_^ (9:20 PM)**

Weren't you just ordering pizza? :P

 

**DANiel :] (9:21 PM)**

naah

i was just messing with my dad

im gonna heat up some microwave dinner xD

 

-

_Phil smiles one of the first real smiles since Friday night._

_When Dan gets here, they really should go out to eat something proper._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (9:21 PM)**

Look at you being all frugal =P :]

 

**DANiel :] (9:21 PM)**

maybe pizza tomorrow

cant be too impressive you know xD

so youll be here?

 

**Phil ^_^ (9:22 PM)**

I'll be here :]

 

**DANiel :] (9:22 PM)**

:] thank you phil <3

brb

 

**Phil ^_^ (9:22 PM)**

<3

 

-

_Phil uses the time to jump in the shower, in a rush to return before Dan does._

_Have they resolved everything? And what does it all mean?_

_Phil is kind of used to playing second fiddle in his own life, but is it the right approach when it comes to Dan?_

_It probably is. They haven't even met._

_Perhaps that is the one and only solution. Perhaps only through meeting they can fully understand each other._

_Or maybe Dan will always be a bit of a mystery. That almost seems more likely._

_Phil's shower lasts way longer than he originally intended._

-

 

**DANiel :] (10:09 PM)**

i has returned xD

i managed to burn my microwave dinner

or well

its not literally burnt

but it tastes like shit

 

**DANiel :] (10:19 PM)**

phil?

you didnt fall asleep did you :[

i was looking forward to talking

without all that

idk

tension i guess

 

**DANiel :] (10:21 PM)**

philiiiiiiiipppppppPPPPPPPPPPPPpppppppPe

philippette

philippa

pippa

wooOOooOoo

eoeoeoeo

emergency

phil is gone

where is he

LETS FIND OUT

phil..........>>>>>>>>

phiiiiiiiilllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllipppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp

 

-

_Phil comes back, one towel around his hips, the other one on his shoulders, and finds Dan still typing._

-

 

**DANiel :] (10:21 PM)**

PhiLiPpP

Phil Lester

what if your name was not phil but like

patrick

or MO

omg that'd be perfect

u need a name change

oo

youre typing

youre back? <3

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:22 PM)**

wow Dan

I don't know what to say xD

No I won't change my name to Mo

It's a nice name though

but no

I see what you did there and no xD

 

**DANiel :] (10:23 PM)**

where have you been you royal turnip

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:24 PM)**

In the shower

Is a royal turnip better than a normal turnip?

 

**DANiel :] (10:24 PM)**

=o

 

**DANiel :] (10:24 PM)**

um

yes

its like the prince william of turnips

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:25 PM)**

So I'm a balding ginger rich man?

 

**DANiel :] (10:26 PM)**

ok first of

he is not ginger

and you are kind of ginger

from what ive seen xD

second

i hope you are not balding

your hair is amazing :]

third

if youre so rich then come here now plz

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:26 PM)**

Plz

:]

 

**DANiel :] (10:27 PM)**

:]

so is everything ok between us?

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:29 PM)**

~~You tell me~~

For me it was all along

And you?

 

**DANiel :] (10:31 PM)**

yeah :]

no awkwardness? =/

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:31 PM)**

Not unless you keep calling me weird things

 

**DANiel :] (10:31 PM)**

:]]

is that a challenge

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:32 PM)**

Maybe

You have 7 seconds to call me something weird, go xD

 

**DANiel :] (10:32 PM)**

you damp flip flop

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:32 PM)**

...

Ewww

 

**DANiel :] (10:32 PM)**

what do i win? :]

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:33 PM)**

A kick in the face when I see you? xD

 

**DANiel :] (10:34 PM)**

:[

cheats

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:34 PM)**

Noo :]

 

**DANiel :] (10:34 PM)**

you have 7 seconds to call me something nice

go

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:34 PM)**

Definition of perfect

:]

 

**DANiel :] (10:35 PM)**

i should have added 'without lying' xD

youd have said like

'usually does not make babies cry with his ugly face'

xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:36 PM)**

I would have said incredibly ~~attractive~~ good looking, wonderful, one of a kind, smart, with a great sense of humour

Seriously Dan, it takes a unique person to call me a damp flip flop xD =P

 

**DANiel :] (10:37 PM)**

incredibly good looking oh my lord

have you seen yourself phil =P

do you have a mirror in the bathroom

why didnt you stand there admiring yourself for 10 years

because you should. :]

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:38 PM)**

If I did then I would look considerably worse when I'm done than I do now

I'll be an old man in 10 years :[

You'll still be young

 

**DANiel :] (10:38 PM)**

yes phil because 32 is so old

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:38 PM)**

~~Not too old for you? =P~~

Would you date someone who is 32? =P

 

**DANiel :] (10:39 PM)**

no but i wouldnt date someone who is 18 either

ive only got interest in one person right now :]

 

-

_This conversation, this evening, this weekend is a rollercoaster that Phil is stuck on with no way out._

_He minds it far less than he should._

_Just an hour ago, everything was difficult, but now it's almost as if they're truly back to normal._

_All that remains, is curiosity, a lot of what-if's and a pinch of could-have-been's._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:42 PM)**

So I've got no chance then :[

Not only am I too old, you only want one person :[

 

**DANiel :] (10:42 PM)**

so old

should i buy you a cane for your birthday xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:42 PM)**

:[

You were supposed to say I'm not old!! Ffs Dan =P

 

**DANiel :] (10:44 PM)**

phil, you should know by now

i will never say what im supposed to say

or what you expect me to say

but

i will say this

you are the first thought in my mind when i get up

and the last thought when i go to bed

and you make me happy

which is

well

not as easy as you might think

so phil.

you know what i think :]

 

-

_Phil's heartbeat quickens as his gaze softens. The way he stares at the screen is almost affectionate.It's a physical sensation, all this, the feeling of wanting to be with someone and knowing that you can't, not yet._

_Words fail him so very often. How ironic that it is through them that he and Dan build their relationship._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:46 PM)**

I think I know at least :]

And when we meet, I hope I will know

And Dan, it's the same way for me. =]

I ~~love~~ adore you

However lame that may sound xD

But I do

 

**DANiel :] (10:47 PM)**

it doesnt sound lame

:] <3

it sounds very pride and prejudicesque

which i mean

it fits

were you a friend of jane austen's? xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:48 PM)**

xD

Actually shut up =P

 

**DANiel :] (10:48 PM)**

were you her mr darcy

should i be jealous =o

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:49 PM)**

What if I was

would you be jealous? =P

 

**DANiel :] (10:49 PM)**

yes

really xD

im a rather jealous person

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:50 PM)**

I'll be sure to hit up Jane and make you jealous then

You can't have it too easy =P

 

**DANiel :] (10:50 PM)**

does that mean you want me to fight for you phil xD

becausee i will

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:50 PM)**

Yes

Fight to the death!

 

**DANiel :] (10:51 PM)**

i see how it is

u want me to die :[

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:52 PM)**

Nooooo

 

**DANiel :] (10:52 PM)**

its ok

i will die like a hero

for princess philippa

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:53 PM)**

............

........

......

...

 

**DANiel :] (10:54 PM)**

.

..

...

....

.....

......

.......

........

.......

.....

....

...

..

.

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:55 PM)**

I love how we always discuss such important things =] :P

 

**DANiel :] (10:56 PM)**

totally

we should become the prime minister

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:56 PM)**

Both of us at once

 

**DANiel :] (10:57 PM)**

yes

ill be the brains

youll be the good looks

we gonna rule this town bitch

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:57 PM)**

I'm flattered that you think I'd be the good looking one of us two

But you're delusional Dan xD

You'd be the good looks + brains and I'd be your useless sidekick =]

I'm getting cold

~~Sitting in a towel~~

I'm still sitting in a towel

Brb :] <3

 

**DANiel :] (10:59 PM)**

:]

were you sat in a towel all this time

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:05 PM)**

yes I was =P

I always do after a shower

 

**DANiel :] (11:07 PM)**

where'd you get your towel phil

im very interested in that

=P

 

-

_Phil's cheeks heat up, mind swimming with the memories of Friday night._

_He's got several ideas of how to respond, but not one of them seems like the right way to go._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:09 PM)**

~~In the same way I wanted to know where you got your shirt? =P~~

~~Why are you interested then? =P~~

~~I could show you and you could~~

If you're as interested as I was in your shirt then you're not very interested =P

 

**DANiel :] (11:11 PM)**

really :]

i thought you were super interested

maybe i should show you that shirt again sometime

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:12 PM)**

Maybe you definitely should

 

**DANiel :] (11:13 PM)**

=]]

 

-

_They keep on talking until three in the morning, at which point they're both too exhausted to stay up. They head to bed, each in their own corner of the world, and Phil isn't sure what's different, but **something** definitely is._

_Before he falls asleep, he spends a little time looking at Dan's dailybooth, just staring at his photos, as one does. Kind of._

_He doesn't expect to see anything new, but there it is, a new post from just moments ago, a photo of Dan shirtless, with his hair slightly mussed and his expression somewhat unreadable._

_There's a caption on it too._

_It reads:_

_thought id let you all see what you’d be waking up next to :]_

_Phil saves the photo, remembers Friday night._

_Perhaps he should ask Dan for a video call tomorrow._

_-_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for the positive feedback on this fic. It's 4 AM and I was meant to go to bed 4 hours ago :P I hope it was worth it, but I'm sorry if this chapter is kinda meh...  
> Please let me know if you like this, it keeps me going :) Also, this might be your last chance to tell me you want them to stay where they are and not get more 'flirty' than they have been so far.


	11. You have no idea

_Three days later_

_The past days have been filled with Dan. Video calls, skype calls, texts, the occasional tweet or dailybooth comment._

_It's been pretty bloody fantastic, and yet, Phil still wants more._

_Phil has been waiting for Dan to come online for the past four hours. He woke up earlier than he had to, plagued by a strange feeling of urgency that just can't seem to go away, woke up from a dream that left him feverish and --_

_And._

_In the back of his mind, he knows that he is simply missing Dan, but he refuses to acknowledge it until Dan himself appears._

_Dan does show up, at long last, while Phil is editing a new video. He immediately closes the editor._

_Everything else can wait. Dan is here._

_-_

**2:10 PM: DANiel :] has come online.**

**Phil ^_^ (2:10 PM)**

DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN

Hi Dan!!! :]]

 

**DANiel :] (2:11 PM)**

PHILLLLLLLLL

hiiiiii xD <3

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:11 PM)**

Did you just wake up? =P

 

**DANiel :] (2:11 PM)**

maaaaaaybeeeeee

ok

yes i did

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:12 PM)**

Wow Dan

I'm a bad influence on you

 

**DANiel :] (2:12 PM)**

so bad

the WORST

literally

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:12 PM)**

I feel so appreciated!!

 

**DANiel :] (2:12 PM)**

so you should :]

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:13 PM)**

=[

 

**DANiel :] (2:13 PM)**

<3

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:13 PM)**

=]

 

**DANiel :] (2:13 PM)**

already happy

are you always that easy to please? =p

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:13 PM)**

That depends

 

**DANiel :] (2:14 PM)**

on? =o

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:14 PM)**

On a lot of things!

 

**DANiel :] (2:14 PM)**

such aaaas?

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:14 PM)**

Such aaas

Um

The person doing the pleasing, the context, the everything xD

 

**DANiel :] (2:15 PM)**

the everything

wow phil

could u be any less specific xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:16 PM)**

Less specific I'm sure I could xD

 

**DANiel :] (2:16 PM)**

so cryptic

how am i supposed to please you if you dont tell me how :[

 

-

_Phil is stupid to read into this, to search for hidden meanings. He's also far too seasoned an internet user not to see innuendos everywhere._

_He shouldn't. He can't help himself._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:17 PM)**

Trial and error? =p

 

**DANiel :] (2:17 PM)**

what if i dont want any errors :[

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:18 PM)**

You couldn't make any if you tried :]

 

**DANiel :] (2:19 PM)**

i dont know

im hardly an experienced phil-pleaser xD

and you said it depends on the person

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:20 PM)**

~~Do you want to become an experienced p~~

You're as experienced as it gets xD

 

**DANiel :] (2:21 PM)**

really

but im not experienced at all

thats bullshit xD

i want to be more experienced

i want it to be my job

to please you

:]

are you hiring by any chance xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:21 PM)**

~~That depends on the kind of pleasing you're talking about~~

Yes

But I don't have any money :[

 

**DANiel :] (2:21 PM)**

are you gonna be loike one of those you know

um

in porn where they order a pizza and then the delivery guy comes and theyre like 'i dont have any money can i pay you in some other way please' *opens dressing gown dramatically* xD

 

-

_Phil almost gasps and then starts laughing, both out of mirth and embarrassment._

_He's seen those, of course. Not his favourite kind, but whatever._

_What threw him is the way Dan mentioned it, when they've never discussed that sort of thing before._

_Are they on the same page, or is it just banter?_

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:22 PM)**

~~Wow Dan~~

~~I don't know, are you a delivery man?~~

~~Totally xD~~

I would be but I'm not sure if it would work on you xD

 

-

_He stares at the screen, a silly smile plastered on his face, heat pooling somewhere in his chest, spreading across his body._

-

 

**DANiel :] (2:22 PM)**

it might

if you share the pizza =p

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:22 PM)**

A pizza is all it takes? =P

 

**DANiel :] (2:23 PM)**

for you

yes. xD

 

-

_There is almost no way to misinterpret that, but Phil still shivers at the mere possibility._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:24 PM)**

That's way too cheap Dan

You need to value yourself! =P

 

**DANiel :] (2:24 PM)**

youre just scared of my super delivery service

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:24 PM)**

Should I be? =P

 

**DANiel :] (2:25 PM)**

.

maybe =p

what are we even talking about anymore

im so sorry xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:26 PM)**

~~Don't be, I like it~~

Feels quite normal for us to be honest

When have we ever had a normal conversation? :P :]

 

**DANiel :] (2:27 PM)**

maybe the first time we spoke

when i was scared as fuck and you were cool as fuck

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:27 PM)**

I was so not cool

What did we even talk about?

 

**DANiel :] (2:28 PM)**

muse. :]

and your channel

and some other british youtubers

anddddddd

some more muse

and your uni

and then you said you had to go and i cried. xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:29 PM)**

:]

I remember

Not the crying part =P

But I was really interested in getting to know you!

You were my favourite person on twitter xD

 

**DANiel :] (2:29 PM)**

:]

i think i lost 10 years off my life whenever i said something and waited for you to reply xD

i kept thiknking like

is this the moment he realises he hates me

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:30 PM)**

That moment is never happening

~~And I still have that 10 years off my life thing =P~~

Don't get your hopes up

 

**DANiel :] (2:31 PM)**

mhmmm :[

but

i was seriously the nervousest person ever

is that a word xD

who would have thought that a few months later we'd be talking about 'special' delivery men xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:32 PM)**

I never would have thought I'd meet someone like you on the internet

or anywhere really. :]

Much less that I'd imagine them in a special delivery man film =P

 

**DANiel :] (2:32 PM)**

so youre imagining me in that? =o

how far along into the film did you get

 

-

_Phil swallows down the lump that seems to have taken temporary residence in his throat._

_There are only so many ways one can reply to that, and only one of those ways is the exact way Phil **wants**._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:35 PM)**

~~On the pizza bit~~

-

_No, that's not what he wants._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:36 PM)**

On the bit where you decide whether I can pay you in any other way xD

 

**DANiel :] (2:36 PM)**

im sure we could come to an agreement

i am nothing if not a compliant delivery man

xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:36 PM)**

I didn't know you were a delivery man at all xD =P

 

**DANiel :] (2:36 PM)**

stop ruining the scenario

though to be fair

there are many better ones. xD

also

fuck sake

we're so weird xD :]

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:37 PM)**

A bit

 

**DANiel :] (2:38 PM)**

im so lucky to have met you

i cant think of any other person who would want to put up with my weirdness =p

 

-

_The turn of conversation is not what he had expected, but he doesn't object._

_Anything is good when Dan is involved._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:38 PM)**

I could say the same to you :]

 

**DANiel :] (2:39 PM)**

you could

but will you.

that is the question.

to be or not to beeeeee

bee movie

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:40 PM)**

Dan.. how do we go from um.. adult films to the bee movie

In like ten minutes? :P

 

**DANiel :] (2:40 PM)**

im sure you could find a combination of both on the internet somewhere

do u want me to go look xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:41 PM)**

Yes

As long as you dont share the results =p

 

**DANiel :] (2:41 PM)**

i see how it is

im taking one for the team

ok then. hold on xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:42 PM)**

Tell me you're not actually looking for it

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:45 PM)**

Dan?

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:47 PM)**

You ARE looking aren't you

 

**DANiel :] (2:51 PM)**

  1. philip michael lester



take my advice

and never google

bee movie yaoi.

or bee movie porn

or bee movie anything

just dont google anything ever again

i probably wont xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:51 PM)**

Wow Dan

What would I do without you? I'd be googling all of that all day long xD

 

**DANiel :] (2:52 PM)**

without me?

youd never think of any of this in the first place xD

youre so sweet and innocent :]

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:52 PM)**

~~No I'm not~~

~~Is that a bad thing~~

Is that what you think? =P

 

**DANiel :] (2:53 PM)**

based on what i know

yes. xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:54 PM)**

You might be surprised

 

**DANiel :] (2:54 PM)**

i hope so :]

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:55 PM)**

So it's bad if I'm innocent? =[

 

**DANiel :] (2:56 PM)**

no

but i think you arent always =P

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:57 PM)**

Maybe you're right

 

**DANiel :] (2:57 PM)**

maybe i am.

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:58 PM)**

:]

 

**DANiel :] (2:58 PM)**

what else am i right about phil

tell me somedthing about yourself

that i dont know yet :]

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:59 PM)**

That doesnt add up

You can't be right about it if you don't know it yet =p

 

**DANiel :] (3:01 PM)**

but maybe i suspect and youll confirm it for me!

 

**Phil ^_^ (3:01 PM)**

Hmm

 

-

_Phil searches his brain, trying to find something interesting to say._

_He can't handle being put on the spot, though. He finds there is nothing of interest that he could tell Dan to keep the conversation going in this same direction._

_Finally, he says something completely unrelated._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (3:03 PM)**

I dreamt about you last night :]

 

**DANiel :] (3:03 PM)**

what

are you serious

 

**Phil ^_^ (3:04 PM)**

Yes

Is that ok? =/ I mean I can't really help it but I can try xD

 

**DANiel :] (3:05 PM)**

no

its so not ok

xD

youre such a spork

its only ok if you tell me IMMEDIATELY about that dream xD

the whole thing!!!!11111

plzzzzzzzzzz phil

:]

 

-

_Perhaps it wasn't so unrelated at all. Suddenly, Phil doesn't want to say too much._

-

 

 

**Phil ^_^ (3:06 PM)**

Um well

I dreamt you were here

And we hung out :]

 

**DANiel :] (3:06 PM)**

do i have to come there and slap you

i want DETAILS xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (3:07 PM)**

yes plz

=P

Umm

~~It was night and we were~~

~~It was just one of those drea~~

We talked a bit and we sat on my bed and so on

And you said you had to go feed your monkey so you couldn't stay long and I was just like, okay, that makes sense. xD

 

-

_That really did happen in the dream, of course. Phil's dreams are always quite strange._

_There was more to it, though._

-

 

**DANiel :] (3:08 PM)**

what the fuck. xD

is that it then

did i sit with you and then go home to feed my pet monkey

that is the worst dream evurr.

 

**Phil ^_^ (3:09 PM)**

~~Well that's not all~~

~~That's not the end yet~~

I know =/ =P

But you were in it so I was quite happy :]

 

**DANiel :] (3:10 PM)**

:]

why are you so sweet

 

_-_

_Phil wants to tell Dan, but he's not sure how to even start._

_It's quite difficult to explain how one moment in his dream they were just sat on the bed, and the next --_

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (3:12 PM)**

~~There's more to the dream though =P~~

Why are you even sweeter =]?

 

**DANiel :] (3:12 PM)**

im about as sweet as a lemon phil

get real xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (3:13 PM)**

Everything about you tells me otherwise

Your personality, your looks :] your voice =]

 

-

_Phil's phone rings and he reluctantly picks up, seeing that it's his brother._

_He's completely forgotten that they had an agreement to go out and grab some lunch together. There's a discount day in one of their local fast food chains._

_He wants to cancel, but maybe a step back from this conversation will do him good._

-

 

**DANiel :] (3:14 PM)**

mhmmm

you only say so because youre sweet =]

 

**Phil ^_^ (3:14 PM)**

No you =]

 

**DANiel :] (3:14 PM)**

you.

 

**Phil ^_^ (3:14 PM)**

You Dan. You :]

 

**DANiel :] (3:14 PM)**

<3 you fullest stop that ever stopped. i win

 

**Phil ^_^ (3:15 PM)**

Say what you will

I know better xD

Daaan

My brother's just called :[

I forgot I promised we'd go grab some food today

 

**DANiel :] (3:15 PM)**

please tell me its not pizza

 

**Phil ^_^ (3:16 PM)**

xD

Not pizza =P

But I have to shower and go get there :[

 

**DANiel :] (3:17 PM)**

booooooooooooooo

if you dont text me at least 3 times

i will cry

and

never speak to you again xD

ok not really

i will always bother you xD

but plz

text? yes? :]

 

**Phil ^_^ (3:19 PM)**

Of course :]

 

-

_Before he can ask himself why exactly, he asks Dan a question._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (3:20 PM)**

Can I see you on cam when I get back? :]

We don't have to if you don't feel like it

 

**DANiel :] (3:21 PM)**

only if i can see you too =]

 

**Phil ^_^ (3:22 PM)**

Deal

<3

See you later delivery man =P

 

**DANiel :] (3:22 PM)**

xDD

i miss you already. <3

 

**Phil ^_^ (3:22 PM)**

I miss you more <3 :]

 

-

_Phil signs off quite unwillingly, already looking forward to tonight._

_He and his brother meet up, eat and then Phil heads home, having heard enough about how distracted he seems to be during the entire evening. Of course he's distracted, he's spent the whole time texting Dan._

_Upon getting home, he ends up watching the telly with his parents for what feels like an eternity, but he is kept there until the programme ends, because **you never spend time with us Phil, go on then, sit down**._

_By the time he turns his computer back on, it's past ten and his parents have already gone to sleep._

_-_

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (10:47 PM)**

THERE YOU AREEEEEEEEE

WTF PHIL

you were supposed to grab some lunch

not go on a roadtrip around the globe xD

IM SAD NOW

PHILLLLLLLLL TALK TO ME

 

-

_It's almost funny how the urgency, the unease that he feels when he's not talking to Dan, disappears almost entirely the second they start talking again._

_The problem is, it's replaced by another feeling, a longing unlike any he'd ever experienced before. There doesn't seem to be any way around it, that's just the way it is with Dan._

_Phil sits back in his chair, smiles at the screen, exhales._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:48 PM)**

Daaaannnn

I didn't abandon you!!

Blame my family

Apparently they want to see me sometimes =[

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (10:48 PM)**

pfffff

i cant blame them for that

i want to see you too :]

ive been checking tickets

theyre up to 80 quid now =/

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:48 PM)**

That's crazy expensive :[

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (10:49 PM)**

i might just have to walk

but

hey

did you have fun? :]

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:49 PM)**

Not really

~~I was thinking about you the whole time~~

~~I couldn't wait to get home and talk to you~~

I missed you

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (10:49 PM)**

you did?

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:50 PM)**

of course

You didn't? =[

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (10:51 PM)**

you know that i did phil

you know it =[

<3

have you met any delivery men while out on the town xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:51 PM)**

Yes Dan

I brought them all back here

We're having a pizza party xD

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (10:51 PM)**

why am i not invited to this wild party/orgy of yours :[

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:53 PM)**

~~Because I don't want to share you~~

Because I don't want you around sexy delivery men :] =P

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (10:53 PM)**

as if anyone could ever be better than you

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:54 PM)**

At least one person is

You =]

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (10:54 PM)**

not to me

but why dont you want me around *sexy* delivery men

is there something you want to tell me phil

are you cheating on me =[ if you know theyre all so hot =P

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:54 PM)**

Come see for yourself =P

But no I'm not

I'm waiting for you patiently :] =P

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (10:54 PM)**

i better get those tickets fast or someones gonna snatch you :[

 

-

_Phil remembers Dan telling him that he is a jealous person._

_He doesn't want Dan to end up feeling bad._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:56 PM)**

No one ever could

~~I only want you~~

I only want you

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (10:57 PM)**

ughhhh

phil

i just =/

when you say stuff like that

i just want you to be here

it feels like words are never enough

i want you here so i can idk

proper kiss you

or let you kiss me :]

so that i can

you know

i dont know what im talking about

but yeah

when you are like this

i have a mild breakdown

but in a good way xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:58 PM)**

A mild breakdown in a good way.. that doesn't add up =/ xD

But Dan..

~~If you were here, I would~~

You have no idea :[

 

-

_Phil sighs heavily. The distance is feeding on his very soul and he can't wait to be rid of it._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (10:58 PM)**

Can I see you?

 

 

** abandoned DANIEL :[ has initiated a video call. **

**Accept                   Decline**

 

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (10:59 PM)**

i thought youd never ask :]

 

** Phil ^_^ joins the call. **

Connecting...

 

** Video call with abandoned DANIEL :[. **

****

-

_Through the usual dark mess of pixels, he immediately makes out Dan's features._

_Dan's room is just as dark as Phil's is, but the camera slowly adjusts and Phil can see Dan properly. His hair is not as straight as it often is on pictures, he's wearing a button up, and he looks **absolutely gorgeous**. _

_Dan smiles at him in a way that is almost subdued and a little shy._

_Phil's dream from last night hits him in full force, reminding him that he really wants to see more, so much more of Dan than what he is seeing right now._

-

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (11:02 PM)**

ffs phil

why are you so good looking

its not fair =P

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:03 PM)**

~~You're bloody gorgeous Dan~~

Look who's talking =P

 

-

_Dan's smile widens. He shakes his head slightly._

-

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (11:04 PM)**

it should be illegal

to be as amazing as you are

your youtube channel name is very correct xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:05 PM)**

Is it xD Then yours should be SuperAmazingDan :]

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (11:05 PM)**

superduperultrafailuredan you mean xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:06 PM)**

That was hard to read xD but no

From now on every time you say something bad about yourself I will cover the camera

Like so xD

 

-

_Phil grabs a little piece of paper off his desk, shapes it in the right way and places it above his webcam, covering it._

_Dan's expression is now that of utter indignation, and Phil stares at it in amusement and awe._

-

 

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (11:08 PM)**

WHATTTTTTTTtttttttttt theeeeee heck

:[

see how i said heck to not offend you

i deserve to get you back just for that xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:08 PM)**

Not enough! =P

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (11:07 PM)**

omg

what is enough

what must i dooo

cmon phil

dont make me put one of your videos on to substitute xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:09 PM)**

Noo don't do that xD

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (11:09 PM)**

so give me my phil back :]

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:10 PM)**

~~Make me~~

Hmmm

Make me

:]

 

-

_With the camera hidden, Phil finds himself a little more daring. He observes the way Dan's eyes widen and is surprised to see a smirk appear on the boy's face._

-

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (11:10 PM)**

tell me how

plz. :[

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:10 PM)**

You tell meeee

=P

 

-

_There is a moment of pause, where neither of them says anything in the chat. Phil uses the moment to simply admire Dan, tracking each movement of his lips, his dimples, his eyes._

-

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (11:13 PM)**

do you know what shirt it is that im wearing today phil =P

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:13 PM)**

No

A nice one? =]

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (11:15 PM)**

its the one you were so curious about a few days back. xD

 

-

_Phil is suddenly glad for his camera being covered right now, because all the blood in his body suddenly seems to rush straight to his cheeks._

_Dan bites on his lip and glances briefly straight into the camera, then looks away shyly._

-

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (11:18 PM)**

are you still curious about it

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:18 PM)**

~~You never told me where you got it from~~

~~Maybe~~

~~Yes~~

 

-

_Phil closes his eyes as he types the final attempt at a response._

_He only opens them once the message is sent, if only to see Dan's reaction._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:20 PM)**

I'm more curious about you

So not the shirt itself

-

_Dan seems to giggle slightly, not looking into the camera at all, running his fingers through his hair in what Phil deems to be a nervous gesture._

_Perhaps he's pushed things too far._

_Perhaps he shouldn't have gone in this direction._

_Perhaps --_

_And then, Dan is unbuttoning his shirt, much the way he did on Friday night._

_And Dan isn't drunk, and neither is Phil._

_And --_

_Phil uncovers his camera, if only so that Dan can stare at him while he is staring right back._

_Dan is -- Dan is perfect, everything Phil has always liked, all locked in a single person, a single body and soul. His skin is rather pale, his chest seems hairless, and he stares at Phil with equal parts nervousness and --_

_Could it be curiosity?_

-

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (11:26 PM)**

is that better then

 

-

_Phil merely nods. Dan sees._

-

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (11:27 PM)**

:]

you know phil

i always feel like

im not good enough

for you or anyone

but you never make me feel that way

and for that i

 

-

_Phil's breath is caught in his throat. Dan stops typing._

_He never resumes that sentence, but they're looking at each other, and Phil --_

_Phil has never felt more lonely than he does in this very moment._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:28 PM)**

You're perfect Dan

I always mean it

I just wish you were here >_<

 

-

_Dan appears to contemplate Phil for a moment, staring at the screen, the blue light of his laptop bouncing off his eyes._

_His lips part ever so briefly and the only thing Phil can think of, is how it would feel to kiss them right now._

_A shade of recognition runs through Dan's face, but it is quickly replaced by something that Phil cannot name._

_Dan bites hard on his lip, closes his eyes for a few seconds, and then looks directly into the camera, as if staring right at Phil._

-

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (11:31 PM)**

phil

and if i were there

what would you do?

 

**-**

_Phil can't hold back the little gasp that escapes his lips, not even with Dan seeing it._

_He doesn't know what to say._

_And he's only got seconds left to respond._

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You hate me, right? I hate me too. Let's open a club.  
> No, but really, thanks so much for your feedback on this fic. Things have been a little stressful for me, and reading your comments makes me feel so much better :) Please let me know if you liked this one. I'm going to bed to get my 3 hours of sleep.
> 
> (sorry for not answering all comments on the previous chapter, I promise I will do it tomorrow!) <3


	12. im yours

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note the upgrade in rating.

 

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (11:31 PM)**

phil

and if i were there

what would you do?

 

_-_

_Phil stares at the screen, reading and re-reading the question._

_Of course, he could say something inconsequential, pretend he doesn't understand. But the thing is, he does. He too knows how to interpret these little hidden meanings, and he has a pretty good idea of where things are -- no, where they could be \-- headed._

_His eyes rest on Dan, who is very obviously looking right back. His eyes are wide and his posture is a little unsure, shoulders hunched, lips drawn tight. And yet, he doesn't reach for his shirt, remaining topless._

_Phil could say what he wants, or he could say what he should._

_He's pretty much always gone for the second option so far._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:34 PM)**

What do you think?

 

_-_

_Right then, he feels like a coward._

-

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (11:34 PM)**

what do i think

i  dont know

i know what i want to think

and i know what i should think =P

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:35 PM)**

What's more important, want or should?

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (11:35 PM)**

you know what i would say =p

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:35 PM)**

~~No I~~

I think I do =P

 

-

_Dan shifts. Previously he was sat on the bed, now he lies down on his stomach, bringing his face closer to the camera. His collar bones are wonderfully exposed._

_Phil draws a sharp breath and releases it in a quick huff._

-

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (11:36 PM)**

so you wont tell me then

what you would do :[

or maybe youd do nothing

or maybe youd tell me to fuck off xD

 

-

_Phil bursts into nervous laughter. Dan observes him carefully and smiles as he watches him laugh._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:37 PM)**

Yes Dan

That sounds so plausible =p

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (11:37 PM)**

ikr :[

 

-

_They won't get anywhere like this, Phil thinks. And there's nothing wrong with that either._

_But it's what they both want._

_Or Phil could be reading into it wrong. He could be wrong. So wrong._

_But could he be right?_

_Looking at Dan, his big brown eyes, his pale skin, his little smile, Phil makes up his mind and builds up what courage he can manage to muster._

_He ought to at least give it a shot._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:39 PM)**

If you were here..

~~I would~~

~~I would~~

~~I'd~~

~~I~~

 

-

_Phil pauses, looks at Dan, finds him staring at the screen intently, biting his lip._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:40 PM)**

I would lie next to you in bed

Wrap my arms around you

If you let me I mean

 

-

_Through the corner of his eye, he sees Dan freeze for a moment and then look down as he types out a response._

-

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (11:41 PM)**

of course id let you

id let you do anything

=x

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:41 PM)**

~~Are you~~

You would? =x

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (11:41 PM)**

yeah

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (11:42 PM)**

come on phil

you know that

but is just

like i said many times

i dont wanna make things awkward or be creepy or

 

-

_Phil looks at Dan as he is typing, occasionally pausing as if to gather his thoughts._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:43 PM)**

Dan

You can't

You won't =]

I promise

 

-

_They both look at each other on the screen. How Phil wishes he could just have Dan right there, in front of him, instead of seeing his shirtless form as nothing more than an enticing image on a screen, a could-be, a wish-it-would-be._

_Dan looks gorgeous, breathtaking even despite the terrible quality of his laptop camera, and if he were there, Phil would..._

_Phil would want things to go their own way._

_But now? Is it okay?_

_Should some things be kept, made special because they were never mentioned prior to their meeting, whenever that happens?_

_There is already one thing Phil hasn't been saying, the three words he feels are true._

_But this?_

-

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (11:44 PM)**

i wish you really would hold me :[

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:44 PM)**

I will when I can =]

I can't wait

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (11:44 PM)**

i want you to just

hold me and never let go

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:45 PM)**

I wouldn't know how to let go of you Dan

Once I get you I'm keeping you =P

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (11:46 PM)**

are you now xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:47 PM)**

~~Maybe~~

Yes =P

 

-

_Dan's nervous expression lightens a little underneath his smile._

-

 

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (11:47 PM)**

good

keep me

im yours :]

 

-

_Two words, two words, two words._

_Meaningless. But not really._

_No, not really._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:48 PM)**

Daaaaan >_<

Then come here and let me hold you plz :]?

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (11:48 PM)**

i willllllll

 

-

_Dan rubs the back of his neck, somewhat absently, exposing his collar bones even further._

_Phil gulps, unsure of what to say._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:50 PM)**

You are so distracting Dan =P

 

-

_It's a smirk that Phil is seeing on Dan's face, that much is certain._

-

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (11:51 PM)**

am i

good =P

becauseeeeeee

what if i dont want you to stop there

=x

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:52 PM)**

~~You don't?~~

Me neither =x

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (11:52 PM)**

tell me more

plz

=[

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:53 PM)**

Well

~~Um~~

If we were in bed

Like you are now =]

~~I would~~

~~I would just~~

I'd pull you close to me and wrap my arms around you

Andddd maybeeeeeeee kiss you? =x

 

-

_Their eyes are glued to the screen._

_Phil's are trained on Dan's lips._

_His imagination is starting to run wild._

-

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (11:54 PM)**

kiss me how

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:54 PM)**

Slowly

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (11:54 PM)**

why slowly

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:54 PM)**

Because

 

-

_Phil doesn't take his eyes off Dan as he types out the response._

_He's lost the battle, perhaps even the war. But is that so wrong?_

_He doesn't want to think anymore._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:57 PM)**

Because I want to take it slow and taste you and

I want to kiss you and then stop so I can see you and see if you want me to keep going

I want to look into your eyes and kiss your cheeks, and your forehead, I want to kiss your lips and I want to feel everything

I want you Dan >_<

 

_-_

_It's hard to look at Dan right now, but he brings himself to do it._

_Dan is biting his lip again, but even still, what Phil sees is excitement and anticipation and --_

_And Phil isn't alone in this, no, no, he really is not._

-

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (11:58 PM)**

>_<

phil....

if you kissed me

if you were here with me

i dont know =/

i want your lips on mine so fucking badly =/

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:58 PM)**

And I want yours =[

Looking at you like this is just

Bah

My brain is short circuiting xD

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (11:59 PM)**

this is where i would say something mildly insulting if i wasnt more interested in the topic at hand xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (11:59 PM)**

I was half expecting it =P

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (11:59 PM)**

as they say

expect the unexpected

with me =]

whether thats good or bad idk xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:00 AM)**

But I do

It's very good :]

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (12:00 AM)**

:]

but you know

its the same for me

when i look at you

i dont know what to do or think anymore

i just want you =x

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:00 AM)**

Dan >_<

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (12:01 AM)**

? =/

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:01 AM)**

I just want to kiss you =[

Why are you so perfect

And so far

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (12:01 AM)**

i cant wait till im not far

:[

i want you in my bed with me

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:02 AM)**

~~Fuck~~

I wish I was next to you right now :[

Kissing you for ages and

 

_-_

_He wasn't planning on it. It just slipped._

-

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (12:03 AM)**

and?

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:03 AM)**

If you were fine with it

I'd want to touch you

You look so amazing Dan

I want to feel you next to me =[

 

-

_Dan is staring again, mouth slightly open, shoulders heaving with every breath._

-

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (12:05 AM)**

touch me how?

 

-

_Phil doesn't say anything, searching Dan's expression for answers._

_Dan smiles, a smile unlike any that Phil had ever seen before. It's shy, maybe a little forced, but mainly, Phil finds longing in the softness of it, he finds his own wishes reflected on the screen, and it might be wishful thinking, but it also might not be._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:06 AM)**

Run my fingers down your back

across your chest =x

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (12:07 AM)**

ugh

please =x

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:08 AM)**

And

~~I would just not sto~~

I want to kiss you the whole time

Maybe not just your lips

Your neck, down your collar bone

And I wouldn't let go of you even once =x

So you should maybe reconsider coming here =P

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (12:09 AM)**

philllllll

>_<

i will reconsider fucking walking there if it means ill see you sooner

come here >_<

i want you to just

lie down with me

let me take off your shirt

let me see you

i want to kiss you everywhere

 

_-_

_Phil imagines it, and heat rises in his belly at the mere thought of it._

_He observes Dan and easily spots the change in complexion; he must be blushing. Phil is too, probably._

_For the hundredth time, Phil wishes that actions, instead of words, were their main method of communication._

_Especially **now**._

-

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (12:10 AM)**

can you?

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:10 AM)**

Can I what?

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (12:10 AM)**

take it off

like i would

if i were there

 

-

_Phil freezes._

_Dan has seen him shirtless, mainly in videos._

_But this is not the same thing._

_Does he want this, though?_

_Stupid question._

_Slowly, he pulls up his t-shirt and takes it off, throwing it back on the bed, and Dan, Dan is looking at him, really looking at him, and Phil should be self-conscious, but he is not._

-

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (12:14 AM)**

fuck

phil =[

i need you

you are so fucking hot

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (12:15 AM)**

i wish you were here

i want to let you lie back in bed

and like

get on top

kiss you

your jaw

neck

and

your chest

can i

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:16 AM)**

Please >_<

I want to have you so close that we are touching everywhere

and

I just want you here now =/

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (12:16 AM)**

tell me more

please phil =[

 

-

_Dan shifts so that he is in the same position as Phil, leaning against the headboard of his bed. This allows Phil to see more of his shirtless form for a brief moment, all the way down to his stomach._

_Phil no longer knows whether he should stop or not._

_He simply doesn't want to._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:18 AM)**

If you were sat like you are now I'd want to just, get as close as I can

Kiss you over and over

Play with your hair

Bite your lip like you're doing now :]

And then kiss down your neck

Down your

chest

~~And~~

~~And I want to~~

Your stomach

I would make you lie back

And I'd do it slowly

Kissing everywhere as long as I can

 

-

_Dan's eyes are wide open, mouth slightly agape._

_Phil wishes he could see more of him._

-

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (12:19 AM)**

do you really mean all that?

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:19 AM)**

~~Yes~~

Is it okay if I do? =/

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (12:20 AM)**

phil

im literally like

fucking hell

i want you so. bad.

so YES its okay

do you?

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:20 AM)**

Of course Dan >_<

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (12:20 AM)**

if you did that

i dont know what id do

i dont want it to be like

onesided

i want to

you know

i want with you

too

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:21 AM)**

It's not

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (12:21 AM)**

tell me more

then

please

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:24 AM)**

I would kiss all the way down your stomach

And

I'd bring my hand up to where your trousers begin and move down your thigh

If you wanted me to of course

 

-

_Phil, in a fantasy world right now, almost misses the expression on Dan's face. He **would** miss it, but it doesn't change, it stays and remains exactly the same._

_Even through this camera, Phil sees the way Dan is breathing quickly, drawing sharp, shallow breaths. Phil sees the way Dan swallows, thick with nerves._

_Phil sees the way Dan looks at him, without fear._

_Dan starts typing, and Phil waits._

-

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (12:27 AM)**

fucking hell phil

youre just

i mean

>_<

i want you

i want you to do anything you want with me

i want your hands on me

your lips

you

>_<

how is this even real

youre so fucking perfect

if you were here

i wouldnt let you do all that

because i want to touch you

first

i want to make you feel something

like youre doing to me now

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:28 AM)**

You already do Dan

And I want that so much >_<

I want you to lie back in bed

I want to touch you through your boxers 

Want to pull them off you >_<

 

-

_Just thinking of this is enough for Phil's pyjama pants to feel somewhat tight._

_Through a haze of desire mixed with embarrassment, he wonders if Dan too is affected._

-

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (12:29 AM)**

yes

please

fuck

i need you :[

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (12:29 AM)**

what would you do next phil

tell me

please

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:31 AM)**

>_<

I want you Dan =/

what would I do

I'd

I'd kiss down your stomach again

and move to your thigh

and

Is it bad that I want to touch you

I want to taste you

taste eveyrthing

Dan >_<

 

-

_Dan doesn't respond for a moment. Phil looks at him, noticing that his eyes are shut, and he's biting on his lip yet again._

_He looks so fucking irresistible, Phil doesn't know what to do._

-

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (12:34 AM)**

i wish you would

fuck

phil

is it ok if im

is

you know

can i

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:35 AM)**

Yes

Fuck Dan

I want to be there >_<

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (12:36 AM)**

i want you here

so bad

want to get in your lap

kiss you

i want to suck on the skin on your neck

i want you to have hickeys

i want to

move

so that you feel

how much i fucking want you

i want to feel you

against me

 

-

_Dan opens his mouth, throws his head back a little, eyes shut._

_Phil only wishes he could hear the sound._

_He knows what Dan is doing, and he can't stop thinking about it. About the fact that, miles and miles away, Dan is touching himself. On camera. With him._

_Phil doesn't even realise when he begins to do the same, when his fingers slip underneath his own pyjamas. He gasps when he touches himself, picturing what Dan just wrote, imagining the feeling of Dan's skin against his._

-

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (12:39 AM)**

are you?

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:39 AM)**

Is it okay?

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (12:39 AM)**

fuck

yes

it is

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:41 AM)**

I want to be there with you and see you

You look so hot when you bite your lip Dan >_<

I want to look at you while

I touch you

and

I want to take you in my hand and just go slow first

So slow

 

-

_In the corner of the screen, Phil sees Dan's arm move in a motion that seems to be increasing in pace._

_It's so hard to type, to do anything, when seeing Dan; Dan, who seems out of breath, who looks at him with eyes wide open, who is pleasuring himself, when Phil so badly wants to do it for him._

_He's only just started. He's already close._

-

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (12:44 AM)**

i think i would go insane

if you were here

if you did that >_<

phil

i

i wish it was your hand

on me

right now

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:47 AM)**

~~I wish it was my mouth~~

~~I want mor~~

Does it feel good?

 

-

_Dan doesn't respond immediately, giving Phil time to just look at him, see the pleasure so clearly on his face, and touch himself at the same time._

_He imagines the future. Having this exact face before him. Causing that pleasure in Dan himself._

_It feels good. So good._

-

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (12:52 AM)**

so good

>_<

youre so

i just

i want you

phil

when we meet

i want

i want this

do you

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:52 AM)**

yes

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:53 AM)**

Dan 

If you were here

I would move my hand faster

Do it Dan

Imagine its me

 

-

_Phil sees the moan, he doesn't hear it, but he sees it. The way Dan throws his head back. The way he looks back at the screen moments later, eyes half-closed, mouth open._

_Phil can't last much longer._

-

 

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (12:53 AM)**

i want you on top of me

right now >_<

i want to make you

i just

i want to make you lose it

i want you to feel good

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:53 AM)**

I feel really good >_<

I just wish you were here

 

-

_Phil increases the speed of his strokes, unable to help himself. At the same time, he doesn't want to --_

_Not before Dan._

-

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (12:55 AM)**

are you close

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:55 AM)**

yes

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (12:55 AM)**

dont stop

can i tell you something

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:56 AM)**

yes

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (12:57 AM)**

if i were there

i would want you to cum in my mouth

 

-

_A surge of both pleasure and surprise rushes through Phil._

_He is on the verge now, but he wants to do it with Dan._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:59 AM)**

Dan

I

 

-

_He keeps his eyes open until the very last second, seeing Dan do the same, as they both tip over the edge and come, Phil managing to grab a tissue off his nightstand just in time. Phil stifles his own moan, keeping his mouth shut, but Dan, home alone, clearly doesn't. Phil wishes desperately that he could hear it._

_Once he reaches the edge, he closes his eyes and falls back into bed, breathing heavily, spent and overwhelmed by all the new emotions that run through him right now._

_Several minutes pass before he looks at the screen, looks at Dan. Dan is in a similar position to his, panting and staring at him through hooded eyes with a mixture of lust and uncertainty._

-

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (01:05 AM)**

that felt so fucking good

 

-

_Only then, reading this, does Phil begin to smile. A tired, disbelieving chuckle escapes his lips. Dan responds in the same manner._

_It's the next step. Perhaps they should have waited, but Phil can't bring himself to regret it._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (01:06 AM)**

It did

I wish you were here Dan

I want you close right now =[

I want to cuddle you until we fall asleep

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (01:06 AM)**

im going to hug my pillow tonight

pretend its you

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (01:07 AM)**

i feel so tired

it felt so good

phil

i just

wow

<3

i want you

 

**Phil ^_^ (01:08 AM)**

~~I love you so~~

I want you more >_<

 

-

_Phil yawns against his will, feeling entirely spent and stupidly blissful. Dan follows almost immediately._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (01:09 AM)**

I'm glad you yawned just then

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (01:10 AM)**

why xD

also

i want you most

seriously

fucking hell.

 

**Phil ^_^ (01:11 AM)**

It's normal to yawn when someone around you yawns

those that don't are psychopaths

I read that somewhere

so I'm glad xD

And no you don't

I swear you don't :]

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (01:11 AM)**

lol phil

i think you should have done your psychopath test before we err

did this xD

but im glad i passed

and yes i do

<3

 

-

_They're both smiling for a few seconds before yawning yet again._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (01:12 AM)**

Should we go to sleep?

=]

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (01:13 AM)**

yes plz

come. <3 =]

 

**Phil ^_^ (01:14 AM)**

Soon

When we meet

I want to hold you all night =]

 

-

_Dan releases what seems to be a heavy sigh, and this time, Phil also follows._

-

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (01:15 AM)**

i cant wait

phil

youre perfect

thank you <3 =]

 

**Phil ^_^ (01:15 AM)**

Thank YOU :] <3

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (01:15 AM)**

leave camera on plz

i want to look at you when i fall asleep

 

**Phil ^_^ (01:15 AM)**

Yes

I want to see you too =]

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (01:16 AM)**

=]]

good night phil

talk tomorrow

yes?

 

**Phil ^_^ (01:16 AM)**

Yes

Good night Dan <3 sweet dreams =]

 

**abandoned DANIEL :[ (01:17 AM)**

hope i dream of you

xxx <3

 

-

_They both set down their laptops on their nightstands._

_Phil lies down on his side, wraps himself in his duvet, and for a final time that night, he looks at Dan._

_And Dan is still looking at him as he falls asleep._

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you don't hate me now. I'm scared. Also, it's 5 am, I'm waking up in 3 hours and I spent the last 4+ hours writing skype sex. what is my life 
> 
> Please leave me a comment if you liked this - it keeps me going!!, and I'm sorry if I haven't responded to your previous comment yet, I will do it tomorrow! :)


	13. I won't be able to think of anything else

  

_Phil opens his eyes with a start, as if woken up in the middle of a dream._

_He's laying flat on his back, looking at the ceiling from the moment he wakes up. During the night, he kicked his duvet down to his ankles and he begins to feel a chill creeping up on him._

_His vision is blurry. His heart is racing from the second he remembers the previous night._

_Does he regret it?_

**_Should_ ** _he regret it?_

_More importantly, does Dan regret it?_

_Phil is two seconds away from overthinking the whole thing into oblivion, he's inches away from convincing himself that Dan probably hates him now, but then, his phone vibrates._

_It's a text. From Dan._

_With trembling fingers, Phil checks the message._

-

 

**Dan, 11:49 AM**

i woke up and i just wish you were here with me. :[ hope im not waking you <3

 

-

_Warmth and serenity and bliss wash over Phil as he reads the message._

_Dan doesn't hate him. Everything is fine. It's fine. It's **fine**._

_And last night was **pretty amazing**._

-

 

**Phil, 11:51 AM**

I just woke up too. Come here and cuddle plz :[ <3

 

**Dan, 11:53 AM**

do want =[ <3 <3

im going to get myself sorted and come online btw. so you know, come on whenever xD <3

 

**Phil, 11:54 AM**

I'll get out of bed, shower etc, grab some breakfast and be there :]

 

**Dan, 11:55 AM**

shower

sounds interesting xD =P

 

-

_Heat rises in his cheeks, reminding him of all the things he's said last night._

_He'll probably re-read that last conversation later, for a variety of reasons, but it might require a little bravery to do._

-

 

**Phil, 11:57 AM**

~~Could be more interesting if you were here~~

Does it? xD

 

**Dan, 11:58 AM**

no i just said so for no reason xD you spork

go sort yourself out im waiting fuck sake

xx <3

 

**Phil, 11:58 AM**

xxxxxxxxx <3

 

-

_For once, Phil is quick to get out of bed, a feeling of urgency chasing him as he goes through his morning routine._

_-_

_An hour later_

**1:11 PM: Phil ^_^ has come online.**

**dan :] (1:11 PM)**

PHILLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:11 PM)**

DANNNNNNNNNNNNNN

 

**dan :] (1:12 PM)**

hiiiiiii

you took your time in the shower

slowpoke xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:12 PM)**

~~It was a long shower~~

I also had to make some breakfast

I've got toast here with me now xD

 

**dan :] (1:13 PM)**

but not me :[

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:13 PM)**

Come get

I might share =P

 

**dan :] (1:14 PM)**

you *might* =[

i see how it is phil

you wont even share toast with me

im not even worthy of your toast =[[

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:14 PM)**

I'll share if you're nice!

To yourself of course

Not me xD

 

**dan :] (1:14 PM)**

ughhh

so unfair xD

but ive not said anything mean yet today

dont i deserve a reward? =]

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:15 PM)**

Fineeee

Come here and I'll give you one bite =p

 

**dan :] (1:15 PM)**

bite where xD =P

 

-

_Phil purses his lips, blushes, types out the response._

_This is different, but he'll take it in stride._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:17 PM)**

~~On the neck~~

On your neck? =o

 

**dan :] (1:17 PM)**

=o

on my wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:17 PM)**

Plz

:]

 

**dan :] (1:17 PM)**

are your parents gone yet?

for their thingy?

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:18 PM)**

Soon!! Next week

 

**dan :] (1:18 PM)**

so anytime after that we can meet? =o

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:18 PM)**

Yes!! :]

 

**dan :] (1:18 PM)**

i cant waitttttttt

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:19 PM)**

We technically could meet while they're still here

My mum would be thrilled =P

~~But I want to have you to myself~~

But it's nicer if we're alone :]

 

**dan :] (1:19 PM)**

agreeed xD

plenty of time for me to meet your parents later =]

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:19 PM)**

=]

You'll want to sometime? =o

 

**dan :] (1:20 PM)**

well

seeing as i intend to stalk you for a long time xD

it makes sense

 

-

_Phil's breath gets caught somewhere in his throat as his heart starts beating faster._

_It's so hard now, so hard not to say the words, but if there is one thing he wants to keep for later, it's **this**._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:21 PM)**

You'd better stalk me for a very long time Dan

I won't take anything less than 500 years xD

 

**dan :] (1:21 PM)**

500 years?

youre underestimating me phil xD

im going to turn into a less hot version of edward cullen = immortal and stalk you forever

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:22 PM)**

Are you going to sparkle too? =p

And you couldn't be that because you're far hotter than Edward :]

 

**dan :] (1:22 PM)**

youre just being niceee xD

and i will if you want me to

id do almost anything if you asked

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:23 PM)**

~~I know a few things I'd like y~~

Then say I'm perfect 10 times :]

 

**dan :] (1:23 PM)**

phil is perfect :]

phil is perfect =]

phil is perfect <3

phil is perfect <3

phil is perfect <3

phil is perfect ^_^

phil is perfect :3

phil is perfect =3

phil is perfect xD

phil is perfect <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:23 PM)**

NO

Really Dan xD

Say "I'm perfect"!!

 

**dan :] (1:24 PM)**

i cant

then id be lying

lying is bad.

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:24 PM)**

No you wouldn't be

You'd be truth-ing

 

**dan :] (1:25 PM)**

i so would be lying

also

if my english teacher ever read these conversations

she would cry and then pour bleach all over her face xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:26 PM)**

She sounds quite dramatic

She should embrace the new age of language

Philanguage

 

**dan :] (1:26 PM)**

teach me some philanguage then

mr english language and linguistics

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:26 PM)**

It's a very hard language

I'm not sure if I can teach anyone :[

Also don't mention my degree please, it's useless =[ xD

 

**dan :] (1:27 PM)**

its nooot

:] <3

what were you planning to be when you chose it?

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:27 PM)**

I don't know really

Anything that pays I suppose =p

 

**dan :] (1:28 PM)**

professor phil

like professor oak but better

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:28 PM)**

In a way you are right

with that degree, my most viable job would be raising Pokemon

 

**dan :] (1:28 PM)**

shush you

xD

<3

honestly though i envy you

you went to uni and you're done now and i still have no clue what to do with my life

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:29 PM)**

You'll figure it out Dan :]

I'm done with uni but I still have no idea

I think that's just how it goes

 

**dan :] (1:29 PM)**

thats not cheering me up

like at all

does that mean ill never know xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:29 PM)**

I think you will eventually

We both will :]

 

**dan :] (1:30 PM)**

:]

you see phil

you're an optimist. i'm a pessimist

we'll just have to meet in the middle =p

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:30 PM)**

In the middle

So like Birmingham? xD

 

**dan :] (1:31 PM)**

yes

lets start walking

then we can just sit somewhere on the road together =p

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:33 PM)**

Google says it's over 200 miles

I don't think I can walk 2 without passing out :[

 

**dan :] (1:33 PM)**

same

i need to get more fit

i dont want you to be repulsed when you see me :[

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:34 PM)**

Dan!!! >_<

I'd never be repulsed

You look amazing =]

 

**dan :] (1:34 PM)**

i so dont

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:35 PM)**

Yes you do

I loved seeing you yesterday

 

**dan :] (1:35 PM)**

so you dont regret last night? =/

 

-

_The question, as is often the case, catches Phil off-guard._

_He was worried about a little awkwardness, sure, but it never happened, so he assumed everything was fine. With the added layer of, well, **that**._

_Was Dan thinking about this the whole time?_

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:36 PM)**

Of course not

Do you? =/

 

**dan :] (1:37 PM)**

nooo

i was worried you would

i thought it was amazing =x

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:38 PM)**

Me too

~~I've never wanted anyone the way I~~

I really do want you Dan >_<

 

**dan :] (1:38 PM)**

;_;

comeeeeeee

plz.

 

**dan :] (1:39 PM)**

i was seriously worried id put you off somehow

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:39 PM)**

You couldn't if you tried

 

**dan :] (1:41 PM)**

so.. you're okay with all this?

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:41 PM)**

~~Are you?~~

I am, and you? =x

 

**dan :] (1:41 PM)**

yes

:]

it feels like we've already had this conversation

im sorry =[

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:42 PM)**

You never have to apologise to me Dan. I'll always be around to tell you how amazing you are to me :]

 

**dan :] (1:43 PM)**

youre like 20000000000 times too good for me phil

in every way

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:43 PM)**

When we meet I hope I can make you believe otherwise

No

wait

That sounded wrong xD like I hope you'll hate me or something :[

I just hope I can show you that it's you who is too good for me

 

**dan :] (1:43 PM)**

you are delusional.

<3 xD

can i tell you something then

if you dont regret last night

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:44 PM)**

? =o

 

**dan :] (1:45 PM)**

i um

did it again this morning

 

**dan :] (1:46 PM)**

and i thought about you =x

 

-

_Phil's skin grows flushed within seconds as his brain supplies him with images of what he saw last night, combined with a little imagination._

_For a full minute, he sits there, not knowing what to say. Finally, he decides to go with honesty._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:47 PM)**

~~I wish I had been there~~

ffs Dan >_<

I want you so much >_<

And

~~I did too~~

I may have done the same =x

 

**dan :] (1:47 PM)**

=o

you did?

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:48 PM)**

Yeah.. in the shower =x

 

**dan :] (1:48 PM)**

..

fuck

you do realise this is all im going to think of the whole day right =p

and you thought of me? =x

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:49 PM)**

Yeah =x

~~It's not the first time~~

 

**dan :] (1:49 PM)**

tell me more plz :[

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:50 PM)**

You tell me first! =P

 

**dan :] (1:50 PM)**

omg

nooo

what if you hate it

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:51 PM)**

You could hate mine too =[

 

**dan :] (1:51 PM)**

i could never ever hate anything even remotely related to you

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:52 PM)**

Then you know how I feel about you Dan =]

Tell me plz =[

 

**dan :] (1:53 PM)**

ill tell you something else

just thinking of you doing that like

you know =p

im gonna need to walk it off xD

my parents are back from their trip soon =[

 

**-**

_Phil gulps, swallowing the bundle of nerves that is stuck in his throat. That's a clear message that they shouldn't be having that conversation right now, but once they've started, he doesn't want to stop._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:54 PM)**

;__;

Lock them out the door!!

Put up a do not disturb sign for an hour

 

**dan :] (1:54 PM)**

yes

i could xD

orrr

you could tell me tonight

once theyve gone to bed =x

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:55 PM)**

That depends

Will you tell me? =p

 

**dan :] (1:55 PM)**

do you want me to? =p

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:56 PM)**

Duh

No, I'm just asking for fun xD Of course I want you to

 

**dan :] (1:57 PM)**

look at you being sarcastic

i am a bad influence on you phil xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:58 PM)**

And vice versa! =P

 

**dan :] (1:58 PM)**

=] so true

hey

i should get going and do some tidying before my parents get here

unless i want them to scream my head off xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:58 PM)**

:[ :[ : [ =[ ='[ :'[ =( :(

 

**dan :] (1:59 PM)**

no be sad plz

<3

i want to stay

i want to know what you thought about

=$

 

**Phil ^_^ (1:59 PM)**

I want to know more!! This is unfair :[ =p

At least tell me one thing

 

**dan :] (1:59 PM)**

what thing?

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:01 PM)**

~~Was it in the showe~~

~~Where did you~~

No

nevermind

It's too weird =x

 

**dan :] (2:01 PM)**

wtf nooo

ask me

you cant do this to me. xD i am way too curious

cmon phillllllll

phillllllllllllll

philllllllllllllllllllllllllll

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:02 PM)**

But it's weird

 

**dan :] (2:02 PM)**

id be surprised if it wasnt

its you we're talking about here

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:02 PM)**

=[ *cries*

 

**dan :] (2:02 PM)**

no cry plz

<3

tellll???

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:03 PM)**

Promise you won't feel weirded out?

 

**dan :] (2:03 PM)**

i promise

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:05 PM)**

Were you in the shower too? =x

When you.. You know

 

**dan :] (2:06 PM)**

:$

no

in bed

soon as i woke up

 

-

_Phil has always had a rather good imagination. This image will likely not leave him for the rest of the day._

_Suddenly, he feels as though he could use another shower._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:07 PM)**

~~That's so h~~

>_<

I don't think I'll be able to think of anything else all day =p

 

**dan :] (2:07 PM)**

same

only ill be thinking of you in the shower =p

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:08 PM)**

You're so ~~irresas~~

~~Irresista~~

~~irrsdaqsdsa~~

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:09 PM)**

Irresistible Dan =]

That took me like 5 attempts to write

 

**dan :] (2:09 PM)**

you googled it

admit it. xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:10 PM)**

..I may have

 

**dan :] (2:11 PM)**

its ok i have no idea how to spell it either

but no YOU ARE <3

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:11 PM)**

No you <3

Go clean and put your parents to bed as soon as they get there

I want to know what you thought about =x

 

**dan :] (2:12 PM)**

that sounds so weird

that bed part i mean

but yes

im gonna go clean

and think of you the whole time =x

hope i manage to get anything done xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:12 PM)**

I'll be waiting for you :] <3

 

**dan :] (2:12 PM)**

<3 <3

i miss you already phil. :[

xx

 

**Phil ^_^ (2:13 PM)**

Miss you more Dan <3 :]

 

-

_They text throughout the day, and at night, once their houses are silent and asleep, they talk again._

_Dan tells him. And he tells Dan too._

_When Phil wakes up the next morning, he thinks of the exact same thing that Dan thought of the previous morning. And he stays in bed._

_Like he would if Dan were here._

-

 

-

**_Three days later_ **

_It's a busy day for the both of them, with errands to run and things to do._

_The past three days were filled with conversation that was mostly centered around one topic. Phil can't bring himself to mind. At all._

_His parents will be leaving soon, and the whole thing is less and less a figment of his imagination. It's real, strong and tangible, and he can't wait to experience it first hand._

_By the time they're both on Skype, it's nighttime, and the entire day dragged on like a Monday morning for Phil._

-

 

**12:02 AM: dan :] has come online.**

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:03 AM)**

Dannnnnnnnnnn

Where have you been! I've been here for two hours xD

 

**dan :] (12:03 AM)**

philllllllllllllllll <3

i missed youuuuuuuuuu

im sry

my school mates were in town so we went out to eat

and i missed my bus :[[

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:04 AM)**

Aw :[

Have you had fun? :]

 

**dan :] (12:04 AM)**

yes and no

no because socialising

yes because i thought of you the whole time xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:04 AM)**

~~What have you been thinking of~~

What a coincidence

I've been thinking of you too :]

 

**dan :] (12:05 AM)**

poor you

that must have ruined your day :[ =p

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:05 AM)**

Yes Dan

Totally ruined it

You owe me now =P

 

**dan :] (12:05 AM)**

what do i owe you =o

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:06 AM)**

A thousand pounds

 

**dan :] (12:06 AM)**

pff

i thought it would be something more interesting =p

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:06 AM)**

Would you be willing to owe me something more interesting? =p

 

**dan :] (12:06 AM)**

you wont know now will you

i already owe you a thousand pounds

end of story xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:07 AM)**

We can forget about that if you answer the question! =P

 

**dan :] (12:07 AM)**

ill hav e to think about it

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:07 AM)**

:[

 

**dan :] (12:07 AM)**

what more interesting thing

could i possibly owe you

whats more interesting than a thousand quid xD?

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:08 AM)**

Everything related to you :]

 

**dan :] (12:08 AM)**

but you still asked for the money first :[

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:08 AM)**

I feel a bit ~~scared~~ unsure when starting these chats with you

I don't want you to feel sick of it =/ before we even meet =p

 

**dan :] (12:08 AM)**

phil

ive literally thought of nothing else over the last few days

youve got nothing to worry about =x

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:08 AM)**

I always worry when it comes to you

I don't want to lose you Dan

 

-

_Phil doesn't know what's brought this on, what transformed their banter into something serious, but he does know that he means it._

-

 

**dan :] (12:09 AM)**

youll never lose me :]

never

when im old and wrinkly ill still be like

fuck yea AMAZINGPHIL <3 xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:09 AM)**

What about just Phil? =p

 

**dan :] (12:10 AM)**

thats even more so

=]

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:11 AM)**

<3

I can't wait for us to meet

My parents are leaving tomorrow

book plz. <3

 

**dan :] (12:11 AM)**

should we just book tomorrow

i dont care if i pay a few quid extra

i want to be sure that ill see you

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:11 AM)**

Only if you let me pay the difference

 

**dan :] (12:12 AM)**

not happening

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:12 AM)**

YES happening xD

 

**dan :] (12:12 AM)**

not

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:13 AM)**

yot

 

**dan :] (12:13 AM)**

not

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:13 AM)**

yot

 

**dan :] (12:13 AM)**

not

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:13 AM)**

yot

 

**dan :] (12:14 AM)**

not

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:14 AM)**

yottttt full stop

 

**dan :] (12:14 AM)**

you sir

are a complete dork

xD <3

 

-

_They keep on talking until they both go to bed, somewhere in the middle of the night._

_Phil lies on his side, holds his pillow, allows his mind to fill with thoughts of Dan._

_He shouldn't be this in love with him. They have never even met in real life._

_He jumps at the sound of his phone vibrating, opens his eyes and sees that it's Dan, ringing him._

_How could he **not** be this in love with him, when everything in relation to Dan gives him a physical sensation somewhere deep within his chest?_

_His voice is just a little above a whisper when he picks up._

-

 

"Hey Dan."

"Hi Phil." _Dan pauses. He too is whispering, his voice soft, a little sleepy._ "I wanted to hear your voice before I sleep."

"I always want to hear your voice, even when I'm not sleeping."

 _Dan laughs, then abruptly stops._ "Wait, _shit_. Were you already asleep?"

"No, no, not yet! I was just holding my pillow and -- and thinking, I guess."

"I always hold my pillow too."

 

-

_His throat feels tight, his entire being overflowing with emotion._

-

 

"I wish I could hold you, Dan."

 _Dan sighs._ "Fucking hell... Me too. Not long now, yeah? I'm booking. I don't care what you say."

"Let me pay half, then! It's not fair, the tickets are super expensive."

"If you keep saying that, I'm going to hang up."

"No! No, don't hang up!"

 

-

_The short silence that falls between them is not awkward to Phil. No, it's full of warmth, a pinch of longing and a hint of --_

-

 

"I wish you were here, Phil. Like... Like... Right now."

 

-

_Dan's voice sounds different as he says that, deeper and even more quiet than it was previously._

_Phil thinks he knows what Dan is referring to. He hopes that he does._

-

 

"That's what I've been thinking of before you called. That I wish you were here with me."

"Do you think that -- um -- that one day, we'll just -- we'll be together and everything will be, I don't know, fine? Does that make sense?"

 _Phil's smile seeps into his voice as he replies_. "It does. And yeah. I really think that. If you'll want that, of course."

 

-

_Another moment of silence follows._

_Phil has never felt quite so lonely._

-

 

"I will. I definitely will." _Dan pauses. When he speaks again, his voice is softer than ever._ "Good night, Phil. I miss you."

"Good night Dan. Sweet dreams."

 

-

_Phil falls asleep seconds later, still clutching his phone._

_-_

_-_

**_The next day_ **

****

_Phil has slept in. Majorly. Staying up until four in the morning was not such a great idea. By the time he wakes up, it's almost 3 PM._

_His lateness gives him all the more reason to rush through his "morning" routine, because surely, Dan will be around by now._

_He showers, eats his cereal and runs to the computer, signing in to Skype._

_He is met by a wave of disappointment. Dan isn't here yet. Probably still asleep._

_With a sigh, he goes to check his email, his Facebook and lastly, his Twitter. To his surprise, while Dan may not be on Skype, he still tweeted him quite recently._

_It's a screenshot, one that makes no sense to him at first, combined with a short message._

**_@AmazingPhil as long as it doesn't get lost in the post :| yay._ **

****

_Even more confused, he checks the screenshot once again, and slowly, he begins to understand what it is._

_I_ _t sinks in._

_Train tickets. Reading Station to Manchester Piccadilly._

_October 19th._

_12 days. 12 days from now._

**_12 days from now, he is meeting Dan Howell._ **

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, thank you so much for your feedback on the last chapter. You have no idea how much it means to me :)  
> I'm late answering your comments, I will do it tomorrow. Please tell me if you liked this one too! It really motivates me to stay up late writing this!


	14. What are you wearing right now?

 

**_@AmazingPhil as long as it doesn't get lost in the post :| yay._ **

_Train tickets. Reading Station to Manchester Piccadilly._

_October 19th._

_12 days. 12 days from now._

_12 days from now, he is meeting Dan Howell._

 

-

**_Thirty four seconds later_ **

-

 

_Phil doesn't think, doesn't wonder, doesn't check Skype one more time to be sure that Dan is not online. He does the only thing he can do right now._

_He calls Dan, and Dan picks up after the first ring._

-

 

"You _booked_!"

 

-

_Phil is nearly screaming into the phone. Dan, on the other hand, sounds subdued and unsure._

-

 

"Is that all -- is that okay?"

"Is it _okay_? Dan, it's --"

"--because I don't wanna wait anymore, Phil, and if we keep waiting for the tickets to be any cheaper we're never going to meet, and I don't wanna like, miss this opportunity, because you -- you're just --"

"No, Dan, it's incredible! It's -- it's _so_ incredible! Nineteenth? That's in less than two weeks!"

"Shit... Shit. Yeah. You're right. I never realised until you put it that way." _Dan pauses; Phil hears him exhale sharply._ "So this is okay, then?"

"Are you _really_ asking?"

"No. Yes. Fuck, yeah, maybe. Because like, maybe you've already got plans for nineteenth and I should've asked you, shouldn't I, I should've said something instead of just up and --"

"Dan, no, no, back up, _breathe_." _Dan does, and only after a few breaths does Phil go on._ "Dan, I'd literally have time if you came here tomorrow. Or five minutes from now. Or twenty years. I'll _always_ have time for you."

"Stop it, or I'm literally going to cry."

"Don't cry. Unless you're already scared of seeing me and hating me at first sight."

 

-

_Phil is kidding, of course._

_But then why is his stomach in knots?_

_Dan's little chuckle dissolves some of the nerves, letting Phil pretend they're not there at all._

-

 

"Yeah, right, hate _you_? _You're_ going to hate me. I'm super annoying and ugly and --"

"And if you don't stop right now, I'm going to _slap_ you when you arrive." _Phil pauses. When he speaks again, it's with disbelief._ "On October 19th. Twelve days from now."

"Bloody hell... Yeah. Yeah, twelve days, _twelve_ , less than a month. Shit." _Laughter seeps into Dan's voice, and it's softer than soft and sweeter than sweet._ "But if you slap me, I'm going to call the police on you."

"I always knew you've had a secret agenda."

"Yeah, 'cause the like, random stalking and all that is not an agenda at all."

 _Phil laughs, and Dan laughs with him._ "Twelve days!"

"Twelve days."

"I seriously can't believe you booked!"

"Me neither, to be honest. _Twelve_ days!"

"Are you excited?"

"Are you kidding me? Yes, I'm excited." _There is a pause that ends just before Phil manages to interrupt._ "And fucking _terrified_."

"Me too, but -- but I hope you'll like me, Dan."

"I already like you."

 

-

_Phil's heart speeds up to the point of making him feel even more anxious, but it's all mostly in a good way._

_Mostly._

_-_

"That's convenient, because I already like you too."

 

-

_This warm moment of anticipation and fear between them lasts for just long enough for Phil to remember that he will soon run out of phone credit._

-

 

"Dan?"

"Yeah?"

"Come on Skype?"

 _Dan draws in a breath, then exhales as he replies._ "On my way."

"I'm waiting."

_-_

_And then, just before Dan hangs up, Phil squeals._

-

 

" _Twelve_ days!"

 

-

**Five minutes later**

**-**

**4:03 PM: daniel :] has come online.**

**Phil ^_^ (4:03 PM)**

DANNNNNNNNNNNNNNN :] :]

I can't believe you booked

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =]]]]]]]

 

**daniel :] (4:03 PM)**

phillllllllllll

i cant believe it either

are you sure its ok

because like

i woke up

icouldnt sleep

and

and i thought

the longer i wait

the worse it gets

i mean

i could end up not seeing you at all =/

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:04 PM)**

How could it not be okay Dan?

Is it okay that you got them when they were kinda expensive-ish though? =/ Please let me pay half

 

**daniel :] (4:04 PM)**

no

no way

its fine phil i can afford them

besides im sleeping at yours = dont need to pay hotel :]

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:04 PM)**

I still feel bad about you paying the whole price =/

 

**daniel :] (4:05 PM)**

you dont feel bad about me surprising you then? =p

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:05 PM)**

Geez Dan

I feel happy

So happy =]

 

**daniel :] (4:05 PM)**

=]]]]]]]

<3

not as happy as i do

t w e l v e days!!!!!!! :]

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:05 PM)**

I can't wait

~~I want you to be here so i can kiss you~~

It's going to be amazing :]

 

**daniel :] (4:06 PM)**

i hope so

im kinda scared you wont like me

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:06 PM)**

You're right

I won't just like you

I'll far more than like you =p

 

**daniel :] (4:06 PM)**

=]

why are you so sweet

 

**daniel :] (4:08 PM)**

if i do like

500 push ups a day

will i be skinny in twelve days xD

 

_-_

_Phil frowns, both because Dan's self-esteem is killing him, and because he too could use a little exercise. He would look better if he were more in shape._

_Is Dan going to find him attractive at all? Phil doesn't think of himself as attractive, so why would Dan?_

_Should he go get his hair cut? He should dye it again too. And tidy his room. What else? Buy some new clothes? Something that looks better, fits him better?_

_Maybe he could go out running, or go to the gym?_

_Maybe fake tan?_

_No. No. **Definitely** no fake than._

-

 

**daniel :] (4:10 PM)**

is that a no

:[

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:11 PM)**

Sorrryyy I was just thinking of what I could do to look less terrible for when you arrived

Do you want me to go get a fake tan xD

And DAN

You look perfect as you are :] I swear

Plz don't do 500 push ups a day

You will be tired and you need energy for dealing with me =p

 

**daniel :] (4:12 PM)**

we are both horrid losers

you dont look terrible and you know it xD there are thousands of people drooling over you on the internet phil

im jelly xD

and please no fake tan wtf

do you want to look like an emo orange

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:13 PM)**

I want to look like someone you'd like

 

**daniel :] (4:13 PM)**

you already do :]

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:13 PM)**

So do you :]

 

**daniel :] (4:13 PM)**

i still want to look better

ill go get my hair cut

and maybe do some sit ups or something :[

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:14 PM)**

Dan I literally wouldn't care if you came to visit wearing a potato sack

 

**daniel :] (4:14 PM)**

potato sacks are high fashion phil

you heard it here first

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:14 PM)**

I believe you xD

But really

Please believe me :]

I'm so happy

and excited

and I can't wait

=]]]]

 

**daniel :] (4:15 PM)**

=]]]]]]]]]]]]]]

<3 <3

what are we going to do

omfg

i cant believe its actually happening

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:15 PM)**

We'll do anything you like

 

-

_Phil realises how boring that sounds. He doesn't want to be one of those people. He wants Dan to have fun._

_In a hurry, he types out another message._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:17 PM)**

We could go to the movies or explore or go on the Manchester eye or go for a walk orrrr

Or anywhere

I want you to have fun :]

 

**daniel :] (4:18 PM)**

i will have fun

as long as its with you

:]

i just

i keep thinking

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:18 PM)**

?

 

**daniel :] (4:19 PM)**

what if you see me at the train station and you dont like me :[

and dont say youre sure youll like me

you cant be sure

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:20 PM)**

What if you don't like me?

 

**daniel :] (4:20 PM)**

i will

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:20 PM)**

You said you can't be sure! =p

 

**daniel :] (4:21 PM)**

*i* can

you cant =[

its different

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:21 PM)**

How is it different?

 

**daniel :] (4:21 PM)**

because.

youre phil

and im dan

and youre perfect

and im

ok

i wont say it because youll yell at me xD buuut youre like

the best person ive ever known

i dont think i can live up to that standard

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:22 PM)**

Dan, to me you're the best person

The first one I think of in the morning, the last one I think of when I fall asleep

I'm going to love ~~you~~ meeting you

 

**daniel :] (4:22 PM)**

what if im not your type tho =[

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:23 PM)**

I don't have a type

and if I do then it's you

So you're automatically my type =]

 

**daniel :] (4:23 PM)**

buut im not ripped i dont have abs and my nose is gigantic and i shouldnt even be telling you this because im just bringing your attention to these things =[

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:23 PM)**

First off

I honestly couldn't care less if you weighed a tonne and had a Gandalf style beard dyed pink and green =p

Second

You look amazing

~~Seeing you on cam was just~~

I mean it

 

**daniel :] (4:23 PM)**

i dont weigh a tonne but i might one day if you dont stop being so sweet =p

ill put on all that weight over night from just thinking of the amount of sugar that you would contain =]

does that make sense i think not

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:24 PM)**

I would contain a lot of sugar just based on what I eat xD

But I'm really not being sweet

You've got the best eyes I could lose myself in

The best smile that makes me feel all warm inside =]

You've got a lovely nose that I want to kiss =p

~~And lips too~~

anddd lips

:]

And an amazing body

 

 

-

_Before Dan gets to reply, Phil adds something else._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:26 PM)**

I can't believe I'm seeing you in TWELVE DAYS =]]]]]

 

-

_He sends out a tweet, replying to Dan's previous one._

**_@danisnotonfire 12 days!!_ **

_Dan responds to the tweet before responding on Skype._

**_@AmazingPhil shit i need to do some situps_ **

****

_Phil shakes his head, but he's smiling._

-

 

**daniel :] (4:31 PM)**

:]

btw

what you wrote

i have tears in my eyes =[

youre so fucking perfect phil

i dont think you even realise.

but i hope i can show you one day. <3

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:32 PM)**

youre so fucking perfect dan

i dont think you even realise.

but i hope i can show you one day. <3

See, I can just copy paste your own messages right back at you :] =p

 

**daniel :] (4:32 PM)**

you lazy bum xD

<3

couldve at least corrected the grammar and crap

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:33 PM)**

You're so freaking perfect Dan

I don't think you even realise.

But I hope I can show you one day. <3

 

**daniel :] (4:33 PM)**

=']

you corrected the 'fucking'

come on phil

you can say it to me xD

i wont tell anyone

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:33 PM)**

I do sometimes! =p

I won't let you corrupt me fully

 

**daniel :] (4:34 PM)**

ill keep on trying

xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:34 PM)**

Do :]

 

**daniel :] (4:34 PM)**

no but

i am scared but mainly im like

so excited

i want to go out and shout it to my neighbours until they have me sent to prison xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:35 PM)**

At least wait until after we've met

I want to see you before you're locked up xD

 

**daniel :] (4:35 PM)**

wouldnt you come and save me :[

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:36 PM)**

I might

I'd ride a giraffe all the way there

 

**daniel :] (4:36 PM)**

right..

so you wouldnt then xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:36 PM)**

You should have more faith in giraffes Dan

Also

I'm more excited :] <3

 

**daniel :] (4:37 PM)**

you couldnt be <3

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:37 PM)**

~~I've been waiting to see you for so long~~

I could and I am :]

 

**daniel :] (4:38 PM)**

what are you going to wear

i need to imagine this properly :]

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:39 PM)**

~~Hopefully nothing by the end of the ni~~

 

~~-~~

_No. Not now._

_~~-~~ _

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:39 PM)**

I don't know yet

I'll need to find something that looks good :]

Or at least remotely good

 

**daniel :] (4:39 PM)**

thats pretty much anything when it comes to you =p

 

**Phil ^_^ (4:39 PM)**

Let's just wear matching potato sacks

 

-

_Distracted, he chews on his lip and smiles._

_Twelve. Days._

_He opens up the main Skype window and changes his screen name, something he hadn't done in a long time._

_-_

**daniel :] (4:41 PM)**

what

you changed your name :]]

omg

<3

**Phil ^_^ 12 DAYS!!!!!!!!! (4:41 PM)**

=]]]

I'm going to do a countdown every day

Like they do in prison

 

**daniel :] (4:42 PM)**

you have a strange fixation with prison phil xD

anything you want to tell me

 

**Phil ^_^ 12 DAYS!!!!!!!!! (4:42 PM)**

~~What do you mea~~

Noooo

Ugh xD

 

**happydan :] 12 DAYS!!!!!!~ (4:44 PM)**

:]]]

 

**Phil ^_^ 12 DAYS!!!!!!!!! (4:44 PM)**

=]]]]

<3

 

**happydan :] 12 DAYS!!!!!!~ (4:46 PM)**

<3

ughhhhhh my mums calling me down for dinner

plz stay so we can talk more later? :]

 

-

_Suddenly reminded, Phil asks Dan something he doesn't truly want to ask._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ 12 DAYS!!!!!!!!! (4:47 PM)**

Of course

Dan

Have you told your parents you're going to see me? =/

 

**happydan :] 12 DAYS!!!!!!~ (4:48 PM)**

i knew youd ask =/

i told them im seeing a friend

ill tell them more later once we've met and i can show them proof ur not a serial killer xD

 

**Phil ^_^ 12 DAYS!!!!!!!!! (4:48 PM)**

Are you sure it's okay?

 

**happydan :] 12 DAYS!!!!!!~ (4:48 PM)**

im 18

they cant keep me from going

nothing can. :]

 

**Phil ^_^ 12 DAYS!!!!!!!!! (4:49 PM)**

:]

 

-

_Phil desperately wants to believe that, but finds it to be difficult._

-

 

**happydan :] 12 DAYS!!!!!!~ (4:49 PM)**

back soon :] <3

 

**Phil ^_^ 12 DAYS!!!!!!!!! (4:50 PM)**

<3 twelve days :]]] Thank you Dan :]

 

**happydan :] 12 DAYS!!!!!!~ (4:50 PM)**

thank YOU <3 :]

gone~ =[

 

-

_Phil falls back into his chair and rubs his eyes for a second too long._

_Twelve days. He's seeing Dan in real life. All of these conversations, the things they've said and left unsaid, all of the things they did and said they want to do, all of that will finally have a chance of happening for real._

_Both of their feelings will either grow stronger or be --_

_No, Phil doesn't even classify that as an option. Of course they'll like each other._

_He really is sure that he will love Dan._ _Even now, on the internet, it's like they're two halves of a whole. It's like nothing he's ever felt before._

_It will be fantastic._

_And yet, he is trembling._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ 12 DAYS!!!!!!!!! (5:41 PM)**

Where are youuu

Are you eating an elephant =p

A pregnant one with ten additional elephants inside

 

**Phil ^_^ 12 DAYS!!!!!!!!! (5:59 PM)**

Now it's my mum calling me down for dinner =[

I'll eat quick

Plz come back. <3

 

**happydan :] 12 DAYS!!!!!!~ (6:02 PM)**

im back and youve gone noooooo

my parents survived me telling them ill be gone for 3 days xD

we should be ok :]

come backkkk

 

**Phil ^_^ 12 DAYS!!!!!!!!! (7:09 PM)**

Sorrryyyy they kept me for ages

So they're not upset?

 

**happydan :] 12 DAYS!!!!!!~ (7:09 PM)**

ill never forgive you

and well

theyre always at least mildly upset

so id say we're all good

 

**Phil ^_^ 12 DAYS!!!!!!!!! (7:09 PM)**

:[

 

**happydan :] 12 DAYS!!!!!!~ (7:09 PM)**

<3

i missed you =x

 

**Phil ^_^ 12 DAYS!!!!!!!!! (7:10 PM)**

I missed you more :]

 

**happydan :] 12 DAYS!!!!!!~ (7:10 PM)**

i want to say no you didnt but i know what will happen then

so ill just say i missed you most full stop you cant say anything about it now end of story ok bye. xD

 

**Phil ^_^ 12 DAYS!!!!!!!!! (7:10 PM)**

Pfff

You're a cheater =p

 

**happydan :] 12 DAYS!!!!!!~ (7:10 PM)**

im so not

also

ive been so busy thinking about you at dinner that my mum said im being rude xD

 

-

_Phil should feel guilty, but he doesn't, not in the least._

_He smiles, like the cat that ate the canary, and relishes the warmth that always seems to fill him when he's talking to Dan._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ 12 DAYS!!!!!!!!! (7:12 PM)**

I want to feel guilty, but I don't =p xD

What were you thinking about?

 

**happydan :] 12 DAYS!!!!!!~ (7:13 PM)**

everything

\i was imagining seeing you for the first time :]

and all the things we'll do

and just

being able to like, really see you, hear your voice

touch you

 

**Phil ^_^ 12 DAYS!!!!!!!!! (7:14 PM)**

I know what you mean

I can't wait to hold you

~~And touch your face and kiss you~~

Want to hold you close as long as I can :]

 

**happydan :] 12 DAYS!!!!!!~ (7:15 PM)**

and i want to kiss you

ive been saying it for ages now but now it feel like wow

its actually happening

i might actually kiss you

if you let me =p

so im like overwhelmed right now

in a good way

 

**Phil ^_^ 12 DAYS!!!!!!!!! (7:16 PM)**

I was hoping you'd let me kiss you

I mean everything I say to you Dan

~~Even the other things~~

 

**happydan :] 12 DAYS!!!!!!~ (7:17 PM)**

yes but i keep telling you

you might not like me enough to kiss me =[

 

**Phil ^_^ 12 DAYS!!!!!!!!! (7:17 PM)**

And I keep telling you that there's no way I'll like you any less than I do now

I'll only like you so much more

If it's even possible :]

 

**happydan :] 12 DAYS!!!!!!~ (7:17 PM)**

:] <3

but really.

this is the internet

what if im a different person irl

 

**Phil ^_^ 12 DAYS!!!!!!!!! (7:17 PM)**

Different how?

 

**happydan :] 12 DAYS!!!!!!~ (7:18 PM)**

just different

you might not like the way i talk or move or kiss or anything

or i might be like creepy to you or something

coming on too strong

im so scared of that tbh. :[

 

**happydan :] 12 DAYS!!!!!!~ (7:19 PM)**

what if i want too much too soon and i scare you off

 

-

_Phil's thoughts immediately jump to the subjects they've been discussing the most the past few days._

_Hugging and even kissing is one thing. But more?_

_Online, it was a step he was afraid to take for this exact reason. Among other things._

_Does he want all the things they talked about to become real?_

**_Fuck_ ** _, yes._

_Does he know whether Dan wants them too?_

_Not at all._

-

 

 

**Phil ^_^ 12 DAYS!!!!!!!!! (7:21 PM)**

You couldn't Dan

I'm scared of scaring you off

 

**happydan :] 12 DAYS!!!!!!~ (7:21 PM)**

you couldnt

i keep wanting more and more with you >_<

really

but i suppose we'll both be scared until we meet

at which point

hopefully

we'll stop :]

and just.. enjoy it

its going to be the best time i've ever had

i already know that

well unless you hate me. but still

even if you hate me ill still have met you =] and that in itself makes it worth it.

 

**Phil ^_^ 12 DAYS!!!!!!!!! (7:22 PM)**

I will NOT hate you

~~I already love y~~

I'm probably going to cling to you for your entire stay :]

 

**happydan :] 12 DAYS!!!!!!~ (7:23 PM)**

can i really sleep in your bed?

 

-

_Phil's heart is racing as he types out the response._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ 12 DAYS!!!!!!!!! (7:24 PM)**

I was hoping you would

It's my most favourite thought

Waking up next to you. =]

 

**happydan :] 12 DAYS!!!!!!~ (7:24 PM)**

mine too

ugh

:]

its just

how can you be sure

how can you know whats real

i think that even knowing someone irl you cant be sure

but like this

idk phil

im so excited

i cant wait to see you

but im so scared youll hate me and ill lose you

 

**Phil ^_^ 12 DAYS!!!!!!!!! (7:25 PM)**

Dan you'll never lose me

I'm going to bother you forever :]

 

**happydan :] 12 DAYS!!!!!!~ (7:26 PM)**

i want to believe you =[

i know youre not lying

its just

actions > words. and we are too far apart for actions :[

 

**Phil ^_^ 12 DAYS!!!!!!!!! (7:26 PM)**

I'll just show you when you're here :]

 

**happydan :] 12 DAYS!!!!!!~ (7:29 PM)**

how will you show me

 

 

-

_Phil knows what Dan is referring to, or so he thinks._

_Heat begins pooling in his belly, but he subdues it the best he can. He's supposed to go help his father out with moving some furniture around in the attic._

_This is not the time to be thinking of that. Not that he doesn't think of it most of the time anyway._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ 12 DAYS!!!!!!!!! (7:31 PM)**

How about I tell you tonight? =[ I have to help my dad move some furniture up in the attic

 

**happydan :] 12 DAYS!!!!!!~ (7:31 PM)**

moving furniture

how manly xD

are you really gonna leave me alone to imagine all the perfect and terrifying scenarios of our first meeting :[

 

**Phil ^_^ 12 DAYS!!!!!!!!! (7:31 PM)**

I won't be long! I hope

I'm sorry :[

 

**happydan :] 12 DAYS!!!!!!~ (7:32 PM)**

ill maybe forgive you

<3

if you tell me later

 

**Phil ^_^ 12 DAYS!!!!!!!!! (7:32 PM)**

<3

Plz be here when I'm back :]

 

**happydan :] 12 DAYS!!!!!!~ (7:32 PM)**

always

 

**Phil ^_^ 12 DAYS!!!!!!!!! (7:32 PM)**

<3 <3

 

-

_Phil leaves the computer on, and he does help his dad, but he'd be of a lot more use if in his distraction, he didn't drop things left and right, trip over a chair and randomly smile at nothing in particular._

_His father sees it, but is gracious enough not to comment._

_When Phil returns, he and Dan keep on talking about their upcoming meeting, deciding on things they'd like to do._

_Coffee. Dinner. Walking around. Watching films at home, they don't feel like going to the cinema. Playing some games, maybe._

_Lying in bed together, that comes up too, although shyly and in no certain terms now that everything feels so much more real. Dan doesn't ask about the thing from before, "how will you show me", and Phil is too scared to bring it up now._

_And yet, he's still thinking of it, among other things, when he goes to bed late at night._

_He knows he'll want this in real life too, with Dan. Just as much as he wants it now._

_He wishes Dan were here, right here, right now._

_He doesn't think. He doesn't wait._

_He grabs his phone, having bought new credit earlier, and rings Dan._

-

 

"Phil? I didn't think you'd call?" _There's no hello, just this. Dan is whispering, and Phil will be too. They're not alone now, they don't live on their own. But Dan's voice, so soft and quiet, immediately brings a smile upon Phil's face._

"I didn't think so either. I just wanted to hear your voice."

"Me too, but I was too scared to ring you. I'm -- um, I'm sorta freaking out a tad."

 

-

_Phil frowns._

_Yes, he wishes Dan were here. He wishes he could soothe that worry already. Both Dan's and his._

-

 

"Why?"

"It's stupid really, I keep thinking like, what if you don't like me and I push things too far, or... Or... What if you don't like me and you don't want me to stay there overnight and I have to find a hotel and I can't and I end up sleeping on the train station for two nights? Or... Or that I just... That I just... That I _like_ you so bloody much and you don't like me back and then all of this, all this, I don't know what I'll do, y'know? What will I do if you don't want me too, Phil?"

 

-

 **_Fuck_ ** _._

_Why are they so fucking far apart? Why? Why?_

_Twelve days, twelve days that he's felt so excited about, suddenly feel like a fucking lifetime._

-

 

" _Fucking hell,_ Dan. I _do_ want you. So much." _Phil is being too loud, he realises, but he can't bring himself to care now._ "All these things you say, they won't happen, and do you know how I know? I know because -- I've never felt this way, not for anyone, honestly, never, I'm not lying, I mean it Dan, I mean it."

 

-

_He's this close to **saying it**._

_He won't say it._

_He wants to say it while he looks Dan in the eyes. He wants to say it and follow it with a kiss._

_He wants it to be real._

-

 

 _There's a strain in Dan's voice as he speaks now._ "I've never -- no, I mean, me too. Me too, Phil."

"Don't be scared Dan. Please?"

"I'll try."

"Try _hard_."

"Aren't _you_ scared?"

"I am. But I'm just as excited."

"What if I ask you for too much? You've gotta tell me to back off, Phil, if I like -- if I come off as creepy or something --"

"You won't. You couldn't."

"How would you even know?"

"Because I -- I want all the same things as you, I mean, I hope I do. I think I -- I might want _more_ , even."

 

-

_Everything they say seems to have so much more weight now that they really are going to see each other soon._

_Phil doesn't want to cross any unspoken lines._

_But also, lying here in his bed, hearing Dan's voice, breathy and soft and barely above a whisper, Phil can't help but seek hidden meaning._

_Dan is quiet for a little too long for Phil's comfort, making him wonder whether he said something wrong._

_However, the next thing Dan says makes Phil's heart race faster than ever before._

-

 

"I don't think you do." _There's another pause there, too short for it to truly sink in._ "You never told me earlier."

"Told you what?"

"How you -- how you would _show_ me."

 

-

_Phil gasps._

_They've talked about these things, of course, they've talked of little else for the past few days._

_But never on the phone._

_They've seen each other on cam. But never with their microphones enabled._

_Never in bed, in the darkness, with nothing but their quiet voices to fill the silence._

_In the dark, it's easy to make the wrong choice._

_In the dark, it's hard to resist what you truly want._

_In the dark, in the night, Phil decides to reply **exactly** the way he needs to._

-

 

"D'you... D'you want me to tell you?"

 

-

_Dan breathes out a quiet **yeah** , and all of Phil's defences crumble to pieces._

-

 

"Well, I -- I always -- Just imagine we were in bed, but -- but together. It's dark. And we'd be alone."

"Easy, I always imagine that when I go to sleep."

 

-

_Phil's heart is made of liquid sugar and his mind is filled with Dan._

_-_

"So do I, Dan."

"Tell me. Don't -- I mean, _please_. Don't stop telling me."

"Are you sure you want this? We -- I don't want you to feel like we _have_ to do, you know, this. When we meet. We'll do anything you want, anything, nothing that you're not comfortable --"

 _Dan doesn't let him finish rambling._ "I want _you_."

 

-

_The way Dan says that, the tone of his voice, leaves Phil speechless for a little too long._

-

 

"Right, um, y-yeah."

"Tell me..."

"I would -- I would make you lie back in bed and -- what -- what do you wear to bed? What are you, um, what are you wearing right now?"

"Pyjama pants."

"Nothing else?"

"No."

"Oh."

 

-

_Phil imagines it before he even says it out loud, pulling the pants off Dan, sneaking underneath the duvet and --_

_He's already hard, and they haven't even properly started._

-

 

"And you?" _Dan's voice is small and shy, but underneath the fear, Phil hears something more._

"Pyjama pants and a shirt."

"Take it off?"

"What?"

"The shirt. So that we're -- so that we're the same."

"Oh. Yeah, okay."

 

-

_Phil does as instructed without a thought._

-

 

"I did."

"Tell me. Please, Phil..."

"I'd... I'd look into your eyes and..." _He pauses. The next thing he says is barely audible, hidden away by the fear and the shyness._ "I'd move over you and, um, I'd kiss -- fuck, Dan, I'm not very good at this, I'm sor --"

"Am I forcing you? I'm so --"

"No! No, you're not, I just, I don't know how to describe it..."

"You don't have to if you don't want to, I'm sorry Phil, you really don't, don't _have_ to at all."

 

-

_The way he feels right now tells him that he **does** want to, but he's not exactly experienced in this type of thing._

_It's one thing to type things out, having a little time to edit the message or even scrap it altogether if he needs to._

_This? This is **entirely** different._

-

 

"No, Dan, I do, I just -- I'm not very -- I haven't tried, um, this type of thing before and..."

"Me neither."

"Oh."

"Just -- if you _do_ want to then --"

"I do want to, Dan. And I want _you_."

 

-

_Dan's voice dips into needy when he speaks again, and all of Phil's barriers are broken now._

-

 

"I want _you_ so bad, Phil..."

 _Phil clears his throat._ "I'd -- I'd lie you back on the bed, and kiss you, I'd kiss you like softly at first and then -- and then _more_ , I'd taste your lips and your tongue and -- and then I'd stop, I'd stop." _He's so bad at this_. "I'd stop and I'd look into your eyes and tell you -- tell you how much I -- how perfect you are. And I'd kiss you on the forehead and on your nose and your cheeks and... And your lips... again. Your jaw and then your neck. I'd -- I want to leave you hickeys, Dan. I want to kiss your neck and down to your shoulder. I want -- fuck, Dan, I want to taste every inch of your skin, I want you here, I want you here so much."

 

-

_Dan breathes into the phone, sharply, a short inhale and exhale followed by another one._

_A sigh then escapes his lips._

_-_

"Dan, are you...?"

"Yeah, um, yeah... D'you want me to stop?"

 

-

_And Phil imagines it now, the way he does when they have these conversations, only so much more vividly, with Dan's rapid breaths heard so clearly._

_Dan lying there, in his bed, with his hand down his pyjama pants._

_Phil immediately does the same. He's been hard for a few minutes now._

-

 

"No. No. Don't stop."

"Keep telling me..."

"I would, if I were there, I'd kiss down your chest, your nipples, your -- I'd kiss your stomach and -- and I would --"

 

-

_This is it, now, the first time he's ever heard Dan moaning._

_It's a soft, very subdued and restrained sound that immediately elicits a gasp from Phil in return._

_He strokes himself faster, in time with Dan's quickened, ragged breaths._

-

 

"Please Phil, p-please. Don't stop."

"No, I wouldn't stop, I wouldn't. I'd kiss lower and lower and -- and I'd pull down your pyjama pants, and spread your legs, I'd spread them so that I can - I'd kiss your thigh and -- and fuck, I want to taste you so much --"

 

-

_Dan moans again, this time a little louder._

_Phil imagines the sound combined with what he saw through webcam before, Dan's face, eyes shut, mouth open in pleasure._

_He moves his hand faster, imagines Dan doing the same, so many miles away, thinking of him._

-

 

"Come here --"

"I want to! I want to taste you, I'd, I'd take you into my mouth, take you and -- and --"

 _Dan's voice is needy, demanding, barely heard above his repeated gasps._ "And?"

"And lick you... Up and down... Slow, slowly, slowly first, I'd just -- yeah..."

 

-

_The pleasure that courses through his body seems to grow in time with the frequency of Dan's quiet moans._

_Phil has never heard anything quite so hot._

_Phil has never wanted anyone quite so much._

-

 

"Don't stop, Phil, don't -- _don't_ stop."

"No. No, I wouldn't stop, I'd only stop licking you and -- I'd suck you off, slow and slow and slow and I would -- I'd stop only to tell you that you -- that you taste so _good_..."

 

-

_Dan gasps at this. Every time he does that, he brings Phil closer to the edge._

-

 

"Fuck..."

"I want you so much, Dan. So much. So much."

"I wish I was there." _The confession, said between moans, sends shivers down Phil's spine._ "I want your lips on me Phil, I want you so fucking bad, f-fuck..."

"If you were here now, I'd go faster and faster and, and, and I'd -- I'd do it until you're close --"

"I'm _so_ close."

"Me too..."

"I want to... you know... I want to... At the same time as you."

 

-

_Phil, unable to help himself, moans quietly into the phone._

_He imagines it now, imagines Dan, on the verge of this, waiting for him, waiting, and he's -- he's **so** close -- _

_-_

"Don't stop, Dan... Don't -- don't _stop_."

"Phil..."

"I want you..."

 

-

_The noises that Dan makes fill his ears as he keeps on, eyes shut, mouth slightly agape._

_If Dan were here, he could..._

-

 

"Phil, I can't -- I can't hold it anymore..."

"Don't stop. Don't stop."

 

-

_He waits, he somehow finds the willpower to wait until he hears it._

_He can tell when Dan comes, he hears the moan, hears the movement of Dan's sheets, hears the quickened breaths._

_He pushes himself over the edge, coming seconds after Dan, just barely holding back from moaning loud enough for it to be heard outside of his room._

_He rides out the wave while listening to Dan do the same and releases a deep breath, falling back onto the bed with a long sigh._

_Phil has never felt as close to Dan as he does right in this moment._

-

 

 _Dan's voice is deep and husky when he speaks._ "You're so..." _But then, his voice seemingly falters._

"You are."

"I l--like you _so much_ , Phil."

"I like you so much more."

"You don't." _Dan yawns, prompting Phil to do the same._ "D'you know what?"

"Mm?"

"It's eleven days now."

 

-

_The warmth that spreads throughout Phil's body now, is of a completely different kind._

_He **is** scared. But he will overcome it._

_He'll overcome it for Dan._

-

 

" _Eleven_ days."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another one I'm scared about! I think I'm just perpetually scared of screwing up with this fic.  
> Again, thank you so much for your comments, I still have some left to answer tomorrow, but please leave me more if you liked this! You really keep me going :) See you soon with the next one, and please tell me if the phone call format is annoying.


	15. because i mean it

 

**_Two days later_ **

****

_Yesterday was a quite busy day for Phil, and as a result, he hadn't seen much of Dan._

_First, a huge grocery trip to buy things for when his parents are away._

_Second, a house party that he spent sitting in a corner somewhere, texting Dan, discussing what horror film they should watch when they meet in ten days time, until Dan eventually went a bit quiet and Phil was able to spend more than three consecutive minutes socialising._

_It's **nine** days now. Nine days until he meets Dan._

_Today, his mum woke him up ridiculously early by making a lot of noise, packing last minute things for their trip. He got up reluctantly and stayed downstairs until his parents had left, waving at the taxi until it disappeared around the corner._

_Their departure marked the beginning of a few weeks he would spend alone. But not entirely._

_For two days, he'd have Dan._

_Soon as his parents leave, he runs upstairs, changes his screen name and signs in._

_-_

**(11:07 AM): Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! has come online.**

****

**happydan :] 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (11:07 AM)**

PHIL

its you :]

hiiiiiiiiiii <3

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (11:07 AM)**

Daaaaannnnnnnn

Hi Daaaan <3

My parents have officially abandoned me for a few weeks

I'm all alone now :[

 

**happydan :] 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (11:08 AM)**

freeedom ~ xD

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (11:08 AM)**

Yes but my house is scary

I think there is a burglar up in the attic

And a zombie down in the basement

 

**happydan :] 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (11:08 AM)**

and a phil up on the 1st floor? =p

the scariest one of all xD

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (11:09 AM)**

Pshh I'm not scary

Usually =p

 

**happydan :] 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (11:09 AM)**

:]

you are scary

trust me.

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (11:09 AM)**

So scary

 

**happydan :] 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (11:10 AM)**

:]

 

-

_When Dan stops typing for a while, Phil goes to check Dan's twitter, as he does every day._

_Dan's tweets from last night make Phil raise his eyebrows at first, only to frown immediately after._

**_@danisnotonfire i dont know what i want_ **

**_@danisnotonfire still._ **

**_@danisnotonfire why does this have to happen_ **

**_@danisnotonfire i am torn in half. but ive commited. i will end up with the biggest R_ **

****

_There are a few more after that, all in the same tone, and Phil doesn't understand._

_Does Dan not know what he wants?_

_Why is he torn in half?_

_And what is the biggest "R"?_

_Concerned, he tabs back into Skype, seeing that Dan has written to him._

-

 

**happydan :] 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (11:14 AM)**

how are u phil

tell me <3

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (11:17 AM)**

I think it's you who should tell me

I just saw your twitter =/

Are you okay Dan?

 

**happydan :] 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (11:17 AM)**

ugh

i shouldve deleted those =p

yeah im ok

i was just being emo last night

dw about it =]

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (11:18 AM)**

Are you unsure if you want us to meet? =/

 

**happydan :] 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (11:18 AM)**

what

nooooooooo

>_<

seriously phil dont think of it

i dont even know what i was on about

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (11:18 AM)**

I don't believe you

What's wrong Dan?

Tell me =/

 

**happydan :] 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (11:19 AM)**

i was just feeling a bit down last night

im ok now

promise

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (11:19 AM)**

But what did you mean then? with those tweets =/

 

**happydan :] 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (11:19 AM)**

phil really

lets just not talk about this right now

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (11:20 AM)**

I don't want to push you but I'm worried

It sounds like you regret going to meet me

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (11:21 AM)**

Is that true? =/

Because if it is then it's fine and you don't have to worry

 

-

_A shiver runs down his spine as he awaits the reply._

-

 

**happydan :] 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (11:21 AM)**

you only just came online

can you just tell me how you are and forget it :]

i was just bored

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (11:21 AM)**

=/

I'm not buying it

 

**happydan :] 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (11:21 AM)**

buy it

and lets leave it

alright?

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (11:21 AM)**

How does that solve anything though? =/

 

**happydan :] 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (11:22 AM)**

it does

by not blowing it out of proportion

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (11:22 AM)**

I just want to know whats on your mind Dan

 

**happydan :] 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (11:22 AM)**

that makes two of us =p

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (11:22 AM)**

Why don't you want to tell me?

 

**happydan :] 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (11:23 AM)**

because there is nothing to tell

seriously phil

dont you know me

i post emo shit every other day =P

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (11:23 AM)**

But this one is very specific

"i am torn in half but ive commited"?

What does that mean? >_<

 

**happydan :] 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (11:23 AM)**

i dont even know

it was a friday night and you were out

i was just bored

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (11:23 AM)**

Doesn't sound like just bored to me =/

 

**happydan :] 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (11:24 AM)**

well it was

can we talk about something else now?

 

-

_Phil slumps back in the chair and rubs his forehead tiredly._

_There's more to it than that, he is quite certain, but Dan doesn't seem to want to talk about it._

_He'll most likely have to leave it._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (11:24 AM)**

If that's what would make you happier

 

**happydan :] 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (11:24 AM)**

it would

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (11:24 AM)**

Okay

 

 

-

_Minutes pass without a word said between them._

_Phil tabs back to Twitter, reading and re-reading Dan's tweets from last night._

**_@danisnotonfire finale: i will lie. like always. hope for the fucking best, then itll all go wrong. or maybe it wont. but then that future? its not certain._ **

****

_What does any of this really mean?_

_He feels pathetic as he sends out the next message, but the silence is getting uncomfortable, filling his lungs with a thick fog of nerves._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (11:30 AM)**

Are you upset with me? =/

 

**happydan :] 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (11:30 AM)**

no

its just

=/

when i say to leave it

id rather you listened

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (11:30 AM)**

I'm sorry

I just wanted to help

 

**happydan :] 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (11:31 AM)**

you help me by being here

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (11:31 AM)**

Were you upset that I was out? =[

 

**happydan :] 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (11:31 AM)**

not upset

but

my thoughts catch up to me when youre not around.

thats all im going to say

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (11:32 AM)**

Does it have anything to do with me? =/

What you were tweeting about

And why didn't you tell me?

We've been texting all night

And

~~I know it's about me please tell me Dan~~

And I worry =/

 

**happydan :] 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (11:32 AM)**

phil

please

i said to just drop it =/

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (11:32 AM)**

I just don't understand why

 

-

_This is the closest they have ever come to having an actual argument._

_Phil knows he should drop it, but he can't bring himself to do so._

-

 

**happydan :] 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (11:32 AM)**

me asking you to is not reason enough?

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (11:33 AM)**

We can drop it but ~~I don't want to~~

~~We shouldn't~~

If you tell people on twitter, why can't you tell me? =/

We're meeting in 9 days Dan

I'm ~~scared~~ worried I won't see you =[

And worried about you of course

I hate to see you down

 

**happydan :] 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (11:33 AM)**

if i was down then it was yesterday

im fine today

can we just talk normally please =/

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (11:33 AM)**

If you promise me you're okay

 

**happydan :] 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (11:33 AM)**

i promise

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (11:34 AM)**

=[

At least that

Remember I'm here if you want someone to talk to

 

**happydan :] 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (11:34 AM)**

thanks

 

**happydan :] 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (11:35 AM)**

so how are you?

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (11:35 AM)**

=/

Tired

 

**happydan :] 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (11:35 AM)**

why?

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (11:35 AM)**

Mum woke me early when they were leaving for their trip

 

**happydan :] 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (11:35 AM)**

wellll at least youve got the place to yourself now =]

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (11:37 AM)**

Yeah

 

-

_Pretending everything is alright is something that Phil has always been exceedingly rubbish at._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (11:39 AM)**

~~What else did you mean if nto m~~

What are you doing today?

 

**happydan :] 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (11:40 AM)**

talking to you, some revising

and you?

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (11:40 AM)**

Don't have any plans

Might film a video later

 

**happydan :] 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (11:41 AM)**

=]

cant wait to see it

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (11:41 AM)**

When are you making yours?

 

**happydan :] 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (11:42 AM)**

never

=p

i told you

id be horrible at it

i dont want to embarrass myself publicly xD

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (11:42 AM)**

That's not true =[

 

**happydan :] 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (11:42 AM)**

it is

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (11:43 AM)**

=[

 

**happydan :] 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (11:43 AM)**

what? =/

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (11:44 AM)**

I'm worried

 

**happydan :] 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (11:44 AM)**

because of my twitter

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (11:45 AM)**

Well

Yeah

 

**happydan :] 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (11:47 AM)**

you dont need to worry about me

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (11:47 AM)**

But I do

I always worry about you

 

**happydan :] 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (11:48 AM)**

you shouldnt

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (11:49 AM)**

I should and i do

 

**happydan :] 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (11:49 AM)**

im fine

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (11:49 AM)**

What did you mean with it Dan?

Please tell me =/

 

**happydan :] 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (11:50 AM)**

ughhh

everything

what to do with my future

what to do at uni

will i ever achieve anything

boring shit like that

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (11:51 AM)**

That's not boring

And of course you will

It's normal to not know what to do at this point in your life

 

**happydan :] 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (11:52 AM)**

you dont get it

i literally have no idea whatsoever

i have like, what i want to do

and what i should do

and those two are like

polar opposites

with absolutely nothing in common

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (11:52 AM)**

What do you *want* to do then?

 

**happydan :] 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (11:52 AM)**

see

i dont even know

=/

something fun

like you

youtube maybe

but im too boring to have fun ideas like you do

no one would watch it

so when you tell me to make a channel im like bleh

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (11:53 AM)**

You need to be patient with yourself as you figure it out

I know you would be great if you made one

People would love you Dan =]

 

**happydan :] 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (11:53 AM)**

i dont care about people

only about you.

 

-

_Phil's heartbeat quickens considerably. He's at a loss for words._

-

 

**happydan :] 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (11:55 AM)**

and its you im hoping for the best for

im hoping youll like me

im like

basing my whole

idk

my whole everything

on this

on you

and if you dont like me

what will i do

 

**happydan :] 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (11:56 AM)**

is this what you wanted to hear?

did we really have to talk about this

i said i didnt want to

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (11:56 AM)**

~~I'm sorry Dan~~

I didn't mean to push you

 

**happydan :] 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (11:56 AM)**

but you did

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (11:56 AM)**

I'm sorry

And I told you that I will most definitely like you

~~I love y~~

 

**happydan :] 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (11:57 AM)**

but im still scared

because i dont know whats gonna happen

with you or with my future

or with anything

i dont know and i hate not knowing =/

 

**happydan :] 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (11:58 AM)**

dyou mind if i go lie down a bit

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (11:58 AM)**

Of course you should go

And Dan?

In 9 days you'll know about me at least

Everything will work out =]

I'm sorry

 

**happydan :] 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (11:58 AM)**

you never need to apologise to me phil

xx

back later

 

-

_Phil also lies down, wraps himself up, closes his eyes._

_He hardly ever tells Dan, but these thoughts are there for him too._

_About the future. About Dan. About all of it._

_And now, in complete solitude, he allows them to overcome him for a moment too long._

-

 

**dan - 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (7:22 PM)**

im sorry for going all emo on you phil :[

i didnt mean to

 

**dan - 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (7:28 PM)**

are you actually afk or just ignoring me cuz youre upset =[

 

**dan - 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (7:41 PM)**

probably the former

youre not the type to ignore me

 

**dan - 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (7:59 PM)**

oh well

ill wait

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (9:09 PM)**

I'm here

I fell asleep

Dan I'm not ignoring you >_<

and you are not emo

It's okay to feel things

I just want to support you when you feel down =/ especially if I am the cause >_<

 

**dan - 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (9:10 PM)**

youre not the cause

my fear is

i sometimes get these thoughts

i just sometimes feel sad

for no reason i guess

although if you think of my future or lack of it then thats a pretty good reason xD

but still.

i just missed you last night

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (9:10 PM)**

=[

I shouldnt have gone to the party =[

I'm sorry Dan

 

**dan - 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (9:11 PM)**

stop apologising

and yes you should have gone

we're not joined at the hip

im a big boy

i can survive =p

ive just had one of those nights

can we just put it behind us now?

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (9:11 PM)**

~~Are you scared of meetin~~

I should have been there for you =[

 

**dan - 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (9:11 PM)**

you were texting me the whole night

its not your fault im a clingy idiot =//

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (9:12 PM)**

You're not an idiot and I wish you were more clingy because I like it =]

But only if it doesn't hurt you somehow

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (9:13 PM)**

Are you scared of meeting me? =/

 

**dan - 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (9:13 PM)**

im scared that this will all end

that youll nto like me and ill lose you

i cant afford that phil

cant afford losing you

youre important to me.

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (9:13 PM)**

I'm scared too

But if we're both so desperate to like each other what says we won't?

 

**dan - 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (9:13 PM)**

my experience with people xD

most people think im weird or worse xD

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (9:13 PM)**

I'm not most people and neither are you =]

 

**dan - 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (9:14 PM)**

i guess not

i just want everything to be fine

i want to breathe and rest easy

and be with you

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (9:14 PM)**

It's just 9 days

 

**dan - 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (9:14 PM)**

yes and i cant wait but im also fucking terrified =p

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (9:15 PM)**

Me too

But I'm still excited =]

 

**dan - 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (9:15 PM)**

i just keep thinking like

is life always this hard

does it make any more sense a few years later?

will i ever know what i want?

will i ever have it

i dont mean you.

youre a separate category for me

i mean like for myself, for my life

idk

 

-

_Phil's heart aches for Dan. Every day, every minute, the urge to hold him only grows stronger._

_How can Dan doubt him, when Phil wants to be with him so badly, so badly that it's a physical sensation, a stabbing feeling in his chest, a shiver down his neck?_

-

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (9:16 PM)**

I don't want to lie to you and tell you everything will get sorted out Dan, a lot of it depends on you, your choices

But I will tell you that most things I've been scared of in my life turned out to not be so bad once they happened

I didn't know what to do about uni, I picked something, I went with it

I hated it the first few weeks, but I did it

I didn't think I'd find someone for me, but I found you

It all works out in the end :]

 

**dan - 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (9:16 PM)**

and what will you do in 5 years time?

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (9:17 PM)**

Be with you I hope :]

 

**dan - 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (9:17 PM)**

isnt it exhausting for you

always having to cheer me up =/

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (9:17 PM)**

It's not exhausting

You shouldn't think so badly of yourself Dan :[

 

**dan - 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (9:17 PM)**

i try

whenever im about to

i tell myself no

phil would be giving me shit for this

id better not xD

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (9:17 PM)**

So my masterplan of being super annoying is working then =p

 

**dan - 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (9:18 PM)**

totally

youre soooo annoying

more annoying than anything

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (9:18 PM)**

What

You weren't supposed to say that

I actually hate you xD

 

**dan - 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (9:18 PM)**

no you dont

you <3 me xD :]

 

-

_This is possibly the closest he's ever come to saying it, but he still won't say it._

_They may joke here and there, but it's not enough._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (9:19 PM)**

Don't know anymore

I'll have to think about it =p

 

**dan - 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (9:19 PM)**

=[

do you like me any less now because im so whiny? =/

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (9:19 PM)**

Dan the only way I could like you less is if you would tell me to fuck off 250 times a day xD

I swear

 

**dan - 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (9:20 PM)**

that kinda sounds like you couldnt like me any less because youre already at a low point xD

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (9:20 PM)**

You know that's not what I meant! =p

 

**dan - 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (9:21 PM)**

i do i do

:]

im gonna do some situps tonight

9 days is enough to get fit right

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (9:21 PM)**

>_<

I should be doing them too

I went out and got some food for when you get here =]

It's not very healthy xD

I figured you probably won't want to waste time cooking so I got some sweets and what not and thought we'd order in

But I can go buy more food and we can cook :]

I'm pretty rubbish at it though xD

 

**dan - 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (9:21 PM)**

you can literally feed me one cracker during my entire stay and i will be happy =p

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (9:22 PM)**

I can do you one better

I bought maltesers :]

 

**dan - 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (9:23 PM)**

=o

giveeeeeeeeeee

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (9:24 PM)**

Come get

 

**dan - 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (9:24 PM)**

i will

you better nto have eaten them by the time i arrive xD

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (9:24 PM)**

I'll save you like one =p

 

**dan - 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (9:24 PM)**

one bag? xD

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (9:24 PM)**

No, one malteser xD

 

**dan - 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (9:25 PM)**

i no longer think you <3 me

its clear you do hate me =[ xD

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (9:25 PM)**

Noo

I do <3 you :]

Fine I'll save you two

 

**dan - 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (9:26 PM)**

save me four or we're getting a divorce

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (9:27 PM)**

O_O

I'm saving five

Just in case

 

**dan - 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (9:27 PM)**

so blackmail works

good to know xD

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (9:28 PM)**

:[

 

**dan - 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (9:29 PM)**

<3

im actually really tired already

i think ive gotten like 2 hours of sleep last night

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (9:30 PM)**

DAN >_<

You need proper rest

 

**dan - 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (9:30 PM)**

yyeah yeah mum

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (9:31 PM)**

>_<

Scarred for life =p

 

**dan - 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (9:31 PM)**

xD

i think im gonna crash early

do you mind?

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (9:31 PM)**

No

I'm kind of tired too

 

**dan - 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (9:32 PM)**

you slept like the whole day

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (9:32 PM)**

I'm young and my body is still growing

Like a flower!

So I need a lot of sleep

 

**dan - 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (9:33 PM)**

im gonna say that to my parents the next time they say im a lazy bastard xD

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (9:33 PM)**

:[

~~do they really say~~

 

**dan - 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (9:34 PM)**

before you ask

they dont call me a bastard

but they do call me lazy. frequently. xD

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (9:34 PM)**

You're not any lazier than I am :]

 

**dan - 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (9:35 PM)**

i am today

im going to sleep at an infant hour

=/

sorry phil

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (9:35 PM)**

Don't worry

I like going to sleep now

It means one less day until we meet =]

Like if we go sleep now and wake up tomorrow it'll just be 8 days =]

 

**dan - 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (9:36 PM)**

8 days

yeah

=]

 

-

_A thought runs through Phil's mind, a brief moment of fear, that makes him ask himself whether Dan really does want to meet him, whether the longing outweighs the fear._

_It does for Phil. But Dan?_

_With a dismissive shake of his head, Phil types out a response._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (9:37 PM)**

Dan please remember I'm always here for you

Even if I am far and part of the problem =[

I don't want you to feel like you're alone, you're really not

 

**dan - 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (9:37 PM)**

=[

arent you scared phil

scared it wont work out with us

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (9:38 PM)**

I am

But I still want to try

 

**dan - 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (9:39 PM)**

=[

we'll try

and it will be amazing

i know it

 

-

_Is he convincing Phil, or just himself?_

-

 

**dan - 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (9:40 PM)**

ill be on tomorrow

gonna text you from bed

<3

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (9:40 PM)**

Are you gonna be okay? =/

 

**dan - 9 DAYS!!!!!!~ (9:40 PM)**

i will <3

sweet dreams phil <333

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (9:41 PM)**

~~Are you sure you're fine~~

~~I don't feel like you've told me everythi~~

~~Dan~~

~~Please stay~~

Sweet dreams Dan <3 I miss you already. Cheer up plz :[ <3

 

-

_Dan goes offline, and with him goes all of Phil's good mood._

_It's only fair, he thinks. If he made Dan suffer last night, he deserves nothing but the same, even if it was unconsciously done._

_He hates bringing Dan so much trouble, but how can it be avoided?_

_Only their meeting can truly resolve all this._

-

 

**Dan, 10:11 PM**

im sorry for being rubbish. im turning off my phone because i know you will respond and say im not but i know better =p good night phil <3

 

**-**

_Instead of going to bed, Phil opens up Skype, stares at it for a minute too long, and starts writing to Dan._

_Something for him to read in the morning._

-

 

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (10:30 PM)**

I'm writing here because you turned off your phone. Dan you are NOT rubbish >_< I've never felt like this for anyone and I've never even met you

And I hate that you think so badly of yourself

I hate that I can't help you

I hate so much

But none of it is you

I love everything about you

~~I love you~~

There's nothing I would change aside from the distance =/ You ask me if I'm scared, I am but I want to meet you and tell you everything in person, hold you, touch you, kiss you, I just want what everyone wants but with you, because you are special to me

Please don't be scared Dan

I'll always be here for you

I promise

 

**Phil ^_^ 9 days!!!!!!!!! (10:44 PM)**

I hope you're already asleep

Sleep tight Dan. <3

 

 

**_The next day_ **

_-_

_Phil leaves his computer on for the whole night in hopes of Dan replying to him. Dan eventually does, but Phil is still asleep when Dan comes online and leaves him a short message._

_Once Phil does find it, he realises that he's never been at a loss for words. No, not until this moment._

_Not until Dan sent him that message._

_Not until Dan..._

_-_

**dan - 8 DAYS!!!!!!~ (8:41 AM)**

phil

i have to tell you something

 

**dan - 8 DAYS!!!!!!~ (8:43 AM)**

ive not wanted to say it until we meet

but im saying it now because im scared

and because i mean it

and

i

phil

i love you.

 

**8:43 AM: dan - 8 DAYS!!!!!!~ has gone offline.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for this cliffhanger, I know I'm horrible. I will update soon :D  
> Also, sorry for being super late answering your comments, I will do it tomorrow! As always thank you for reading this, and I'd super appreciate it if you left me a comment on this chapter too. Let me know if you liked it :) 
> 
> P.S. The tweets are real, not made up, but I guess I kind of wrote my own meaning to them.


	16. but we've never met

 

**10:14 AM**

****

-

_Phil stares mutely at the screen._

_Minutes pass._

_And they pass._

_And they pass._

_And he **still** doesn’t know what to say._

_-_

**11:09 AM**

_-_

_There is a dull ache in his chest every time he reads Dan’s messages._

_He’s wanted to say it for so long. He was held back just barely, by a thin thread, by wanting to say the words with Dan in front of him instead of typing them out and sending them into the void._

_He never, ever thought that Dan would say it first._

_Dan says that he loves him._

_But does he?_

_Can he truly love Phil for who he is, without having met him?_

_Phil freezes._

_Can he truly love Dan, without knowing him in real life?_

_He jumps in the shower without  answering the message, but the hot water does nothing to clear the fog that envelops his mind._

-

 

**12:37 PM: dan – 8 DAYS!!!!!!~ has come online.**

-

_Phil sees Dan come online, but says nothing._

_Dan can’t know that he’s around, because he’s put himself on invisible._

_By this point, he is proper freaking out. Unknowingly, Dan has found one of Phil’s biggest flaws._

_He absolutely **can’t** handle being put on the spot._

_He’s typed out the words so many times before. Typed them and then deleted them, even though he wanted to say it, hell, he physically ached to make it known._

_Despite that, he held back._

_He never thought these exact words would appear on his screen, sent to him as he was asleep._

_This was unplanned, and he’s not good at unplanned, and he’s got no clue what to do._

_He **wants** to say it back, but –_

_But he’s had this whole – this whole plan, this whole idea that he would say it as he looks into Dan’s eyes, and then he’d –_

_Fuck._

-

 

**dan - 8 DAYS!!!!!!~ (1:11 PM)**

did i put you off

 

-

_“I love you.”_

 

_He does feel it, he knows that he does._

_But what about his plan?_

_He can’t stay in the shadows any longer._

-

 

**1:33 PM: Phil ^_^ 8 days!!!!!!! has come online.**

 

-

_He takes a deep breath. He gently taps his keyboard without pressing any keys._

_He’s only stalling right now._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ 8 days!!!!!!! (1:34 PM)**

~~I love you too~~

~~I can’t believe you sa~~

~~I love~~

~~I~~

~~I don’t know what tsosadsa~~

Dan you didn’t put me off at all

 

**dan - 8 DAYS!!!!!!~ (1:34 PM)**

are you sure

because i feel kind of dumb right now

or

am i freaking out for no reason

did you just wkae up?

 

**Phil ^_^ 8 days!!!!!!! (1:34 PM)**

~~Yes~~

No

I woke up a while ago

 

**dan - 8 DAYS!!!!!!~ (1:36 PM)**

oh

 

**Phil ^_^ 8 days!!!!!!! (1:37 PM)**

~~Do you~~

~~Do you thi~~

Do you really feel that way?

 

**dan - 8 DAYS!!!!!!~ (1:37 PM)**

=/

is it bad if i do?

 

**Phil ^_^ 8 days!!!!!!! (1:37 PM)**

Of course not Dan >_<

It’s just

I didn’t expect this

 

**dan - 8 DAYS!!!!!!~ (1:38 PM)**

i dont know what i expected

i just wanted to say it

 

**Phil ^_^ 8 days!!!!!!! (1:38 PM)**

So do you really?

 

**dan - 8 DAYS!!!!!!~ (1:38 PM)**

=/

im sorry

i know its a bit intense

me saying it before we met

i dont know what i was thinking

do you still want to meet me?

 

**Phil ^_^ 8 days!!!!!!! (1:39 PM)**

What???

Of course I do

Why are you acting like it’s a bad thing?? =/ ~~that you love~~

What you said I mean

 

**dan - 8 DAYS!!!!!!~ (1:39 PM)**

because youre not saying it back

and you havent come online for ages

so clearly

i was wrong to say it in the first place

and ive gone and made things awkward =/

 

**Phil ^_^ 8 days!!!!!!! (1:40 PM)**

No you haven;’t

It’s not like that at all

 

**dan - 8 DAYS!!!!!!~ (1:41 PM)**

then what?

 

**Phil ^_^ 8 days!!!!!!! (1:41 PM)**

I just didn’t expect it

 

**dan - 8 DAYS!!!!!!~ (1:41 PM)**

so youre upset?

 

**Phil ^_^ 8 days!!!!!!! (1:41 PM)**

No

 

-

_This is getting him nowhere fast._

_What to do? What to say?_

_Should he say what he wants to say, or stick to his plan and not say it until they meet?_

-

 

**dan - 8 DAYS!!!!!!~ (1:42 PM)**

you seem like it =[

**Phil ^_^ 8 days!!!!!!! (1:43 PM)**

I’m really not

 

**dan - 8 DAYS!!!!!!~ (1:44 PM)**

you dont have to say it back

its ok

i shouldnt have said it

 

**Phil ^_^ 8 days!!!!!!! (1:44PM)**

Dan I told you it’s not like that =/

~~I just wanted to wait~~

 

**dan - 8 DAYS!!!!!!~ (1:44 PM)**

so you dont mind it?

 

**Phil ^_^ 8 days!!!!!!! (1:45 PM)**

I do

But not in a bad way

 

**dan - 8 DAYS!!!!!!~ (1:45 PM)**

that makes no sense :P

 

**Phil ^_^ 8 days!!!!!!! (1:45 PM)**

I mean that it’s important to me

 

**dan - 8 DAYS!!!!!!~ (1:46 PM)**

great

thanks.

=/

 

**Phil ^_^ 8 days!!!!!!! (1:47 PM)**

What do you want me to say? =/

 

-

_The moment he sends that message, he realizes how daft it sounds, but it’s too late to take it back now._

-

 

**dan - 8 DAYS!!!!!!~ (1:48 PM)**

...

what do i want you to say in response to me saying i love you?

good question phil =P

 

**Phil ^_^ 8 days!!!!!!! (1:49 PM)**

That was stupid of me, sorry >_<

 

**dan - 8 DAYS!!!!!!~ (1:50 PM)**

no it wasnt

=/

i feel awkward now

can we just forget i said it?

 

**Phil ^_^ 8 days!!!!!!! (1:51 PM)**

I don’t want to forget that you said it

 

-

_Why doesn’t he just bloody say it?_

_He could say it. He **should** say it._

_If Dan said it, then he should too, before everything becomes even more of a mess._

_Instead, he sits there, his heart lodged in his throat, a nervous weight in his belly and a tremble in his hands._

_He wants to say it. But **how** do you say it?_

_-_

**dan - 8 DAYS!!!!!!~ (1:53 PM)**

okay

lets just change the subject

this is doing my head in =/

how are you

 

**Phil ^_^ 8 days!!!!!!! (1:53 PM)**

~~Dan I love you too~~

~~I love y~~

~~I’m sorry for being daft~~

~~I love you~~

 

**dan - 8 DAYS!!!!!!~ (1:54 PM)**

actually

im gonna go fix some lunch

back in a bit

sorry =/

 

**1:55 PM: dan - 8 DAYS!!!!!!~ has gone offline.**

**Phil ^_^ 8 days!!!!!!! (1:55 PM)**

~~I love you~~

-

_Why is he thinking so much? He always does. It’s his single worst flaw._

_He can’t always do what he should. Sometimes, he’ll have to do what he wants._

_He bolts out of his chair, runs towards his nightstand and picks up the phone that rests on it._

_A few seconds later, he’s calling Dan._

_-_

“Pick up, pick up, pick up.” _He’s whispering, but when Dan answers the phone, he flinches upon realizing that Dan must have heard it._

“Are you asking me to pick up?” _There’s a hint of amusement in Dan’s voice, but it’s overshadowed by nervousness._ “You do realise –“

“I love you too!”

 

-

_And then, there is silence._

_Silence. Just silence._

_So he does what he always does – he fills it with nervous blabber._

-

 

 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know what – what to do, I didn’t – I never thought – Dan, _I’m sorry_! Dan?”

“Hold on.” _Phil hears some shuffling and the sound of a door being shut._ “Did you just say what I think you just said?”

 

-

_Dan’s voice is small now, quiet, barely above a whisper, barely audible, lacking confidence._

_Phil’s heart swells. Why was he so stupid about this?_

-

 

“Yeah, I – I guess I did.”

“...Wow.” _Pause._ “Really? Or are you just trying to make me feel better?”

“No! I mean, yes. I mean, um, yes to the first, no to the second, yeah.”

“Why didn’t you say so? I thought I’d mucked it all up!” _Dan exclaims, high-pitched, bordering on happiness but not quite there yet._

“It’s stupid, really...”

“What’s stupid? What I said?”

“No, no, um, I didn’t want to say it because – no, no, hold on, I’m not telling you.”

“Phil! Come on!”

“No!”

“I swear I will _literally_ cry if you don’t tell me.”

“I’ll tell you when we meet in person?”

“But that’s 8 days from now!”

“You’ll live!”

“I’m not sure if I will.” _In a moment of silence, Phil hears Dan draw a shaky breath._ “You love me too, then?”

 

-

_Actually hearing Dan say the word is overwhelming. It pulls Phil down and keeps him under, and he never wants to swim back up to the surface. He wants to stay here, in this bubble of joyful disbelief, with Dan._

-

 

“Yeah.” _Phil’s voice is soft and sweet and completely matched by Dan’s._ “Yes. Yeah.”

“But we’ve never met.”

“I know.”

“And you still –“

“ _Yes_.”

 

-

_He hears Dan chuckle lightly into the phone._

_He shuts his eyes and tries to imagine his face right now._

-

 

“Wow, okay, um. I – thank you?”

“Dan... Are you seriously thanking me for that?”

“I _so_ am.”

 

-

_The silence that falls now doesn’t bother Phil in the least._

_It’s only broken when Dan says one final thing before they hang up._

-

 

“8 days?”

“8 days.”

 

**Five hours later**

 

-

_That night, Phil doesn’t reveal what kept him from saying those three words in the first place._

_If there’s one secret he can keep until they meet, it’ll be this one._

_That night, they both send out matching tweets, and yet another one of Phil’s secrets is spoiled, but he couldn’t care less._

_After all, he could always say that it was all a joke._

**@danisnotonfire i love @AmazingPhil**

**@AmazingPhil i love @danisnotonfire**

_That night, they stay up until four in the morning, and it still feels like too little time._

-

 

**The following night**

-

_They haven’t said **it** again, but Phil has screenshotted the moment when Dan said it, and he keeps the screenshot open throughout the day. Their message history is pretty enormous by this point. His computer freezes up whenever he accesses it. Screenshotting things is stupid, but actually easier._

_Like this, with the screenshot, Phil spends the majority of the day re-reading Dan’s confession, freaking out, re-reading it again and then talking to Dan himself, and then freaking out again._

_It’s pretty great, but also fucking terrifying._

_This evening, Phil’s got one thing on the agenda, before leaving for Dublin to film ApartmentRed._

_And he’s working on it **hard**._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ 7 days!!!!!!! (11:10 PM)**

Come onnnn Dannnnnn

You know you want to

Stop saying you don’t

I know you do

DOOO ITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

 

**dan <3 ONE WEEK @#@!#safdsa!!!!11 (11:10 PM)**

NO

i do not want to do it

ffs phil xD

how fucking stubborn are you?@?#@!?!!?!

 

**Phil ^_^ 7 days!!!!!!! (11:11 PM)**

Very

I’m like a donkey

 

**dan <3 ONE WEEK @#@!#safdsa!!!!11 (11:11 PM)**

you said it

not me

 

**Phil ^_^ 7 days!!!!!!! (11:11 PM)**

I am proud of my donkey ways

COME ON DANNY

<3

 

**dan <3 ONE WEEK @#@!#safdsa!!!!11 (11:11 PM)**

im never going to do it

esp now that you called me danny xD

 

**Phil ^_^ 7 days!!!!!!! (11:12 PM)**

But it would be so great???

I would help you with everything :]

 

**dan <3 ONE WEEK @#@!#safdsa!!!!11 (11:12 PM)**

everything? even plastic surgery to remove my ugly face and replace it with a hot one? xD

im not doing ittttttt

give it a rest geez

 

**Phil ^_^ 7 days!!!!!!! (11:12 PM)**

ddddddddddddddddAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNN

What

Your face is beautiful

You are beautiful :] and perfect

Now

DO IT

 

**dan <3 ONE WEEK @#@!#safdsa!!!!11 (11:13 PM)**

i am not making any videos

you can go make one and send me it

that would be great xD

 

**Phil ^_^ 7 days!!!!!!! (11:13 PM)**

I’ll make one if you make one :] =p

 

**dan <3 ONE WEEK @#@!#safdsa!!!!11 (11:13 PM)**

thats so not fair

you are taking advantage of me :[

 

**Phil ^_^ 7 days!!!!!!! (11:14 PM)**

Look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t want to make videos

 

**dan <3 ONE WEEK @#@!#safdsa!!!!11 (11:14 PM)**

i will

in one week :]] =p

 

**Phil ^_^ 7 days!!!!!!! (11:14 PM)**

See

You can’t do it = you want to = do it xD

 

**dan <3 ONE WEEK @#@!#safdsa!!!!11 (11:15 PM)**

>__<

i have nothing to talk about

 

**Phil ^_^ 7 days!!!!!!! (11:15 PM)**

But we’re always talking

 

**dan <3 ONE WEEK @#@!#safdsa!!!!11 (11:16 PM)**

thats with you

 

**Phil ^_^ 7 days!!!!!!! (11:16 PM)**

So pretend you’re making a video for me =]

 

**dan <3 ONE WEEK @#@!#safdsa!!!!11 (11:17 PM)**

that would be like

pg 18 xD

 

-

_Phil blushes, clears his throat, grins._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ 7 days!!!!!!! (11:18 PM)**

Dan!!!! =p I meant make one that’s like a chatty vlog or something xD

 

**dan <3 ONE WEEK @#@!#safdsa!!!!11 (11:18 PM)**

and say what

hi internet, im dan, ok bye =p

 

**Phil ^_^ 7 days!!!!!!! (11:19 PM)**

Even that would be amazing

 

**dan <3 ONE WEEK @#@!#safdsa!!!!11 (11:19 PM)**

people would just insult me

the way i always get insulted at school ;_; xD

 

**Phil ^_^ 7 days!!!!!!! (11:19 PM)**

If they did that would just mean they’re stupid and have big warts on their nose and their bum

 

**dan <3 ONE WEEK @#@!#safdsa!!!!11 (11:20 PM)**

thanks for the visual

i was eating crisps

 

**Phil ^_^ 7 days!!!!!!! (11:20 PM)**

Sorry xD

 

**dan <3 ONE WEEK @#@!#safdsa!!!!11 (11:21 PM)**

if i made one do you think people would watch it?

 

**Phil ^_^ 7 days!!!!!!! (11:21 PM)**

Of course they would

I’d link to it everywhere!!  :]

 

**dan <3 ONE WEEK @#@!#safdsa!!!!11 (11:23 PM)**

look at me

youre like my sugar daddy xD

only on youtube

but no

im not doing it

SORRY xD

 

**Phil ^_^ 7 days!!!!!!! (11:24 PM)**

~~What the~~

~~Dan~~

~~I am no~~

I don’t know which part of that to address first

DO IT DAN

That’s all I’ll say xD

 

**dan <3 ONE WEEK @#@!#safdsa!!!!11 (11:24PM)**

you deserved it for the bum warts

 

**Phil ^_^ 7 days!!!!!!! (11:25 PM)**

I deserve love and affection for being so encouraging of you! xD =p

 

**dan <3 ONE WEEK @#@!#safdsa!!!!11 (11:25 PM)**

=]

maybe

come get =] for both =]

 

-

_And suddenly, the banter is forgotten in favour of the bloody screenshot. Again._

_“i love you.”_

_Phil sighs with a big smile on his face, shakes his head, gets right back to it._

_He’s determined to make it happen._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ 7 days!!!!!!! (11:26 PM)**

You’ll come and I’ll get =] =P

COME ON DANNNNNNNnnNnnNnNNnNnNnnN

=]

 

**dan <3 ONE WEEK @#@!#safdsa!!!!11 (11:26 PM)**

what if i make one and

everyone hates it

they insult me

i cry for 10 days

and miss my train

and we dont meet

you gotta think of the consequences of ur actions phil. be responsible. youre an adult now

you know

go do your taxes or something

 

**Phil ^_^ 7 days!!!!!!! (11:27 PM)**

I’ll go do my taxes if you go make a video

 

**dan <3 ONE WEEK @#@!#safdsa!!!!11 (11:27 PM)**

no deal

i dont care about your taxes xD

i dont think you even need to do any xD

 

**Phil ^_^ 7 days!!!!!!! (11:27 PM)**

Fine

But Dan! Everyone would love it =]

Honestly

Plz give it a shot

I know you want to =]

 

**dan <3 ONE WEEK @#@!#safdsa!!!!11 (11:28 PM)**

ughhhhhhhh

if i make one will you shut up about it? xD

if i like

make it post it and thats it

no more after that?

 

**Phil ^_^ 7 days!!!!!!! (11:28 PM)**

~~No way~~

Yes

Of course

 

**dan <3 ONE WEEK @#@!#safdsa!!!!11 (11:29 PM)**

FINE

as long as it makes you stop nagging me about it xD

 

**dan <3 ONE WEEK @#@!#safdsa!!!!11 (11:30 PM)**

so

what should i talk about

should i just film with my webcam?

what should i wear?

should i do it in my bedroom?

my parents would think im doing some dodgy shit if i ran around filming myself

what do you film with

and edit with

give me tips :]

 

**Phil ^_^ 7 days!!!!!!! (11:31 PM)**

~~You’re so cute~~

Talk about yourself, film it with anything that can film, wear anything because you always look amazing =], don’t film it in front of your parents because it’s awkward xD, I film withhhhhhhh a camera! I edit with a few different things I’ll send you links tomorrow :]

ANDDD YAYYYYYYYY :]]

 

**dan <3 ONE WEEK @#@!#safdsa!!!!11 (11:32 PM)**

about myself

worst idea ever

you make it sound so easy when its totally not xD

so you just sit down and talk randomly? =p

 

**Phil ^_^ 7 days!!!!!!! (11:33 PM)**

I mean I usually have a plan for what to say but I don’t read from a piece of paper

That would be a bit weird xD

 

**dan <3 ONE WEEK @#@!#safdsa!!!!11 (11:33 PM)**

ill just talk about you

ill be like

“phil is cool. phil is nice. phil is a spoon. and a spork. and phil is amazing. and phil is awesome. and phillllllllllllll~”

 

**Phil ^_^ 7 days!!!!!!! (11:34PM)**

Please don’t

Everyone will turn it off =[ =P

 

**dan <3 ONE WEEK @#@!#safdsa!!!!11 (11:34 PM)**

so

at least ill have talked about you <3

anyway

i hate to say this

but dont you have to sleep =[

 

-

_Phil does. He’s going up to Manchester tomorrow, and then to Dublin the next day._

_He sighs. They won’t see much of each other for the next three days._

-

 

**Phil ^_^ 7 days!!!!!!! (11:35 PM)**

Ugh

Yeah >_<

BUT. Promise you’re making the video? <3

 

**dan <3 ONE WEEK @#@!#safdsa!!!!11 (11:35 PM)**

yes yes mum

i will xD

youre so stubborn phil

youre not just one donkey

youre twenty xD

 

**Phil ^_^ 7 days!!!!!!! (11:36 PM)**

Donkey army

 

**dan <3 ONE WEEK @#@!#safdsa!!!!11 (11:36 PM)**

exactly

 

**Phil ^_^ 7 days!!!!!!! (11:37 PM)**

I’ll text you from bed? <3

 

**dan <3 ONE WEEK @#@!#safdsa!!!!11 (11:37 PM)**

yes plz

i miss you already :[

 

**Phil ^_^ 7 days!!!!!!! (11:38 PM)**

I miss you more

~~And love you~~

Sweet dreams Dan :] <3 <3 <3

 

**dan <3 ONE WEEK @#@!#safdsa!!!!11 (11:39 PM)**

they’ll be sweet if they’re of you =]

<3

good night phil. :]

 

**11:40 PM: Phil ^_^ 7 days!!!!!!! has gone offline.**

-

_They still haven’t said it again._

_And yet, Phil could feel it in every word he said._

_It echoed in his mind as he fell asleep, a smile on his face, excitement in his heart._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, so sorry this one took so long! I've been super busy and I have to update my other WIP too. I'm mostly focusing on this one though, so don't worry :)
> 
> Pleeeeeaaaaase leave me feedback :), I'm unsure of this one, it was challenging to write for some reason. Also, I owe you all replies for the last chapter, so don't be surprised if they suddenly happen tomorrow (sorry I'm late with that too, but I want to thank you, your comments make my day/week/life). Today, I must SLEEP.


	17. please come online

_-_

_Phil is in Dublin, filming ApartmentRed._

_It’s exhilarating. Being away from home, doing something new, doing something exciting._

_He texts Dan throughout the day, but not near as often as he normally would. The messages are short, not really a conversation as much as a series of updates._

_Meanwhile, Dan is working on his first video, and Phil should really be there for him. He’ll be there tomorrow, but it’s hardly the same thing._

_The day passes, and at night, as Phil crashes on his friend’s sofa, he finally gets to text Dan properly._

-

 

**Phil, 12:03 AM**

I miss you. The sofa I’m sleeping on is really uncomfortable :[ Feels liek I’m sleeping on the floor! Or worse. Plz tell me you’re still up :[

 

**Dan, 12:03 AM**

of course im still up you spoon

ive been waiting for you to text me good night :]

 

**Phil, 12:03 AM**

<3

I don’t want to say good night yet! How did filming go?!?!?

 

**Dan, 12:04 AM**

i think its the most rubbish video in the history of youtube. xD but its done

buuut i have no clue what to do with it now :[

 

**Phil, 12:04 AM**

Upload it! Duh xD

Or no, upload it tomorrow when I can watch :] I have no more data on my phone =[

 

**Dan, 12:04 AM**

i dont wanna upload it its too shit xD

 

**Phil, 12:05 AM**

DAN >_< I am going to slap you when I see you =p

 

**Dan, 12:05 AM**

great, now im even more scared =[

 

-

_In the darkness that is only illuminated by his phone, Phil smiles. There is an ache within his chest that never seems to go away, a longing, a pull that never stops._

**_Scared_ ** _. He can relate._

-

 

**Phil, 12:07 AM**

If I promise I won’t slap you will you be less scared? =[

 

**Dan, 12:07 AM**

not really xD

you can stab me if you want thats not what im scared of =[

 

**Phil, 12:08 AM**

=[

I don’t want you to be scared Dan

Not that I’m not scared too =p

 

**Dan, 12:08 AM**

i promise im not a serial killer slash psycho

 

**Phil, 12:08 AM**

I promise I’m not one too =P

 

**Dan, 12:09 AM**

still scared

 

**Phil, 12:09 AM**

Yeah...

 

**Dan, 12:09 AM**

do you think itll be fine?

when we meet

 

**Phil, 12:10 AM**

I think it’ll be more than fine =]

 

**Dan, 12:11 AM**

honest?

 

**Phil, 12:12 AM**

Honest

As long as you don’t hate me it’ll be great =] :P

 

**Dan, 12:12 AM**

how could i hate you

youre perfect :]

 

**Phil, 12:12 AM**

You are

So upload the video!

 

**Dan, 12:13 AM**

ill show it to you tomorrow when u get home

idk how to edit it :[

 

**Phil, 12:13 AM**

We’ll figure it out :]

 

**Dan, 12:14 AM**

what time are you getting back tomorrow? =[

not talking to you all day was really shit :[

 

**Phil, 12:14 AM**

In the evening =[ and it really was =[ I’m sorry I didn’t text you more Dan

My phone is super annoying to type on

 

**Dan, 12:14 AM**

philll come on dont apologise to me

lets go sleep

make tomorrow come sooner :]

itll be 5 days tomorrow

 

**Phil, 12:15 AM**

Yes it will =]

I can’t wait

 

**Dan, 12:15 AM**

i cant wait either =x

 

**Phil, 12:15 AM**

<3

Sweet dreams Dan :] <3

 

**Dan, 12:16 AM**

sweet dreams :] i miss you <3

 

-

_Phil closes his eyes._

_He should be feeling excited at the prospect of only five days between now and seeing Dan._

_He **wants** to be._

_Then why is it that it takes him three hours to fall asleep?_

-

 

**Two days later**

 

-

_Phil spent the majority of the day helping Dan out with his video in what way he possibly could, but it’s starting to feel like a lost cause._

_They’re on two completely different pages. Dan hates it, Phil loves it. It’s odd and quirky and random, and Dan looks so fucking cute in it, Phil just wants to watch it over and over and over. Dan, on the other hand, says it’s horrible and wants to delete it right away._

_It feels like he’s talking to a wall sometimes._

-

 

**Phil – THREE AND A HALF DAYS ^_^ (9:41 PM)**

Dannnnn come on

I just watched it for the 3049324823th time and I still love it xD

Upload plz! :]

 

**daniel – 3 DAYS <3 :]] (9:41 PM)**

u are biased

how do you add all these things to your videos xD

 

**Phil – THREE AND A HALF DAYS ^_^ (9:42 PM)**

With that program I sent you

 

**daniel – 3 DAYS <3 :]] (9:42 PM)**

i dont understand anything in it

also i cant seem to cut it the way yours are

its either a long awkward pause or i cut my own speech in half =[

idk whats better xD

 

**Phil – THREE AND A HALF DAYS ^_^ (9:42 PM)**

The last one you showed me was cut in the right places! :]

Plz Dan

Upload :]]

 

**daniel – 3 DAYS <3 :]] (9:43 PM)**

but its a pointless vid

no ones going to watch it

unless they watch it to hate on me

which i cant handle

and i will cry

and cry

and drown in my tears

and.

and it will suck xD

 

**Phil – THREE AND A HALF DAYS ^_^ (9:43 PM)**

I’m going to watch it about 300 times. And then a lot of other people will too

Come on Dan, I’m telling you it’s good :]

 

**daniel – 3 DAYS <3 :]] (9:43 PM)**

im gonna sleep on it and see what i think in the morning

i dont think there is any point in me uploading

ill never be as good as you

 

**Phil – THREE AND A HALF DAYS ^_^ (9:44 PM)**

Why do you say that? =/

It’s so not true

 

**daniel – 3 DAYS <3 :]] (9:44 PM)**

it is true

people watch you for a reason phil

youve got something that no one else does :]

what do i have

an annoying posh voice and a wannabe emo haircut =p

 

**Phil – THREE AND A HALF DAYS ^_^ (9:44 PM)**

Dannnnnnnn >_<

 

**daniel – 3 DAYS <3 :]] (9:44 PM)**

dont argue

im not saying it for you to make me feel better

im saying it because i genuinely think so =p

 

**Phil – THREE AND A HALF DAYS ^_^ (9:45 PM)**

I know you do and I hate that =[

I promise that whoever watches your video will like it

I love it =]

Please upload it

I’m gonna link it everywhere =]

 

**daniel – 3 DAYS <3 :]] (9:45 PM)**

ugh. phil

you are too nice to me

i swear xD

i hope it stays until we meet

and i mean, during the meeting

i hope i dont put you off

 

**Phil – THREE AND A HALF DAYS ^_^ (9:45 PM)**

~~You couldn’t if you tried~~

I hope *I* don’t put *you* off =/

**daniel – 3 DAYS <3 :]] (9:46 PM)**

yes because thats so likely

cmon phil =p

 

**Phil – THREE AND A HALF DAYS ^_^ (9:46 PM)**

It is!! Kinda =[

 

**daniel – 3 DAYS <3 :]] (9:46 PM)**

not

<3

ive told my parents im seeing a friend

i asked my mate to cover for me

in case they get suspicious

but

tbh

id be surprised if they did xD

all they want from me is to get my life sorted and not bother them

 

-

_Phil purses his lips and pauses, thinking of what to say._

_-_

**Phil – THREE AND A HALF DAYS ^_^ (9:48 PM)**

Are you sure it’s okay that you’re not telling them you’re meeting me? =/

 

**daniel – 3 DAYS <3 :]] (9:48 PM)**

its definitely better than if i told them

i dont want to hear them moan at me for doing something that i want

i get enough of that every day

 

**Phil – THREE AND A HALF DAYS ^_^ (9:48 PM)**

Does anyone know you’re going here then?

 

**daniel – 3 DAYS <3 :]] (9:49 PM)**

you do? =p

and like, all of our twitter/dailybooth followers xD

 

**Phil – THREE AND A HALF DAYS ^_^ (9:49 PM)**

=[

~~I don’t want things to get bad betwee~~

~~I don’t want your parents to get mad at oyou~~

Will you ever tell your parents?

 

**daniel – 3 DAYS <3 :]] (9:50 PM)**

i guess

eventually? idk =p

ive got enough on my mind without thinking about them

 

**Phil – THREE AND A HALF DAYS ^_^ (9:51 PM)**

Won’t they get mad then? =/

 

**daniel – 3 DAYS <3 :]] (9:51 PM)**

ehhhhhhh probably

but i want to see you

i cant let them interfere with that

 

**Phil – THREE AND A HALF DAYS ^_^ (9:51 PM)**

I don’t want them to worry about you =/

 

**daniel – 3 DAYS <3 :]] (9:51 PM)**

i do

it wouldnt hurt them for once xD

all they ever do is whine about me

let them worry

anyway

they wont be worrying because theyll think im with my mate up in london

so

you can stop worrying too MUM =p

 

**Phil – THREE AND A HALF DAYS ^_^ (9:51 PM)**

=[

 

-

_A heavy sigh escapes his lips._

_Dan is an adult, free to do as he wishes. But legally, he’s only been an adult for a few months. Phil is only a few years older, but in times like these, he sees the difference._

_Phil knows enough from their previous conversations to understand where Dan’s words are coming from, but it doesn’t make him any less upset to see them on the screen._

-

 

 

 

**Phil – THREE AND A HALF DAYS ^_^ (9:53 PM)**

I really think it’d be better if you told them

 

**daniel – 3 DAYS <3 :]] (9:54 PM)**

do you not want to see me? =/

 

**Phil – THREE AND A HALF DAYS ^_^ (9:54 PM)**

Of course I do >_<

 

**daniel – 3 DAYS <3 :]] (9:55 PM)**

then let me handle my parents

if

or when

i hope, when =[

we meet again i will tell them

but now i just need this to work out

i need this

really.

 

**Phil – THREE AND A HALF DAYS ^_^ (9:56 PM)**

If you told them would they keep you from going? =/

 

**daniel – 3 DAYS <3 :]] (9:56 PM)**

they couldnt if they tried

im an adult

 

-

_Phil shakes his head slightly. He knows Dan a fair bit by now, and that statement was all too easy to predict._

-

 

**Phil – THREE AND A HALF DAYS ^_^ (9:58 PM)**

~~Yes but you’re only 18~~

Then why not tell them?

 

-

_Phil is really pushing his luck here. Briefly, he regrets ever bringing this up._

-

 

 

**daniel – 3 DAYS <3 :]] (9:58 PM)**

becauseeeeeeee i cant deal with their crap

im scared enough about

well

things not working out with us =/

like you not liking me back

etc.

i dont need to hear my mum yell at me that every one on the internet is a perv and my dad that i should use that time to work a part time job or whatever

 

**Phil – THREE AND A HALF DAYS ^_^ (9:59 PM)**

Dan, you honestly don’t have to worry about me liking you back

I told you =[

 

**daniel – 3 DAYS <3 :]] (9:59 PM)**

you did

but i will worry until i meet you

see you

look into your eyes

and you tell me xD

please phil

when we meet

tell me something like

“i dont hate you a lot”

or

“i dont hate you at all”

i cant pick up on social clues xD

 

**Phil – THREE AND A HALF DAYS ^_^ (10:00 PM)**

Will you tell me if you don’t hate me then? =p

 

**daniel – 3 DAYS <3 :]] (10:00 PM)**

ill make sure you know :]

 

**Phil – THREE AND A HALF DAYS ^_^ (10:00 PM)**

:]

Daaannnnn...

 

**daniel – 3 DAYS <3 :]] (10:01 PM)**

phillllllll...

seriously

its going to be fine with my parents

dont worry. plz

i dont want to think about it.

 

**Phil – THREE AND A HALF DAYS ^_^ (10:01 PM)**

=[

 

-

_With another sigh, Phil slumps back in his chair._

-

 

 

**Phil – THREE AND A HALF DAYS ^_^ (10:03 PM)**

What do you want to think about?

 

**daniel – 3 DAYS <3 :]] (10:03 PM)**

you :]

 

**Phil – THREE AND A HALF DAYS ^_^ (10:03 PM)**

=]]

Not fair

you know that when you say that I will drop the subject =p

 

**daniel – 3 DAYS <3 :]] (10:04 PM)**

i need to have a little advantage here

as we established, you are a stubborn donkey xD

 

**Phil – THREE AND A HALF DAYS ^_^ (10:05 PM)**

Meeeeow

 

**daniel – 3 DAYS <3 :]] (10:05 PM)**

?

 

**Phil – THREE AND A HALF DAYS ^_^ (10:06 PM)**

Donkey sound!

 

**daniel – 3 DAYS <3 :]] (10:06 PM)**

i have so many questions xD

 

**Phil – THREE AND A HALF DAYS ^_^ (10:06 PM)**

Meemeeemeeoww

 

**daniel – 3 DAYS <3 :]] (10:06 PM)**

phil donkeys arent cats

unless its like a donkey cat hybrid

what kind of weird furry porn have you been watching xD

 

**Phil – THREE AND A HALF DAYS ^_^ (10:07 PM)**

DAN =P

 

**daniel – 3 DAYS <3 :]] (9:41 PM)**

just curious! =p

 

**Phil – THREE AND A HALF DAYS ^_^ (10:08 PM)**

I don’t need to watch anything

~~I just think of you~~

Especially not donkey cat porn =//

Now I won’t be able to sleep at night

 

**daniel – 3 DAYS <3 :]] (10:08 PM)**

xD

i already have trouble sleeping

im scared =[

we’re almost meeting

and if you hate me

im gonna be miserableeeeeeeeeeeeeeee =[

**Phil – THREE AND A HALF DAYS ^_^ (10:09 PM)**

How can I make you believe that I won’t hate you? =P

 

**daniel – 3 DAYS <3 :]] (10:10 PM)**

you cant xD

 

**Phil – THREE AND A HALF DAYS ^_^ (10:10 PM)**

=[

 

-

_They keep on talking until late at night._

_Dan remains unconvinced that Phil won’t hate him._

_In truth, Phil is unconvinced too, that Dan will like him as much. But he doesn’t voice it all that often._

_He’ll have to be brave, for now._

-

 

**The next day**

-

_After a day of Dan running errands, they only really get talking in the evening, when Phil finally convinces Dan to just go on and upload his first video._

_While the video is being uploaded, Phil tries to remain calm as Dan goes through all the stages of grief, expecting it to be a complete flop._

-

 

**daniel – 2 days!! WHAT THE FUCK (8:38 PM)**

should i just private it the moment it goes up

i dont want anybody to see it

orrrr

i could private it when i start getting hate comments

but someone would have to watch it for that to happen

which they wont xD

 

**Phil – 2 days!!!!!!! :]] (8:39 PM)**

They will

If they don’t I promise I will eat my own toes

 

**daniel – 2 days!! WHAT THE FUCK (8:39 PM)**

...

how does that help me xD

 

**Phil – 2 days!!!!!!! :]] (8:39 PM)**

you could film it and put it on youtube for views! xD

 

**daniel – 2 days!! WHAT THE FUCK (8:40 PM)**

yes and get banned instantly

brilliant idea phil =p

<3

keep your toes

you might need them some day

sell them on the toe market

 

**Phil – 2 days!!!!!!! :]] (8:40 PM)**

I’ll keep them for when you need to film your next video

 

**daniel – 2 days!! WHAT THE FUCK (8:40 PM)**

sell them on ebay

amazingphil toe – 1 million pounds each =p

 

**Phil – 2 days!!!!!!! :]] (8:41 PM)**

A million pennies =p

 

**daniel – 2 days!! WHAT THE FUCK (8:41 PM)**

thats still 10k quid

not bad xD

 

**daniel – 2 days!! WHAT THE FUCK (8:43 PM)**

omg

phil

its up

omg

im scared

im gonnaaaaaaaaaa

im gonna go downstairs

yes

ill be back

=[[[

sakdhahdsda

yes

brb

sorry

 

**Phil – 2 days!!!!!!! :]] (8:43 PM)**

Whaaattt

Don’t go =[

 

-

_But Dan is already gone. Most probably freaking out._

_Phil remembers his very first video. He wasn’t too scared back then, because almost nobody would watch it, so it wasn’t a big deal. Now, YouTube was starting to become bigger every year, so Dan’s video will likely have a few viewers._

_He sends out a tweet, asking his subscribers to check out Dan’s channel, and puts on the video himself, watching it for the twentieth time._

_Dan called it HELLO INTERNET. Phil smiles upon seeing the title and reading the description._

_He watches the whole thing, smiling throughout, and makes sure to rate the video five stars as well as leave a supportive comment._

_Then, he refreshes the page, and finds his comment already buried in a flurry of others. His smile grows even wider._

_Without a thought, he texts Dan._

_-_

**Phil, 9:10 PM**

Get back here Dan =] You need to see this!! =]]

 

-

_Five minutes later, his Skype alerts him of an incoming file. It’s a screenshot._

_Dan’s mailbox. Filled with emails from YouTube. Subscriptions and comments._

_Phil’s smile is so wide that his cheeks are starting to hurt._

-

 

**Phil – 2 days!!!!!!! :]] (9:16 PM)**

I don’t want to say I told you so

But I TOLD YOU SO :]

 

**daniel – 2 days!! WHAT THE FUCK (9:16 PM)**

omg

what the fuck

there are so many comments

and the views are stuck at 304

that happens to your videos too right?

 

**Phil – 2 days!!!!!!! :]] (9:16 PM)**

Yeah it’s just a thing youtube does

 

**daniel – 2 days!! WHAT THE FUCK (9:16 PM)**

people arent insulting me in the comments

what

im like

in shock xD

**Phil – 2 days!!!!!!! :]] (9:17 PM)**

Why would they insult you >_< it’s an awesome video!! <3

 

**daniel – 2 days!! WHAT THE FUCK (9:17 PM)**

its rubbish BUT PHIL

PEOPLE DONT HATE IT =]

omg

you left me a comment too

awwwwwww <3

im losing it

im gonna cry

wow

and you tweeted my channel sjdhasjdsa whyyyy

i dont deserve you

<3

at all

 

**Phil – 2 days!!!!!!! :]] (9:17 PM)**

=]]]]]]

I’m going to leave a comment on every video of yours until you get bored xD

 

**daniel – 2 days!! WHAT THE FUCK (9:17 PM)**

i never said id make another one

=p

 

**Phil – 2 days!!!!!!! :]] (9:17 PM)**

You have to now! Look how much people love it :]

 

**daniel – 2 days!! WHAT THE FUCK (9:19 PM)**

ive got

  1. many. emails.



from youtube

wtfffffffff =oo

this is amazing

and its all thanks to you =]

even if i never make another vid

i wont forget this

thank you phil <3

 

**Phil – 2 days!!!!!!! :]] (9:20 PM)**

Thank yourself!! It’s you that made it =]

 

**daniel – 2 days!! WHAT THE FUCK (9:20 PM)**

its you that made me make it

omg

im gaining subscribers still :]

wow

i dont know what to say

 

**Phil – 2 days!!!!!!! :]] (9:20 PM)**

I’m happy for you Dan :]]

 

**daniel – 2 days!! WHAT THE FUCK (9:21PM)**

its all on you phil

all on you. <3

 

-

_Dan stays up long after Phil goes to sleep, Phil knows, but that doesn’t surprise him at all._

_For the first time this week, Phil falls asleep serenely happy, without fear in his mind, because he did something good for Dan – something tangible, real – something that truly made him happy._

_He encouraged him, and Dan was delighted._

_Fear could wait. Tonight, tonight was a good night._

-

 

 

**One day later**

 

-

_That serenity from one night ago?_

_Did **not** last him long. Nope. _

_Time passes far too quickly and far too slowly all at once._

_On the seventeenth, Phil made sure to mostly speak about Dan’s future youtube success, discussing video plans and other things that Dan, suddenly, developed a gigantic interest in. He asked a lot of questions and kept encouraging Dan where he could, steering clear of subjects that involved Monday._

_Monday. When they would meet in real life._

_Monday. **Tomorrow**._

_Today, as Dan went to get some stuff sorted in town, Phil is spending his day frantically cleaning, tossing things underneath the bed only to realise that’s stupid, he’ll have to put them away properly, then standing there stumped, not knowing where to put them._

_He ends up throwing all of his crap into Martyn’s room. It’s not like he’s going to sleep there this week._

_He cleans the lounge and the kitchen, both a mess after over a week without his parents. He cleans the hall. He keeps throwing spare things into Martyn’s room, then locks it and hides the key, in case Dan will want to see it._

_By the end of the night, he forgets where he hid the key._

_He spends a lot of time in front of the mirror, playing with his hair, surveying his stomach and hating himself for never working out, testing out different clothes, pondering what Dan might like best._

_He doesn’t even notice that Dan hasn’t been texting him for the past few hours. He’s too absorbed in his own state of panic, hurry and excitement, too focused on his own thoughts to allow him to truly register the passage of time._

**_Tomorrow._ ** _They’re meeting **tomorrow.**_

_When he finally climbs upstairs, sits in front of the computer and signs in to Skype, messages from Dan start popping up._

-

 

**dan – TOMORROW O_O (7:11 PM)**

phillll

im home

i dont have credit

gotta buy some tomorrow

why are you offline =[

plz come online

 

**dan – TOMORROW O_O (8:37 PM)**

ive spent. the whole day. flipping the FUCK out xD

please come online and talk to me

phil

what are you doing

please tell me youre not cleaning

i told you you dont have to =p

 

**dan – TOMORROW O_O (9:01 PM)**

phil =[

have mercy plz

im sitting here thinking like

hes gonna hate me. he wont like meee he’ll hate me

no he wont hate me

yes he will

am i weird xD

 

**dan – TOMORROW O_O (9:58 PM)**

phil :[

stop cleaning or whatever

talk to me plz

 

-

_As he is replying, a new message appears._

-

 

**dan – TOMORROW O_O (11:21 PM)**

i should sleep soon cause train is at 9 and i need to get there and finish packing

 

**Phil – ONE DAY :]]]] (11:21 PM)**

Daaaan I’m sorry

I’ve been tidying and all =[

I promise I won’t hate you

~~I’m scared too~~

~~I’ve been freaking out the whol~~

~~I know how you feel~~

I feel scared too =/

but I’m sure it’ll be fine

 

**dan – TOMORROW O_O (11:21 PM)**

=[

im freaking out

were you seriously tidying the whole evening

i thought youd gone and changed your mind and didnt wanna talk to me =[

 

**Phil – ONE DAY :]]]] (11:22 PM)**

I would never do that =[

I cleaned like the whole house

~~Apart from my brother’s room~~

~~And I’ve been deciding what to wea~~

It has to look presentable for you :] =p

 

**dan – TOMORROW O_O (11:22 PM)**

phil i seriously couldnt care less if you had a rubbish bin for a bed

i just want to see you

 

**Phil – ONE DAY :]]]] (11:23 PM)**

Me too

Tomorrow

How many hours is it now?

 

**dan – TOMORROW O_O (11:23 PM)**

a bit over 12..

=x

 

-

_Phil’s heart is racing, mind swimming with the thought that tomorrow, this will all be real._

_He will have met Dan in real life. No screens, no cheap microphones distorting their voices, just the real thing._

_He wants this, more than anything._

_He also fears it more than anything too._

-

 

**Phil – ONE DAY :]]]] (11:25 PM)**

So I’ll pick you up in Manchester when your train arrives? =]

Please text me from the train so I know where to find you

Train stations are so confusing xD

One time my mum lost me at the train station and I cried so hard the lady there gave me all her sweets that she was meant to give to her grandson =[

 

**dan – TOMORROW O_O (7:15 PM)**

oh phil... xD

yes i will text you

just need to buy credit tomorrow

but

what if you see me at the station and you dont like me? =/

will you still talk to me?

 

**Phil – ONE DAY :]]]] (11:26 PM)**

I told you

I will more than like you

~~I already love you~~

I already like everything about you Dan, meeting you  will just make it better :]

 

**dan – TOMORROW O_O (11:27 PM)**

i know you told me

but

thing is

if i go tomorrow

and you hate me

this is all over =/

and im

ehhhh

i meant it

you know

youre so fucking important to me phil

and im so scared

maybe we should cancel

meet later

or something =/

i dont want to lose this

i dont want to lose you

 

_-_

_“maybe we should cancel”_

_Phil reads the message over and over, until the words are burned into his brain._

_Yes, he is scared. But cancel? No, he never considered that. He’d go and face tomorrow, no matter what comes, for the sake of having this – this thing with Dan, this – this dream that finally has a chance to come true._

_And Dan wants to **cancel**?_

_Panic, previously kept somewhat at bay, fully sets in as he types out a frantic response._

-

 

**Phil – ONE DAY :]]]] (11:30 PM)**

Dan

You won’t lose me!!! >_<

You don’t really want to cancel right?

I promise you we’ll be fine

Dan

~~Please~~

The worst thing that could happen is you don’t like me as much and we stay good friends

 

**dan – TOMORROW O_O (11:30 PM)**

no

the worst thing that could happen is you dont like me

and things get awkward

and we stop talking

=/

im just scared phil

im sorry for putting this on you

 

**Phil – ONE DAY :]]]] (11:31 PM)**

That will never happen

 

**Phil – ONE DAY :]]]] (11:32 PM)**

You don’t really want to cancel, right? Dan? =[

 

**dan – TOMORROW O_O (11:33 PM)**

>_<

i dont

im just fucking scared

you dont realise how much all this means to me

talking to you is all i look forward to

seeing you is like

a dream coming true

and i never get those

and im scared because its like

too good to be true

=/

 

**Phil – ONE DAY :]]]] (11:34 PM)**

Me knowing you is too good to be true but I still know you

We’ll be fine Dan

Please =[

 

**dan – TOMORROW O_O (11:34 PM)**

=[

you always cheer me up

but today im just scared =/

i spent the whole day trying to get some decent clothes

and fixing my hair

and so on

but i still look like shit

 

-

_Warm tears pool in Phil’s eyes, slowly falling down his cheeks. He hates how much Dan truly seems to think so badly about himself. He hates how scared Dan is. He hates how scared they both are._

_Just a bit over twelve hours for them to endure. They can do it. They can._

_They have to._

-

 

**Phil – ONE DAY :]]]] (11:36 PM)**

You’re beautiful Dan

And tomorrow I will finally tell you in person

I will hold you and look at you and just be with you

We’ll go have coffee and we’ll talk and our call won’t drop because it won’t be a call =p and maybe I’ll get to see your smile and see those dimples =] and look into your eyes

~~I love you so much~~

We’ll be alright

It’ll be amazing

I just know it =]

 

**dan – TOMORROW O_O (11:38 PM)**

i dont know phil

i want all that

so much

but if we dont meet tomorrow

we’ll talk some more

and maybe i wont lose you =/

idk

im scared

i should go to sleep

 

**Phil – ONE DAY :]]]] (11:38 PM)**

No

Wait

 

**dan – TOMORROW O_O (11:38 PM)**

tomorrow

tomorrow.

yes

ill go now

sorry

good night phil. :[

 

**11:39 PM: dan – TOMORROW O_O has gone offline.**

_-_

_Phil immediately picks up his phone and tries to ring Dan, but it’s all to no avail. Dan’s not picking up._

_How is he meant to take this?_

_Are they, or are they not meeting tomorrow?_

_He can relate to Dan’s fears, but he can’t see them the same way. He wants to see him more than anything, make this virtual dream a reality._

_He wants to meet Dan._

_He **needs** to meet Dan!_

_Many long hours pass until he falls into a fitful slumber, his phone on the pillow next to him, alarm set in time to go meet Dan at the station._

_He’s not going to give up on this._

_He only hopes that Dan will still want to meet him in the morning._

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You hate me right now, I know. But I'll make it up to you <3  
> Thank you so much for all the love this story is receiving. Please leave me a comment, this time I stayed up till 3 AM writing this. A message to future (morning) me - I'M SORRY. :D
> 
> Also, please vote for this fic in the **2017 Phanfic Awards** if you enjoyed it! The categories that could apply to it are "Alternative Work", "Reality", "Slow Burn" - and of course there are the "best fic" awards too, if you find it worthy. :)  
> [Click here to vote, and thank you!](http://phanficawards.tumblr.com/post/167191119045/phanfic-awards-2017-nominations)


	18. October 19th, 2009

**Dan, 5:41 AM**

im already awake and i feel like im gonna pass out

good start

 

**Dan, 5:53 AM**

youre probably asleep

i barely slept.

phil =/ im so fucking scared

 

**Dan, 6:49 AM**

im all packed

im sitting here

should i stay or should i go?

 

**Dan, 7:21 AM**

fuck it

if i dont go im gonna regret this so hard

if you hate me then at least ill have tried. =[

 

**Dan, 8:12 AM**

im at the station

its really cold

and i miss you.

 

 

**October 19 th, 2009**

 

The time on Phil’s clock reads 8:21 when he opens his eyes with a start, his third alarm ringing loudly to the tune of the _Pokémon_ theme until it rings out.

 

Today. It’s _today_.

Today is the day when he will meet Dan Howell.

 

Dread settles back inside his mind as a thought occurs him; a bitter reminder of the previous night.

 

_Are they really going to meet?_

 

He scrambles for his phone, finding it buried underneath one of the pillows, and spends a solid half a minute attempting to unlock it. His fingers, clumsy even on the best of days, are borderline useless now in his current state.

His throat is dry, sandpaper dry, his thoughts jumbled, drenched with fear. It feels as though his whole future might be defined by this very day, even though in the back of his head, he knows that he is being overdramatic.

How’d he get himself in this mess, how’d he become so invested in someone he’s never even seen in real life?

 

_Does Dan still want to meet him?_

He half-expects nothing once he finally does get to check his phone, but on that account, he is most certainly disappointed.

Fourteen texts. _Fourteen_.

From Dan.

 

He reads each and every one, biting his lip anxiously, until he gets to the last one.

_Dan is at the station!_

 

He jumps out of bed, frantic and hurried, and hits his shin against the corner of the bed. A loud hiss of pain and a muffled swear word later, he stands there, giving his head a moment to stop spinning.

He reads through the messages again. Yes, Dan’s at the station, but he clearly hasn’t departed yet.

 

**Phil, 8:33 AM**

~~Dan I’m so sorr~~

~~Dan I’m up now I’m sorry~~

~~Is everything alright?~~

~~Can I call y~~

 

He frowns, frustrated. This won’t do. He really just needs to hear Dan’s voice, and so, with trembling fingers, he calls Dan.

 

It takes Dan three full rings to pick up.

“Phil?” Dan says in lieu of greeting, his voice barely audible over all the noise in the background.

“Dan! I’m so sorry, I just woke up!”

“What are you apologising to me for?”

“Everything.” He pauses. “For making you doubt and – and – and for making you feel scared –“

“That’s not your fault, Phil. It’s just who I am.”

Phil hears a monotone voice say something about a train departing soon. His heart is beating faster, faster still.

“You _will_ come here, right?”

Seconds stretch and last far longer than intended as he awaits Dan’s reply.

“Yeah. I’m scared as fuck, but I will. I – I figured – I figured I’d regret it if I don’t...” Dan trails off, then adds, as if to himself, “I mean, I could still go home...”

“No!”

“I was kidding, you spoon. I’ve carried my shit all the way here, I’m not coming back now. I _think_.”

Phil exhales into the phone and hears Dan do the same.

“I’m so glad. I seriously thought you won’t come.”

“I did too, up until like, three hours ago.”

“When’s your train leaving?”

“In like twenty minutes. I should go and get on it, actually.”

“Okay.” After a pause, he adds, “Dan?”

“Yeah?”

“Please don’t be scared?”

The short burst of laughter that Phil hears does wonders to soothe his wreck of a mind.

“You might as well tell me to grow a third eye on my forehead, Phil. Won’t work.”

Grateful, Phil laughs too, even if they both sound a little forced and nervous.

“That would look awesome, though! A laser eye. A third eye that shoots lasers at your enemies.”

“If you’re expecting me to have a laser eye, you’re going to be _so_ disappointed.”

“Never,” Phil replies in earnest, despite the fact that Dan was only trying to make a joke.

Dan takes a moment to reply, and once he does, his voice sounds so small. “You really think so?”

“Of course.” He doesn’t hesitate, and it shows through the tone of his voice.

“Still scared, though.”

“Me too. But d’you know what, Dan?”

“What?”

“I’m really _excited_ , too.”

Phil’s heart soars as he hears a quiet _me too_ in reply.

 

Today might end up a disaster. Might end up amazing.

Might end up so-so.

No matter, it will _change_ things. Change them drastically. And Phil hates change, but this time, change is the only way forward.

 

-

 

**Dan, 10:09 AM**

im on the train now

im sat across from some angry businessman whom i accidentally kicked xD oops

i think he hates me

 

**Phil, 10:10 AM**

Kick him again for good measure

 

**Dan, 10:11 AM**

i will and ill tell him its from you

 

**Phil, 10:11 AM**

=[ Cheats

I’m headed for the bus station

Your train gets in at 12:30?

 

**Dan, 10:13 AM**

something like that

thank you for coming to meet me =x

 

**Phil, 10:14 AM**

Thank you for coming to meet ME =]

I’m super scared and super excited

 

**Dan, 10:15 AM**

me too. i feel like im gonna throw up all over this businessman xD

 

**Phil, 10:16 AM**

Plz don’t throw up on me =p

 

**Dan, 10:18 AM**

ill think about it

 

**Phil, 10:19 AM**

Should I wear a bin bag for meeting you just in case? =P

 

**Dan, 10:20 AM**

maybe

you’d still look better than i do right now =p

 

**Phil, 10:21 AM**

Dan >_<

 

**Dan, 10:23 AM**

yes yes i know

 

**Dan, 10:24 AM**

i cant believe im actually going to see you

after like what

at least 5 or 6 months of knowing you

 

**Phil, 10:26 AM**

I know... In less than 3 hours

I honestly thought you wouldn’t come =[ Last night I mean

I’m so glad you are though

 

**Dan, 10:27 AM**

cant stop me nowww

i just hope you wont hate me =/

i shouldve worked out more

 

**Phil, 10:28 AM**

You need to watch your mouth now Dan, because I might actually hit you when you come here if you keep talking like that =P

 

**Dan, 10:28 AM**

so scary =p

 

**Phil, 10:31 AM**

Very scary

At the station now! I’ll text you from the bus =]

 

**Dan, 10:33 AM**

ill be here =p

with my kerrang and the angry businessman

and my overwhelming anxiety xD

 

-

 

On the bus to Manchester, Phil has the great luck to sit next to a very talkative old lady, which limits his texts to Dan greatly. In a way, it’s a relief. His own fears, previously buried underneath all of Dan’s, are now resurfacing one by one, and he finds he doesn’t know what to say in the texts anymore, his mind far too preoccupied for it.

 

What if Dan doesn’t like the look of him? What if Dan’s idea of him is completely skewed? The boy clearly finds him a lot more interesting and exciting than he truly is. Phil is not the AmazingPhil he tries to be on YouTube. He’s just Phil Lester, from Rawtenstall, a tall guy from a tiny town living a small life with very big dreams.  The most prominent of which, for a while now, has been Dan.

How much can you truly know about a person until you see them eye to eye? He knows Dan’s likes and dislikes, but does he truly know Dan? His movements, his smell, the real, undistorted sound of his voice. The real Dan.

How well do they _really_ know each other?

 

Different scenarios play out in his head as he nods along absently while the old lady’s talking. The best one, of course, is the one in which everything goes well. Dan likes him, he likes Dan.

But what does he do when first seeing him? Hug him? Shake his hand? Do nothing and say hi? Kiss him? No, surely not, surely _not_ in public.

 

 _Fuck_.

 

Phil resists the urge of running his fingers through his hair, lest he mess it up, and tunes back in just as his new friend is talking about her dog, Susie.

“She’s a lovely little thing, see here? See?”

And Phil spends the next ten minutes looking through four different pictures of a very unassuming dog, and while dogs always make Phil happy, his mind is still somewhere else the whole time.

-

 

**Phil, 12:09 PM**

I’m in Manchester now =]

The woman sat next to me on the bus kept talking the whole time

She has a dog!!!

 

**Dan, 12:10 PM**

i still havent spoken to my businessman

still havent thrown up on him either

im doing a good job xD

 

**Phil, 12:11 PM**

I felt ill the whole bus ride

I didn’t want to get sick on pictures of Susie though

 

**Dan, 12:12 PM**

susie?

 

**Phil, 12:14 PM**

The dog

 

**Dan, 12:15 PM**

how polite of you

 

-

 

 

The streets are only moderately crowded as he makes his way through them. It’s a Monday afternoon, most people are at work. However, once Phil gets to the Manchester Piccadilly train station,  the crowds are starting to bother him. He bumps into people and they bump into him, he gets lost four times while trying to find the right platform, he nearly falls down the stairs and trips over a discarded newspaper.

Everything is going swimmingly. Phil is almost shaking, but that’s nothing. It’s just _chilly_. Yeah.

Deep breath, deep breath, deep breath.

 

He’s at the right place now, and Dan’s train is due to arrive in less than twenty minutes. More and more people are beginning to show up on the platform, waiting for their friends and families, and it makes him feel uneasy. Again, he feels like he’s gonna be sick.

 

What if everything goes horribly wrong? What then? _What_?

 

-

 

**Phil, 12:31 PM**

I’m here now. Lots of people x_x I hope I won’t lose you

 

**Dan, 12:31 PM**

i hope so too =/

but in a different way =P

phil

can you promise me one thing?

 

**Phil, 12:32 PM**

Yeah?

 

**Dan, 12:33 PM**

promise me that even if this doesnt work out

we’ll stay friends.

i couldnt bear to lose that

 

**Phil, 12:34 PM**

I promise, always

Always friends first =]

 

**Dan, 12:35 PM**

always

 

 

-

 

_“The train now approaching platform 3 terminates here. This train is the service from Reading Station. This train will terminate here. In the interest of safety, please step away from the edge of the platform until the train comes to a complete stop. The train now approaching...”_

So many people.

 _So. Many. People_. And a sudden urge to run away, to prolong this, to put this off for a while longer. Suddenly, Phil understands Dan’s previous anxiety. If they never meet, this dream never has to end. If they never meet, Phil’s heart will never be broken if Dan doesn’t like him back.

He wills himself to calm down. It’s not working.

 

The train. He sees it, pulling to a stop, people crowding to greet their loved ones, and then the train doors are opening, and then, even more people appear. Phil, towering over a lot of people, has a decent view of the passengers arriving on the platform, but he can’t  seem to find Dan. He’s got no idea as to which coach to look at; he knows Dan is in coach C, but which one is that? He looks all around, frantically trying to locate Dan, wanting to see him and dreading it at the same time.

He produces his phone out of the pocket of his jeans, deciding to give Dan a call so that they can find each other in this mess, but suddenly, something stops him.

In all the noise, he hears a familiar, although vastly different, voice behind his back.

“Hey, Phil.”

He turns to face the person that spoke to him, and is immediately floored.

 

It’s Dan. Dan. _Real_ Dan.

Dan, whose features seem so much softer in reality. Dan, whose cheeks are somewhat red and whose hair is perfectly straight, but ever so slightly mussed. Dan, whose eyes are big and dark brown. Dan, who is a little shorter than Phil is, which forces him to tilt his head upwards when their eyes meet. Dan is wearing a dark jacket, and underneath it, Phil spots a plaid shirt worn over a white t-shirt. Dan is shifting nervously, staring right back at him.

Dan looks far more beautiful than any picture, any webcam could ever have captured, and for what feels like an eternity, Phil remains silent, struggling to draw breath as his eyes finally take in the sight of Dan, his Dan, standing there before him.

Dan seems to be doing the same thing; his eyes flitting up and down Phil’s form, widening as he swallows thickly and bites his lip, standing there wordless, as if waiting for Phil to react.

 

_Does Dan like him? Does Dan think he looks okay? Does Dan --_

The thoughts, they betray him, they scare him, they come and they go. There is something else to do now, and Phil is not going to wait any longer.

 

Without a word, he opens up his arms and pulls Dan into a tight embrace, holding him close as if he were just a figment of his imagination that he doesn’t want to let go of. Dan freezes, making Phil wonder if he did the right thing, but soon enough Dan’s arms are wrapped around Phil too, and Phil can’t believe it’s really Dan he’s holding in his arms, Dan, Dan, _DAN_.

Dan is warm and soft and lovely, and real, real, so real, _real_.

Phil never, ever wants to let go.

Dan’s hair is tickling Phil’s cheek, and Dan doesn’t say anything, but a small, quiet sound escapes his throat, one that Phil connects to complete, utter happiness. Or disbelief. Or fear. Or all of that rolled into one.

He holds Dan even tighter, inhaling the still foreign smell of his shampoo, and smiles into his hair.

“Hi, Dan,” he whispers, and for good measure, he adds, “It’s good to meet you.”

They pull away, suddenly aware of the crowds around them, the people that bump into them as they stand there, briefly suspended in time.

Dan looks at him, and he looks at Dan, and it’s so much better, so much different, it’s _real_. He sees Dan take a deep breath and let it out in a long sigh.

“You’re real,” Dan says after a moment’s silence.

“I think so.”

“I wasn’t sure...”

“No, me neither.”

Dan laughs nervously, covering his mouth with his hand, while Phil stares in utter delight, smiling at him. He doesn’t know what to say, but he figures they should go somewhere else instead of standing here at the train station.

“Do you – um, do you want to go somewhere? Have – have coffee, like we said?” he proposes, and before Dan gets to respond, he adds, “Or do you want to head back to my house? Or – or do you want to go get something to eat? Or we could –“

“Coffee, yeah, coffee. Coffee always sounds good,” Dan interjects. Phil beams at him, stupidly proud of his suggestion being a good one, even though they’ve discussed this about a million times before.

“Right, there’s a Starbucks just around the corner,” Phil says. “Can I – want me to take your bag?”

A hint of red tints Dan’s cheeks as he grins at him, shaking his head. “No, thanks. I’m good.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’m sure.”

“Okay. Let’s go, then. Up here... Dan.”

Dan looks up upon hearing his name and their eyes meet again; Phil smiles, and Dan returns it immediately.

 

As they make their way through the busy station, exchanging a few sentences of no consequence, walking close but not close enough to touch, stealing glances at each other every few seconds, Phil allows himself to think that maybe, just maybe, everything will be alright.

 

-

 

“What do you want?”

They arrive at Starbucks, and Phil is thankful to find it rather empty; a nice change of scenery in comparison to the Manchester Piccadilly station. Along the way, they haven’t said much, and he hopes that now, when they’ll sit down, they’ll be able to chat. Properly.

Dan blinks, as if distracted, and looks up at the menu. “Um, a caramel macchiato. Aaand... A turkey sandwich.”

“I’ll order, if you want to go find us a seat?” Phil suggests.

Dan nods, then reaches inside his bag to hand Phil his wallet, as if it’s the most natural thing to do. Phil takes it, frowning, unsure of what to do with it.

“So you can pay for my order,” Dan explains upon seeing the confusion. Phil promptly shoves the wallet right back into Dan’s bag.

“No, Dan, I’m paying,” he insists, and when Dan is about to protest, he claws at him. “Don’t argue. I’m _dangerous_.”

It’s the first little joke he’s risked since laying his eyes on Dan, and the effect it has on the boy is rather rewarding. Dan’s eyes widen as he pretends to be scared, then ends up giggling halfway throughout the performance.

Phil’s heart is racing. He has to hold back from pulling Dan into yet another embrace.

Someone that's stood behind them in line clears their throat, which pulls them both out of their own little world. Dan goes to find them a good table, Phil orders, waits for their order to be ready, and then goes to find Dan. He’s found them a spot in a secluded nook of the coffee shop, by the window, with nobody else around.

Phil gulps, counts to three in his mind, and approaches Dan, setting their tray down and then sitting across from him.

 

Dan’s taken off his jacket, and now, his frame seems even smaller to Phil, even though in reality, they are both really tall. They’ve seen each other so often on webcam and on so many pictures, but nothing has ever prepared Phil for this – this _real person_ , sitting across from him in a random Starbucks in Manchester, looking at him for guidance, as though he knows what he is doing. The thing is, he doesn’t. _At all_.

Most of all, he doesn’t know what to _say_. He’d probably be content to spend the entire day simply staring at Dan. There is a nervous pull in the pit of his stomach, and a thousand butterflies are in there, too. And a wild tiger. One that has rabies. Or that’s what it feels like, at least.

“You got a caramel macchiato too?” Dan asks, breaking both the silence and the eye contact to stare down at Phil’s drink.

“Yeah, it’s my favourite,” Phil explains, as if they hadn’t already discussed the entire menu weeks before.

“I know, yeah.”

And there’s a chuckle coming from them both, and it’s ever so slightly awkward, and Phil just wants to bite his own head off, if only to save himself from _this_.

He’s got a problem, a major one. Something he hadn’t truly anticipated until it really happened.

The problem is, _Dan is fucking gorgeous_ , better than Phil had ever imagined. And they know each other, they are not strangers on a blind date. They’ve talked about their deepest secrets and they’ve disclosed their biggest desires. They even said _I love you_. They’re _not_ strangers.

But somehow, they _are_.

“Did you say anything to the businessman, then?” Phil asks, scouring his brain for better things to say. Dan frowns, clearly confused, so Phil says, “The one on the train, the one that hated you.”

“Oh, yeah. Totally, um, I said, I said you told me to kick him, so I did as I was leaving. Again.”

Phil laughs a little too loud, grateful for Dan’s attempt at a joke. Their conversations are always like this, pointless banter mixed with things that run way deeper. This, this is familiar. This feels better than sitting there in silence, not knowing what to say.

“No, right, I’m serious. I _did_   kick him again,” Dan clarifies, “But I didn’t say it was you. I just ran away without saying sorry.”

The image makes Phil laugh even louder, and Dan joins in, nearly choking on his sandwich.

“You seriously kicked him _again_?”

“It’s not like I _meant_ to do it!” Dan exclaims, trying – and failing – to appear serious.

“Are you going to kick me too, Dan? Is that just something you do? Kick innocent people?”

“I might. I mean, you did like, _claw_ at me just then. I’ve got to defend myself!”

Phil’s face burns from embarrassment, but he finds comfort in the fact that Dan’s cheeks seem to be as red as his own. He pulls what he hopes is a scary expression and pretends to claw at Dan from across the table, then relishes the look on Dan’s face as he once again erupts into laughter. It’s not even _that_ funny. They’re just nervous, or at the very least, Phil is.

“I did say I would hit you if you kept being mean to yourself,” Phil says once they settle down. “I owe you about a hundred thousand punches by now.”

“Fatality!” Dan exclaims in a deep voice, referencing a game they both know and like, _Mortal Kombat_. Phil grins.

“We could play that when we get home,” he says softly, then corrects himself, “I mean, when we go back to my house. Or when I go back and you just – you just _go_.”

Dan takes a sip of his drink, smiling at Phil the whole time. “Yeah, that’d be great.”

“What else do you want to do today?” Phil asks.

Their scenarios – and there have been _many_ – ranged from completely to mildly unrealistic. There has been no kissing from the moment they saw each other, no wanting to get back home for obvious reasons right away. Reality, Phil finds, is different – but that doesn’t necessarily make it _worse_.

“I don’t know, what d’you want?” Dan shoots back timidly.

“Anything _you_ want.”

“But I want what _you_ want.”

“What I really, really want?” Phil says in sing-song to the tune of _Spice Girls_.

“You should call them and ask to join the band, Phil. That was brilliant.”

“I’ll put you down as a reference, then.”

Dan smiles from ear to ear, shakes his head and then hides his face in his hands for a moment that lasts just a tad too long for Phil not to worry about it.

“Is everything okay?” he asks.

“No, yeah, ‘m fine,” Dan responds, “It’s just... This is _so weird_.”

For a moment, Phil doesn’t know what Dan means; whether it’s the good or the bad kind of weird. Dan doesn’t let him wonder for long.

“It’s like I know you, but I don’t. And – and you’re _real_. I’ve been watching your videos for like what, almost two years? And you’re a real person. It’s just – it’s weird.”

Phil exhales, his smile returning right away. “Yeah, I know what you mean, Dan.”

Dan’s expression sobers, and quite serious, he asks Phil a question. “You don’t regret seeing me, do you?”

“No,” Phil replies hastily, in earnest. “Of course not... Do you?”

“ _Fuck no_.”

And with that, a heavy weight is removed from Phil’s heart, and along with it, slowly, melts away some of the awkwardness.

This is Dan. Different, but the same.

 

This is Dan. The boy that Phil fell in love with. Different, but still the same.

 

-

 

They walk the streets of Manchester, taking turns carrying Dan’s bag. _I_ _over packed_ , he explains, a guilty expression on his face, as Phil nearly drops it the first time he gets to carry it. They talk, about everything and nothing all at once. About the weather, about Dan’s train journey, about the hideous salmon-coloured shirt they see in one of the shop windows. _It’s quite stylish,_ Dan says. _It looks like a bin bag,_ Phil disagrees.

They look at one another every chance they get, and when Phil gets nervous, he pretends to bite Dan, drawing stares from the people around them. It does release some of the tension, but he then regrets it; he’s being weird when he doesn’t want to be. He doesn’t know how to behave around Dan, not yet.

 

They stop by the Apple store, looking at all the gadgets they can’t possibly afford, and take a lot of pictures, one of which they end up posting on Dan’s Dailybooth. People standing in line behind them huff and puff about them being slow, but when they leave the store, they laugh them off, walking hand in hand, not touching aside from the brief moment of contact when Dan hands Phil his bag to carry once again. _For ten minutes_ , he says, _You carry it for ten, I’ll carry it for twenty. It’s not your fault I packed so much crap._

 

Phil carries it the whole way to the Sky Bar, their next destination, without a word of complaint. In truth, he barely feels the weight.

He feels light, feather light, as he looks at Dan, and finds him already staring.

 

-

 

At the Sky Bar, a bar at the top of Manchester’s Hilton hotel, Phil feels kind of out of place. Underdressed, too poor to afford half the things on the menu, too young to be here on a business meeting, as are most of the patrons at this hour. He disregards it rather quickly, finding solace in observing Dan, the way the boy looks around, mouth slightly agape for a second too long.

They are silent as they are led to a table and handed two menus. Phil nearly chokes upon finding a bottle of champagne that is worth £2000, but he’s determined to pay for whatever Dan orders, as long as it doesn’t _really_ cost two thousand quid.

“Wow Phil, this place is expensive,” Dan comments, glancing at him, pursing his lips.

“Not all of it! Look here.” Phil reaches over the table and turns the page for Dan, briefly brushing his fingers. Their eyes meet instantaneously, accompanied by nervous, shy smiles.

“Let me pay this time?” Dan offers, but Phil shakes his head. “We’ll split in half, then?”

“Dan! Stop trying, I’m not letting you pay for anything. You paid for the trip here, remember?”

“Yeah, but –“

“No buts.”

Dan sighs, falling back in the chair, relaxing. “You’re too nice, Phil. I’ve always told you that.”

“And I told you that _you_ are too nice. To me, that is.”

“You’re like, a hundred times nicer, though.”

“You are!”

“No, you!”

“You!”

“You!”

“You, you, you, Dan. Full stop. I win!”

People from two tables over are staring, but Phil doesn’t care. This is good, familiar. This is them. Phil and Dan.

Not strangers, definitely not.

“I’m glad you still think so. I legitimately thought you’d hate me.” Dan pauses, meets Phil’s eyes. “You don’t, right? Or am I being like, too optimistic?”

Phil smiles warmly. No, he doesn’t hate Dan. He lays his arm on the table, and after a moment’s hesitation, covers Dan’s hand with his own. It’s new, this, completely new, and it has Phil’s heart beating at a hundred miles per hour, but when Dan turns his palm so that they can hold hands, Phil knows he will _never_ regret this. Not now, not ever.

“Maybe a _little_ too optimistic,” Phil chides. To oppose his own words, he squeezes Dan’s hand tighter. The next few words turn out quiet and rushed. “But no. I don’t hate you, Dan. I could never hate you.”

“Really?” Dan’s voice is small, his eyes are wide, his grip on Phil’s hand is tight and grounding. “You really think so?”

“I don’t think so. I _know_ so.”

Dan lets out a chuckle. “I can’t believe you.”

“What can I do to make you believe me?” Phil asks, far more serious than the situation calls for. Dan ponders it for a while, breaking eye contact.

“Nothing. I’ll don't think I'll ever believe you.”

“But why?”

Dan brings his free hand to his mouth and nervously bites his thumb. Seconds later, he realises what he’s doing, and his hand drops back down to his lap.

“Phil, seriously – have you, have you seen yourself? You’re like – _ugh_.”

Their waiter approaches them then, and they pull away, and only then does Phil realise that he’s been leaning over the table, wanting to be even closer to Dan.

“Enjoy your meal,” the man says, shooting them a glance as he departs. Phil clears his throat. He’s not even hungry. Why did he order so much food?

“I’m like, _ugh_?” he prompts before even considering eating.

“Yeah. _Ugh_. In a good way.”

“Being _ugh_ doesn’t sound very good.”

“Trust me,” Dan says, already starting his meal. “It _is_.”

 

Phil smiles, staring at Dan a little longer. He thinks he’s starting to get it.

 

-

 

“So then I said – I said – I said _no mum, I’m not doing it, I don’t care what you say, I don’t care what you do, I’m not going to wear this jumper_ , right? And she got mad and made my dad wear it, but it’s way too tight on him, looks horrid. So then, they were both mad at me. But at least I didn’t have to wear the reindeer jumper with the pompom for a nose.”

Phil bursts into laughter upon trying to picture Dan wearing such a thing, and makes a disappointed noise. “You should have said yes to wear it! I want to see pictures!”

“Of course you do. You just want me to look ridiculous.”

“I bet you’d look cute,” Phil protests, then catches himself a little too late. He’s gone and called Dan cute. Dan, however, seems unoffended, but he does look down at the table with a small smile. “Next Christmas, wear it. And a pompom on your nose.”

“What else? Should I just get on all fours and pull you around on the streets while you climb into people’s chimneys?”

“Can’t say I’d mind.”

Dan rolls his eyes at him. Phil revels in the dissipating awkwardness as they seem to be more at ease by the minute. Dan looks away, out the window, at the city below them; meanwhile, Phil uses this opportunity to stare at Dan some more, finding him breathtaking in the light of the setting sun.

“Look, the sun's almost gone down,” Dan comments, unaware of Phil’s thoughts. “Wow.”

“Mhm,” Phil replies inconsequentially, still looking only at Dan. Sunsets happen every day. Dan happens once in a lifetime.

He thought he knew what it felt like to want to kiss Dan, but he’s only just now starting to realise the full extent of it.

But does Dan like him, and want him, too?

As if on cue, Dan looks back at him, meeting his eyes with a mixture of emotions filling up his own. They say nothing for what feels like an eternity, but somehow, to Phil, it still feels like a proper conversation.

“Where are we going next?” Dan asks, almost in a whisper.

“I’ve got a place I want to show you.”

 

-

 

It’s dark out by the time they arrive at the Manchester Eye, the ferris wheel that Phil wants to take Dan on.

They’re talking more and more now, cracking jokes and sharing prolonged looks, but Phil can’t help feeling nervous. It’s one thing to feel confused over words on a screen. Confusion now, that they’re together in real life, is taken to a whole new level, one that he is entirely unequipped to deal with.

Phil knows what he wants, but he can’t possibly know what _Dan_ wants, and it’s getting to him.

 

Phil pays for the fare and they enter the cabin, finally dropping Dan’s heavy bag on the floor. As the ride begins, for the first time that day, they are truly alone. This time, instead of sitting across from each other, they share the same bench. Both their shoulders and their knees are brushing, and Phil feels the warmth radiating off of Dan’s body, only adding to the warmth he feels inside.

Just as before, as Dan looks outside and admires the view, Phil settles for admiring Dan. He doesn’t stop staring until Dan turns to look at him too, at which point Phil glances away, but he knows he’s been caught.

A shiver runs down his spine. Dan is so close, right there, with him. His thoughts travel back to everything they’ve said, to every little moment, every conversation late at night.

 

He knows now, that they are not strangers. They’re just meeting again for the first time.

 

“Phil.”

Somewhat reluctantly, Phil turns back towards Dan. They have never been this close, aside from that very first hug. Mere inches separate them, and while their faces are still far apart, Phil can already imagine leaning in to kiss Dan.

He _wants_ to.

He doesn’t have the courage.

Throughout their acquaintance, if one can call it that, the courage was always rather limited on both sides. They prompted one another to say things more often than just said them out right; confessions made through weak attempts at finding whether they both feel the same way. This time, with Dan’s eyes locked on to his, Phil finds that he can’t use that same tactic anymore.

And Phil is not brave, not brave at all.

He stares at Dan in defeat mixed with longing. Stares at his lips, imagines the taste of them. Allows his eyes to linger on Dan’s face, still mildly shocked to be seeing him in person, so close to him.

“Dan,” he replies weakly.

“Thank you.” Dan bites on his lip, but that doesn’t stop him from smiling.

 _I’ve never seen anyone as beautiful as you,_ Phil wants to say. Instead, he says, “For what?”

“You know what. Everything.”

“That’s very specific.”

Dan elbows him, and while slightly painful, even that kind of contact sends a jolt all the way up his spine.

 

The wheel, having reached the top again, stops.

 _I love you_ , he wants to say, but he doesn’t. Because what if Dan doesn’t feel the same way? Phil wouldn’t blame him. Dan always speaks so lowly of himself, but Phil is nothing to be proud of, either. He’s just Phil. Just Phil, just in love with Dan, _not-just-Dan_.

“I’m serious, Phil. Thank you,” Dan mumbles, looking away. “Even if you – if you don’t – you know. Even if you _don’t,_ this is still the best day of my life.”

Phil’s eyes widen. He lays his hand on Dan’s shoulder, which makes Dan meet his eyes once again.

He wants to say it, but he can’t. Everything feels so much more real now. The loss would be so much more severe. If he misread, misunderstood...

“Dan, it’s not – it’s not – like _that_. At all.”

Dan tilts his head, a silent question in his eyes that Phil knows the answer to, but does not know how to convey. The lights of the city are reflected in Dan’s eyes, bringing a golden glow to his usual deep brown.

Phil swallows, scared, terrified out of his mind, with a racing heart and a brain empty of common sense. He knows what he wants. He just doesn’t know how to get it.

“Phil...” Dan whispers, closes his eyes, opens them once again.

Dan grabs his hand, startling him briefly, but the gesture mostly brings comfort. There’s a shiver coming from where their hands are joined, and Phil can no longer tell whether it’s him or Dan that’s shivering. Perhaps they both are.

“Yeah,” he stutters.

“I...” Dan starts, but never ends that sentence.

Seconds pass and their eyes remain locked. All that exists, all that matters, all that Phil needs, is Dan. Dan. Dan.

 _Dan_.

 

Phil completely doesn’t expect it when Dan leans in, closing his eyes, and kisses him very softly on the lips.

The caress is short and quickly broken, but leaves them both breathless. Dan’s lips were tentative and careful against his own, and Phil only gathered his bearings enough to kiss back at the very last second. Even so, when they part, when their faces remain close, Phil still lets out a gasp of disbelief, followed by leaning back in, kissing Dan, properly now, longer, sweeter, tasting his lips and memorising the sensation. Phil opens his eyes mid-kiss, etches the sight into his memory too, vows to treasure it for years to come.

 

They stay like that, forehead to forehead, after their kiss comes to an end. Their breaths mix together, and their eyes meet one more time.

“Dan...” Phil whispers, then kisses him again, quick and tender. “Dan.”

“Mm,” Dan mumbles close to his mouth, smiling into yet another kiss.

“D’you know what I –“

No. Should he? Can he?

Kissing is one thing, but saying it out loud?

Sudden dread creeps back up on him, but Dan’s stare, so full of emotion, brings him right back to the start. Memories flash before his eyes, made more precious by the fact that Dan is here now, with him.

He thinks back.

To the first time they confessed that they like each other.

To the first time Dan said that he loves him.

To all the times they’d read between the lines, and they were brave, and they were _right_.

“D’you know why I never said that I love you first?”

Dan’s eyes search his for answers. Phil has never looked into Dan’s eyes, not before today, but he is starting to find his way around them, around how expressive they are, around the emotions that lie hidden within them.

He feels it, too.

He cups Dan’s cheek. Somehow, despite it all, he manages to smile, and it's honest.

“Because I wanted to wait until now. I wanted to tell you in person. I wanted to – to see how – how you’d react if I said that I... That I _love_ you.”

By the end of it, his words are a hasty mess, but Dan understands. Phil knows that he does. He knows by the way he feels him shiver, knows by the way his eyes are suddenly glassy, transfixed on him.

“I spoiled your plan,” Dan utters, saying nothing else.

“You improved it."

They don’t meet in the middle. It is Dan that kisses him again, and Phil obliges, nervous but eager to feel Dan’s lips on his. Once they part, they are silent.

Their ride is about to come to an end.

Still close to his mouth, Dan whispers, “I love you, too.”

Phil pulls away, equal parts disbelieving and delighted, and gathers Dan into a quick embrace, planting a kiss at the top of his head before they are forced to move away.

They leave the wheel together, hand in hand, delirious happiness written all over their faces.

“Home now?” Phil asks.

“Home,” Dan says, “Sounds good.”

 

-

 

 

As they make their way towards the bus station, Phil, in a surge of bravery, grabs Dan’s hand. It’s dark. No one sees.

No one cares.

They walk alongside one another, too emotional for banter, too tired for a proper conversation.

The day has been nothing short of amazing. Just twenty-four hours ago, Phil was a complete wreck. Right now, he feels as though he is in his very own version of heaven. With Dan.

Just twenty-four hours ago, they were both quite certain that they’d end up hating each other. Phil fails to hold back a snort.

“What?” Dan asks, amusement already seeping into his voice.

“I was just thinking,” Phil explains.

“Impressive.”

“Shush!” Now Phil is the one to elbow him, causing a fit of giggles. “I was just thinking about last night.”

“Yeah?”

“How scared we both were.”

“Yeah...”

“How we thought it would all go horribly wrong –“

“That was mostly _me._ ”

“Me too, I just didn’t say it quite as often.”

“You little shit.” Dan stops, as if he realises he shouldn’t say that, but Phil is not offended. It sounds borderline affectionate.

“How we thought we’d hate each other.”

“I thought you’d hate _me_ ,” Dan clarifies.

“I thought you’d hate me too.”

They stop in the middle of the road, pause, look at one another. There's no familiarity in it, not yet. Not for a long time.

But they're not strangers, Phil knows it now, they are most definitely _not_.

“I think... That we don’t hate each other at all,” Phil says, a sincere smile blooming on his face.

“I think...” Dan mimics, “I think you might be right.”

With smiles on their faces, they keep on walking.

 

Something new, something brand new, fills him from head to toe.

It’s only later, much later, that Phil recognises it for what it is.

 

Hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HERE WE GO PLEASE DON'T HATE IT PLEASE DON'T HATE IT PLEASE ~  
> This is **not the last chapter**! Just so you know :)
> 
> I'm late (as per usual) answering your comments, but I promise to do it soon. Please leave me feedback - this chapter is a special one, obviously, and one I've had planned for months now.  
> Big thanks to autumn-in-phandom on tumblr for helping me out with the timeline!!! 
> 
> I hope you all enjoyed this! Time to sleep. Three hours is enough, right?
> 
> Also, please nominate this fic in the **2017 Phanfic Awards** if you enjoyed it! The categories that could apply to it are "Alternative Work", "Reality", "Slow Burn" - and of course there are the "best fic" awards too, if you find it worthy. :)  
> [Click here to vote, and thank you!](http://phanficawards.tumblr.com/post/167191119045/phanfic-awards-2017-nominations)


	19. Different, but the same

**2017.**

It’s finally time to say goodbye.

After several good years, it’s time to part.

 _It’s time_.

 

With a dramatic sigh that quickly dissolves into a coughing fit, Phil boots his laptop for what he believes might be the final time.

Of course, he _is_ keeping it. Phil is not one to throw things away, not unless forced. However, there will be no reason for him to use this old computer when he’s already gotten a better one, one that is both faster and better looking, both of which are equally important to Phil. His new MacBook is superior to this one in every way, with the only thing missing being his stickers, which he’s already stocked up on.

 

It’s time.

 

He wraps his blanket tighter around himself and takes a long sip of tea as he waits for the laptop to boot. Looking out the window, he sees the last bits of sunlight before the day turns into night. It happens much too early this time of the year.

 

He already misses the summer.

 

Once his laptop is finally on, he goes through his folders one by one, deleting what he doesn’t need, keeping a whole bunch of things. He transfers the files to an external drive: video outtakes, video ideas, photos, games, pointless text files.

He’s been doing this for over half an hour when he finds a folder that he hasn’t gone through for quite some time.

 

**_Dan_ **

****

His heart skips a beat. This folder is possibly his favourite thing on this computer, but he doesn’t exactly _need_ to use it on a daily basis. He’ll go through it in spurs; on a lonely day, on a night off, or to find some little detail that has long been forgotten.

Sometimes he’ll simply stumble upon it, like today, and succumb to the overwhelming sense of nostalgia in two seconds flat. That happens too.

 

Phil clicks through the files, one after another. Screenshots, MSN chat logs, Skype history files, photos. A lot of what he sees are random bits of a whole that once made sense; finding these things again, he finds that they _still_ make sense, despite the lack of context. On a whim, he opens a random chat log file and starts reading.

He’s got a whole night to kill, after all.

 

-

 

**2015.**

March

**Phil (10:31 PM)**

Dan!!!!!!

Come upstairs

 

**Phil (10:34 PM)**

Dan I can hear you playing

I know you’re not asleep

Come oooon

 

**Dan (10:35 PM)**

??

what hapepend

 

**Phil (10:35 PM)**

Just come up here and I’ll show you

 

**Dan (10:37 PM)**

nooooooo tell me

im in a raid

 

**Phil (10:38 PM)**

A raid.

You’re in a raid

 

**Dan (10:38 PM)**

yes mum

 

**Phil (10:39 PM)**

Dan you’re gonna love this

Come on

 

**Dan (10:39 PM)**

what did you do

tell me and i might come up

we’re on the final boss now

 

**Phil (10:40 PM)**

It’s a surprise!!! Come on :(

 

**Dan (10:43 PM)**

did you accidentally uninstall windows again?

 

**Phil (10:44 PM)**

That was one time

 

**Dan (10:45 PM)**

so you didnt?

 

**Phil (10:46 PM)**

No

just come up to the gaming room please

 

**Dan (10:47 PM)**

tell me what it is and i will

maybe

 

**Phil (10:47 PM)**

You’re the worst person in the world

 

**Dan (10:47 PM)**

youre not helping your cause phil

 

**Phil (10:48 PM)**

Don’t come then

Have fun with your raid

 

**Dan (10:49 PM)**

k

 

**Dan (10:54 PM)**

what is it

im curious now

 

**Phil (10:54 PM)**

Come up here then :D

 

**Dan (10:55 PM)**

tell meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

phiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiilip

tell

 

**Phil (10:55 PM)**

If I tell you will you come here right now and promise you wont yell at me?

 

**Dan (10:56 PM)**

...

yes

ok

tell me

 

**Phil (10:56 PM)**

I booked tickets for Japan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

-

 

Phil smiles, remembering that moment as if it all took place yesterday. The conversation ends there; it was followed by the sound of hurried footsteps up the stairs and Dan, panting for breath, staring at him with wide, disbelieving eyes and a huge grin on his face.

 

Nostalgia consumes Phil as he remembers all the other times he’d spent re-reading their conversations. He knows now that Dan used to do the same thing, but Dan’s laptop is a total mess. It’s Phil that has a whole folder dedicated to Dan, it’s Phil that now scrolls further down until he finds some much, much older conversations.

 

With a strange, exciting feeling in his chest, he opens up the file and dives right back into the past.

 

-

 

**2009.**

November

**Phil ^_^ Three days!!! <3 (02:21 AM)**

Did I mention that I miss you? :[

 

**dan – 3 days until nov 29 th :] (02:21 AM)**

nooo

never

:]

 

**Phil ^_^ Three days!!! <3 (02:21 AM)**

Weeelll

I do miss you! =p

 

**dan – 3 days until nov 29 th :] (02:22 AM)**

i dont miss you at all

in fact

im having so much fun here all by myself xD

i hope i never have to come visit you and spend a whole week with you

that would be horrible

 

**Phil ^_^ Three days!!! <3 (02:22 AM)**

Dan! =[

My heart is broken now

 

**dan – 3 days until nov 29 th :] (02:22 AM)**

can i have a piece? =p

 

**Phil ^_^ Three days!!! <3 (02:23 AM)**

You already have all of it =]

 

**dan – 3 days until nov 29 th :] (02:23 AM)**

;_;

then its not broken now

ive glued it back together :]

 

**Phil ^_^ Three days!!! <3 (02:24 AM)**

It’s still kind of broken I think

Fix it when you get here :]

 

**dan – 3 days until nov 29 th :] (02:25 AM)**

:]]]]

i cant believe it

we’ll get a whole week together

ive seen you not too long ago btu it feels like for-fucking-ever =[

 

**Phil ^_^ Three days!!! <3 (02:26 AM)**

Not long now :]

 

**dan – 3 days until nov 29 th :] (02:26 AM)**

what do you want to do? when im there =]

 

**Phil ^_^ Three days!!! <3 (02:26 AM)**

Ummmm

We could film something? :]

 

**dan – 3 days until nov 29 th :] (02:26 AM)**

maybe

but lets do one for your channel

my channel + my videos are so shit xD

 

**Phil ^_^ Three days!!! <3 (02:27 AM)**

You do realise I am going to hit you =p

 

**dan – 3 days until nov 29 th :] (02:27 AM)**

you say that but you havent hit me the times we’ve seen each other so far xD

i think im safe

 

**Phil ^_^ Three days!!! <3 (02:27 AM)**

Not this time

Repeat after me: “I am perfect and my videos are awesome :]”

 

**dan – 3 days until nov 29 th :] (02:27 AM)**

“Phil is perfect and his videos are awesome :]”

 

**Phil ^_^ Three days!!! <3 (02:28 AM)**

Now I’m going to hit you twice >_< =p

Your videos are great

And you are great

Fantastic perfect wonderful amazing and so so so incredibly good looking :]

 

**dan – 3 days until nov 29 th :] (02:28 AM)**

can i tattoo that last line on my forehead =p

 

**Phil ^_^ Three days!!! <3 (02:29 AM)**

I don’t think it would fit

 

**dan – 3 days until nov 29 th :] (02:29 AM)**

ill just tattoo a picture of your face over my face then

then itll be at least half true xD

 

**Phil ^_^ Three days!!! <3 (02:29 AM)**

Please don’t

Wouldn’t that be incest if I kissed you if you were me? xD

 

**dan – 3 days until nov 29 th :] (02:30 AM)**

i think not

if i were literally you then it would be something else xD

but if i were you then i would never have met you

so im glad that im not <3

 

**Phil ^_^ Three days!!! <3 (02:31 AM)**

Our conversations make no sense sometimes xD

<3

Plz come here

I want to kiss youuuuu :]

 

**dan – 3 days until nov 29 th :] (02:32 AM)**

do you nowwwwwww

:] <3

 

**Phil ^_^ Three days!!! <3 (02:33 AM)**

Yes plz

 

**dan – 3 days until nov 29 th :] (02:34 AM)**

plzplzplzplzplzplzplzpzlzpzlzzzplzzz<3

 

**Phil ^_^ Three days!!! <3 (02:34 AM)**

<333

 

**dan – 3 days until nov 29 th :] (02:34 AM)**

im so fucking lucky to have you phil

<3

i have the best boyfriend :]]

 

**Phil ^_^ Three days!!! <3 (02:35 AM)**

No you don’t

I do :] <3

 

-

 

Phil’s hand is covering his mouth, stifling laughter. Flipping hell, were they _cringy_.

But Phil remembers 2009. It was a good year, definitely a good year. Everything was new, exciting, tentative, scary and beautiful.

They’d refer to one another as _boyfriend_ every other sentence, he remembers and confirms through scrolling down the messages. Good thing they limited that in front of their friends, at least.

 

Fully into it now, he skims through the chats, pausing on Christmas Day, 2009.

 

-

 

December

**Phil <3 *** (6:57 PM)**

MERRY CHRISTMAS DAN <3

Can I call you? I miss you :[

 

**DAN is happy. <3 (6:58 PM)**

merry christmas!!! xxxx <3

ughh i want to but my grandparents are here so i have to go back down in a mo :[

tonight?

 

**Phil <3 *** (6:58 PM)**

yes :]

Did you get any nice presents?

 

**DAN is happy. <3 (6:59 PM)**

i got some money = more £ £ £ £ to meet this one guy from the north that i kinda fancy

i got two new shirts aaanddd new headphones

what about you? =]

 

**Phil <3 *** (6:59 PM)**

Who is this mysterious guy from the North =o

Do I have to fight him?

 

**DAN is happy. <3 (6:59 PM)**

sorry

you dont stand a chance

hes too amazing xD

 

**Phil <3 *** (7:00 PM)**

I’ll still try and fight him to the death

Anywayyyy I got money, five pairs of socks, a jumper, two books and a lot of questions :[

 

**DAN is happy. <3 (7:00 PM)**

questions?

 

**Phil <3 *** (7:01 PM)**

Yeah my parents and my extended family all at once is a bad idea =/

They kept asking me where my life is headed

 

**DAN is happy. <3 (7:02 PM)**

ugh

i know what you mean =/

what did you say?

 

**Phil <3 *** (7:03 PM)**

I don’t know, that I’m going to try find a proper job

Kind of hard to find one here though =/

 

**DAN is happy. <3 (7:04 PM)**

move to wokingham plz

you still wouldnt have a job but you would be with me =p <3

no but

phil

are you okay?

 

**Phil <3 *** (7:07 PM)**

I am now

 

**DAN is happy. <3 (7:08 PM)**

=[

i wish i could hold you right now

 

**Phil <3 *** (7:09 PM)**

Me too =[ and you were here just yesterday =[ come back plz

My parents said I should think about moving to Manchester

 

**DAN is happy. <3 (7:10 PM)**

do you want to?

 

**Phil <3 *** (7:11 PM)**

I don’t know

I want to rent my own flat

It feels crowded still living at home

 

**DAN is happy. <3 (7:12 PM)**

i know how it is =/

when i go away to uni it will be nice

at least that

 

**Phil <3 *** (7:13 PM)**

=[

My mum told me to tell you happy Christmas btw :]

 

**DAN is happy. <3 (7:14 PM)**

awwww xD

tell her merry xmas for me too :]

 

**Phil <3 *** (7:15 PM)**

You’re like the one thing in my life that they have a good opinion on xD

 

**DAN is happy. <3 (7:16 PM)**

now i feel bad

i really want you to meet my parents too

 

**Phil <3 *** (7:16 PM)**

We can do that when you feel ready :]

At least you’ve told them you’re visiting me and not some friend from school =p

 

**DAN is happy. <3 (7:17 PM)**

yeah but

they think we’re friends

=/

 

**Phil <3 *** (7:18 PM)**

Aren’t we? =]

 

**DAN is happy. <3 (7:19 PM)**

=] yeah

i love you phil.

<3

please dont be sad

im sure youll do fine

like in general

in life.

 

**Phil <3 *** (7:19 PM)**

I don’t know

The future scares me :[

I just hope it has you in it Dan

And I love you more <3

 

**DAN is happy. <3 (7:20 PM)**

im going to stay with you until youre sick of me and then ill stalk you and sleep outside your bedroom window xD

<3

i love you most

 

-

 

Phil’s got tears in his eyes, but surely, that’s just his horrid flu, nothing else.

As the conversations in this particular file come to an end, he opens up the next one, finding their chats from the following year.

 

-

 

**2010.**

February

 

**danisnotinengland :[ (8:03 PM)**

phil i literally have to sleep

ive had to sleep like an hour ago xD

 

**Lonely Phil =[ (8:04 PM)**

Noooo

Five more minutes!! :]

It’s only 8 here

 

**danisnotinengland :[ (8:04 PM)**

yes well its 1 am in indiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

:[

 

**Lonely Phil =[ (8:04 PM)**

soooo

Don’t leave me alone =[

 

**danisnotinengland :[ (8:05 PM)**

i mustttttt or my parents will eat me

well maybe not eat me xD im not very tasty

 

**Lonely Phil =[ (8:06 PM)**

You are very tasty

 

**danisnotinengland :[ (8:06 PM)**

omg

...

come here

 

**Lonely Phil =[ (8:07 PM)**

I wish =[

 

**danisnotinengland :[ (8:07 PM)**

what are you going to do now once i go to bed

 

**Lonely Phil =[ (8:08 PM)**

Cry, cry and cry =[[

 

**danisnotinengland :[ (8:08 PM)**

noooooooooooo

film a video :]

 

**Lonely Phil =[ (8:10 PM)**

I might

 

-

 

Phil scrolls down, down, down, down.

 _Not this_.

 

-

 

October

**daniel (03:41 AM)**

youre asleep and i still want to get a taxi and go to yours

i fucking hate this place phil =/

uni of manchester is a shithole

my dorms are the worst

i live close to you and thats the only good part of it

i dont understand a fucking thing

of these fucking textbooks

and i couldnt care less about COMPANY LAWWWWWWWWWAJDHSJFSDHF

and i need to revise

and i cant because this is so shit

or i am shit

because i dont understand ANYTHING

so instead of revising

im writing to you

even tho youre asleep

i should have stayed the night like you said

 

**daniel (03:52 AM)**

i should have stayed

:(

i hate uni

and im only 2 months in

fuck me

 

**Phil ^_^ (04:11 AM)**

Are you still up?

 

**daniel (04:11 AM)**

yes

why are you awake?

 

**Phil ^_^ (04:11 AM)**

Just had a feeling

Call a taxi and come to mine?

I don’t want you walking at this time of night

 

**daniel (04:11 AM)**

can i?

 

**Phil ^_^ (04:12 AM)**

Please

 

**daniel (04:12 AM)**

okay

 

**daniel (04:14 AM)**

itll be here in 15 minutes

 

**Phil ^_^ (04:14 AM)**

The door is open

 

**daniel (04:14 AM)**

i love you

 

**Phil ^_^ (04:15 AM)**

I love you too Dan

 

-

**2011.**

July

 

**Dan – Killing loneliness with you ~ <3 (12:03 AM)**

it feels like im always counting down the days with you

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:03 AM)**

Soon we can stop :]

 

**Dan – Killing loneliness with you ~ <3 (12:04 AM)**

i mean

i basically lived with you anyway xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:04 AM)**

My washing machine agrees =p xD

 

**Dan – Killing loneliness with you ~ <3 (12:05 AM)**

oi

youre the one always stealing my underwear

least i can get in return is a place to wash it at xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:05 AM)**

Excuse me

It’s you always stealing my clothes! =p

 

**Dan – Killing loneliness with you ~ <3 (12:05 AM)**

no you

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:06 AM)**

... No YOU

 

**Dan – Killing loneliness with you ~ <3 (12:06 AM)**

you

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:06 AM)**

YOU

 

**Dan – Killing loneliness with you ~ <3 (12:06 AM)**

you

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:06 AM)**

YOU

 

**Dan – Killing loneliness with you ~ <3 (12:06 AM)**

you

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:07 AM)**

YOU

 

**Dan – Killing loneliness with you ~ <3 (12:07 AM)**

you fullstop

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:07 AM)**

=[

I always lose these

I think we have to reconsider moving in together

 

**Dan – Killing loneliness with you ~ <3 (12:08 AM)**

dont even joke like that

my heart literally stopped

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:08 AM)**

Does that mean you’re a vampire now?

Also sorry :[ <3

You know I can’t wait

 

**Dan – Killing loneliness with you ~ <3 (12:08 AM)**

yes im a vampire

im gonna eat you when i see you

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:09 AM)**

=o

In a sexy way or a cannibal way? =p

 

**Dan – Killing loneliness with you ~ <3 (12:09 AM)**

come on phil

i was trying to start something here

and you mention cannibals xD

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:09 AM)**

Sorrryyy xD I’m just distracted thinking about next week

 

**Dan – Killing loneliness with you ~ <3 (12:10 AM)**

im offended

but only mildly xD

im excited too

can you imagine it

after 2 years

i finally wont have to go anywhere

can just be with you =]

or well ill have to try get a job probably

and figure out the uni thing

but ill always get to sleep next to you :]

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:11 AM)**

I can’t imagine it

But I’m happy :]

I hope you won’t hate living with me

 

**Dan – Killing loneliness with you ~ <3 (12:11 AM)**

im prepared phil

its ok

i already know you eat my food and leave all the cupboards open

and you leave your socks all over the place

anddddd

you snore if we’ve been drinking that night

but only a little =p

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:13 AM)**

What?? :[

You never told me >_< omg

I’m never going to sleep again

Or drink

 

**Dan – Killing loneliness with you ~ <3 (12:13 AM)**

i dont mind it

its kinda cute =]

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:14 AM)**

Will it still be cute in 5 years? =p

 

**Dan – Killing loneliness with you ~ <3 (12:15 AM)**

itll still be you

so yeah :]

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:16 AM)**

You’re too sweet today

Something is wrong xD

 

**Dan – Killing loneliness with you ~ <3 (12:16 AM)**

pfff

im just

happy i guess :]

everything else may be up in flames

but i have you

thats all that matters

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:17 AM)**

:)

We can handle the flames together

I think

And hope =P

 

**Dan – Killing loneliness with you ~ <3 (12:17 AM)**

please dont make a pun about my youtube username now

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:18 AM)**

Noo, missed my chance =p

 

**Dan – Killing loneliness with you ~ <3 (12:18 AM)**

yes you did

 

**Phil ^_^ (12:20 AM)**

Sooooooo

What was that you were saying earlier before I accidentally ruined everything? :] :x

 

**Dan – Killing loneliness with you ~ <3 (12:21AM)**

:]]

call me

i fucking want you

 

-

 

Phil’s cheeks are still hot as he scrolls down past conversations that become much less frequent. He finally reaches the end of the file, ending it with an inconsequential discussion about which brand of butter Dan should get while at the store.

 

After they moved in together, Skype played a smaller role in their lives; however, whenever they were apart, it was still helpful. Many new programs and apps came around, but they stuck to Skype. Out of nostalgia, if nothing else.

Sometimes, they used Skype even though they could just speak to each other. When they were lazy. When they were in public. When things were bad.

Phil’s memory drifts back to a difficult time in their lives, when they traded Manchester for London, and when everything suddenly went so wrong.

 

He doesn’t want to read that, but as if in a trance, he still opens the next file.

 

-

 

**2012.**

November.

**Dan (8:44 PM)**

theyre fucking sharing it again

 

**Phil (8:46 PM)**

Send me the link

 

**Dan (8:47 PM)**

i already claimed that one

its gonna be down in a min

 

**Phil (8:47 PM)**

Thank you Dan

 

**Dan (8:48 PM)**

im so sick of this

so sick of them posting the video all the time

 

**Phil (8:48 PM)**

I know

Want to come watch something in bed?

 

**Dan (8:49 PM)**

no

 

**Dan (8:51 PM)**

im gonna reply to some tumblr asks

 

**Phil (8:52 PM)**

I know it sucks Dan but we just have to endure it

They’ll get bored of it

 

**Dan (8:52 PM)**

will they

i wonder

 

**Phil (8:55 PM)**

Come to bed? We can watch some Game of Thrones

 

**Dan (8:55 PM)**

no im gonna stay for now

 

**Phil (8:56 PM)**

Okay

 

-

 

There is more, but Phil can’t stand to read it now. He closes the file and counts to ten in his head, remembering that this was five years ago. That this isn’t them anymore.

That in about an hour, Dan will be home, with him.

 

Desperate to see something happier, he skips ahead. Not everything was bad, he knows. Their careers really started to take off around that time. Dreams started to come true. But the breach, the breach between them took a little time to close. He doesn’t like to think back to it.

The next conversations he reads are from 2014, but the first one he finds is not all that cheerful either.

 

-

 

**2014.**

May.

**Phil (10:21 AM)**

Dan? I made you some breakfast

Do you want to come eat?

 

**Phil (10:24 AM)**

Should I bring it to the bedroom?

 

**Phil (10:27 AM)**

Okay, just let me know if you’re hungry

 

**Dan (11:03 AM)**

i just want to sleep

 

**Phil (11:04 AM)**

That’s alright Dan

Can I do anything?

 

**Dan (11:04 AM)**

im just tired...

 

**Phil (11:05 AM)**

I know

 

**Dan (11:09 AM)**

we should be filming today

 

**Phil (11:09 AM)**

We can film tomorrow

 

**Dan (11:12 AM)**

we had a plan

 

**Phil (11:12 AM)**

We can make a new plan

 

**Dan (11:19 AM)**

you dont mind?

 

**Phil (11:19 AM)**

I really don’t

I know it isn’t easy sometimes

 

**Dan (11:19 AM)**

then ill sleep

 

**Phil (11:19 AM)**

Okay, let me know if you want some food or water

 

**Dan (11:31 AM)**

phil

 

**Phil (11:31 AM)**

Yeah?

 

**Dan (11:34 AM)**

come sleep with me?

lets not talk

just sleep

today is for sleep

maybe tomorrow will be better

 

**Phil (11:34 AM)**

Coming

 

-

September.

 

**Dan (9:22 PM)**

hello philip

love of my life

the sun in my eye

the apple in my tree

the butter in my sandwich

hellooo

 

**Phil (9:23 PM)**

I’m torn

On the one hand I enjoy being called the love of your life

On the other

What do you want :P

 

**Dan (9:24 PM)**

my phone charger

 

**Phil (9:24 PM)**

Wow Dan

Straight to the point

Come downstairs and get it then

 

**Dan (9:25 PM)**

im editing!!! cut me some slack

 

**Phil (9:25 PM)**

If you’re editing then you don’t need your charger

 

**Dan (9:26 PM)**

i guess you also dont need sex tonight

 

**Phil (9:28 PM)**

.....

 

**Dan (9:33 PM)**

ha

i can hear you coming up here

im gonna say this for you to read when you come back downstairs

I WIN

YOUCANT RESIST THAT BODY LESTER

FACE ITBXDFd0

 

**Dan (9:38 PM)**

Hi Phil, this is Dan, just letting you know you are amazing and I will definitely never say things like that ever again.  Signed Dan (totally not Phil)

 

**Dan (9:41 PM)**

THAT DAN IS A LIAR I AM THE REAL DAN

 

**Dan (9:42 PM)**

Hi this is Dan again, please don’t listen to that Dan, that Dan is delusional and Phil feels very sorry for hihfkmdf

DAN HATES PHIL

THIS IS DAN

HATE PHIL

BYE

You don’t hate Phil you love him

IHATE PHILSD

 

**Phil (2:11 AM)**

You’re asleep and I am shutting down the computer and I just saw all this

What can I say

I win :D

 

-

 

December.

 

**Dan (11:12 PM)**

everyones asleep

theyre weak

 

**Phil (11:12 PM)**

or old like me

I’m only awake to talk to you

 

**Dan (11:13 PM)**

hashtag throwback thursday

 

**Phil (11:13 PM)**

?

 

**Dan (11:14 PM)**

geez

you spoon

i was kidding like

that we always stayed up for each other

you know

throwback thursday?

 

**Phil (11:15 PM)**

What’s that?

 

**Dan (11:17 PM)**

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Throwback%20Thursday

 

**Phil (11:17 PM)**

But that’s about photos =o

 

**Dan (11:18 PM)**

omg

you dont understand my references

you dont understand my jokes

you are officially old i agree

 

**Phil (11:19 PM)**

But you love me

 

**Dan (11:19 PM)**

i dont know why but i do

 

**Phil (11:20 PM)**

:]

I hate that we’re spending Christmas apart again

 

**Dan (11:21 PM)**

me too

mum was asking if you’re ever going to stay for christmas

 

**Phil (11:21 PM)**

My mum was asking me the same thing but about you

 

**Dan (11:22 PM)**

we could almost fit in this bed together

or youd sleep on the rug

 

**Phil (11:22 PM)**

You’re such a good host Dan

 

**Dan (11:23 PM)**

the best

 

**Dan (11:25 PM)**

hey

phil?

 

**Phil (11:27 PM)**

Yeah Dan?

 

**Dan (11:29 PM)**

this year was good

 

**Phil (11:31 PM)**

:)

Yeah

This year was really good

 

**Dan (11:31 PM)**

:)

call me from bed?

 

**Phil (11:33 PM)**

In 15 minutes?

 

**Dan (11:33 PM)**

okay

xx

 

 

-

 

Was that really three years ago? The radio show, planning the book and tour, starting their gaming channel?

Phil shakes his head. Time. Flies. Too. Fast.

 

He checks his phone, cocking a smile at the picture of Dan that serves as his wallpaper. He finds four texts, but none are from Dan. He’s probably arriving home soon.

 

Phil still has a little time to keep on reading. He’s caught up to the first file he opened earlier.

 

-

 

**2015.**

March.

 

**Dan (08:33 PM)**

what are u even doing

 

**Phil (08:34 PM)**

?

I’m doing my liveshow

 

**Dan (08:34 PM)**

yes but DONT TALK ABOUT THE THING

DONT TEASE THE THING

talk about

idk

penguins or something

jesus

 

**Phil (08:36 PM)**

I only talked about *a* book, not *the* book! :(

 

**Dan (08:36 PM)**

dont talk about books

talk about your mum

 

**Phil (08:37 PM)**

I’ll talk about yours

 

**Dan (08:37 PM)**

fuck you

<3

 

**Dan (08:41 PM)**

youre actually talking about penguins

when have i ever loved you more

 

**Phil (08:43 PM)**

Last night?

 

**Dan (08:43 PM)**

...

i take that back

 

-

 

**Phil (08:33 PM)**

I’m hungry

 

**Dan (08:33 PM)**

im literally sat on the other end of the sofa why are you texting me

 

**Phil (08:33 PM)**

Throat hurts

 

**Dan (08:33 PM)**

:(

can you even eat anything like this?

 

**Phil (08:34 PM)**

Doubt it

 

**Phil (08:36 PM)**

I want a large pizza with extra bacon

 

**Dan (08:37 PM)**

youre making it worse for yourself

should we order you some soup

 

**Phil (08:38 PM)**

Order soup?? Make me soup

 

**Dan (08:39 PM)**

im not your slave

 

**Phil (08:42 PM)**

:’(

 

**Dan (08:43 PM)**

ugh

what soup

 

**Phil (08:44 PM)**

Chicken soup?

 

**Dan (08:45 PM)**

do we even have chicken

?

 

**Phil (08:46 PM)**

No

 

**Dan (08:48 PM)**

im not going to the store

forget it

 

**Phil (08:48 PM)**

We need to get a divorce immediately

 

**Dan (08:49 PM)**

we’d need to get married first

 

**Phil (08:50 PM)**

DIVORCE >:[

 

**Dan (08:53 PM)**

.

what else should i get while im at the store

 

 

-

 

May.

 

**Dan (1:01 PM)**

my mum just called andddddddddddddd

anddddddd

and

 

**Phil (1:01 PM)**

Did you????

 

**Dan (1:01 PM)**

yes

:D

 

**Phil (1:01 PM)**

Oh my god

I’m scared

what did sh esay

No

don’t tell me

Come home and tell me

Or no

Tell me now

I can’t wait

 

**Dan (1:02 PM)**

she was really fucking happy for us phil

you can relax

 

**Phil (1:02 PM)**

Really? ??????????

 

**Dan (1:02 PM)**

yeah

no idea what my dad will say but #whatever

mum was pleased

like i mean

it went better than i expected

i mean she obviously adores you

who wouldnt

but you know how it is

 

**Phil (1:02 PM)**

I feel like I had a large cow sitting on me and it finally left

 

**Dan (1:04 PM)**

what on earth is that supposed to mean

 

**Phil (1:04 PM)**

Like I’m relieved!

A heavy weight off my chest you know

 

**Dan (1:04 PM)**

why couldnt you just say that instead of making me imagine a cow sitting on top of you

 

**Phil (1:05 PM)**

I DON’T KNOW DAN MAYBE BECAUSE I’M STRESSED

 

**Dan (1:05 PM)**

deep breaths phil

deep breaths

you have literally nothing to be stressed about

my mum was happy

and once you tell YOUR mum we’re engaged shes going to come all the way to london just to tell me how much she loves me

because im so lovable and wonderful

sooooooo

its good

 

**Phil (1:06 PM)**

So modest

So what did she say?

 

**Dan (1:06 PM)**

im two blocks away are you literally gonna make me type it?

 

**Phil (1:07 PM)**

Please

 

**Dan (1:07 PM)**

asdadas

okay

she said like “i expected this anytime now so i am very happy for you and please let phil pick your suit for the wedding because your choices can be a little unusual love”

 

**Phil (1:08 PM)**

!!!!!

Even your mum agrees

 

**Dan (1:08 PM)**

you have no taste in fashion lester

 

**Phil (1:09 PM)**

But I have a good taste in men

 

**Dan (1:09 PM)**

:)

i disagree

but im happy with your choice

so ill let it slide

im at the front door now

 

**Phil (1:11 PM)**

Coming

 

-

 

Phil would like to say that the tears in his eyes are all because of the flu, but they’re really, really not and he’s not afraid to say it.

Where on earth is Dan? Phil swears he’s been gone for an eternity, and it’s only been a few hours.

 

With a sneeze and a cough, he reads on, memories now very fresh in his mind.

-

 

**2016.**

June.

 

**Dan (11:01 PM)**

when can we leave?

 

**Phil (11:01 PM)**

I don’t know, I don’t think we should be the first ones to go

 

**Dan (11:04 PM)**

im tired of socializing

 

**Phil (11:05 PM)**

We’ve literally talked to like five people

 

**Dan (11:05 PM)**

yes but ive socialized with you

 

**Phil (11:06 PM)**

You always socialize with me

 

**Dan (11:06 PM)**

not in front of other people

 

**Phil (11:07 PM)**

Ehh

I want to go back to the hotel too

I like the conventions but not the parties

 

**Dan (11:08 PM)**

should we go over to that table and get some more of those nibbly salmon things?

 

**Phil (11:08 PM)**

You go and I’ll keep the seats

 

**Dan (11:09 PM)**

how many do u want

 

**Phil (11:09 PM)**

Um

Like 5

 

**Dan (11:10 PM)**

ill bring you 7

 

**Phil (11:11 PM)**

Grab me a drink too

Might as well

 

**Dan (11:12 PM)**

the pink one?

 

**Phil (11:13 PM)**

Obvs yeah!

 

**Dan (11:14 PM)**

ok

brb

 

-

 

November.

 

 

**Dan (8:33 PM)**

tumblr is going crazy over your speech

 

**Phil (8:34 PM)**

From last night?

 

**Dan (8:34 PM)**

yeah

i swear ive seen like a hundred gifs of you saying youve spent the majority of the year with me

 

**Phil (8:35 PM)**

I don’t get the hype

 

**Dan (8:36 PM)**

there are fanfics where you propose during the speech

why havent you done that

that would be so fucking cool

 

**Phil (8:37 PM)**

Oh my god Dan stop reading fanfiction

Also

We’ve been engaged for a year and a half

 

**Dan (8:37 PM)**

yes but PHIL

you could always propose again

next time we get an award

if there is a next time

we could go out of style any moment

this may have been our last one

anyway

you have to do it

 

**Phil (8:38 PM)**

You do it

I can’t live up to the fanfics

 

**Dan (8:39 PM)**

ehh

true

they all think youre this romantic prince

and in reality youre a dork who burnt my lasagna last night

 

**Phil (8:39 PM)**

Wow Dan

tell it like it is

:[

 

**Dan (8:42 PM)**

im at the shops do you want milk

 

-

 

Approaching the current year, Phil finds himself skimming through more and more. He remembers these; they remain vivid in his mind.

Sending each other links to apartments while they were picking out a new one to rent, grocery lists, plans for the evening.

Plans for their new tour.

Plans for the future.

 

Reading through these, as always, has been a real nostalgia trip. Eight years. They’ve been together for _eight long years_.

 

They’re completely different people now, Phil thinks, and yet, they’re still the same. How lucky he’s been to have a constant in his life, this one thing, one _person_ that stayed with him against all odds.

 

A thought strikes him. There’s one more thing he wants to read, but it will take a while to find.

 

He searches through the files, trying to find that point in time, when his phone beeps.

 

-

 

**Dan, 7:17 PM**

im almost homeeeeee

guess what

i bought you marshmallows

a whole bag

i bought 2 more but im keeping them hidden so you dont eat them all at once

 

**Phil, 7:19 PM**

I love you and you’re perfect and I miss you

 

**Dan, 7:19 PM**

wow

thats a passionate response to a bag of marshmallows

 

**Phil, 7:19 PM**

Are you here soon?

 

**Dan, 7:19 PM**

yes

are you feeling better?

 

**Phil, 7:19 PM**

Yes

 

-

 

After sending that last text, he begins coughing intensely. Still, he keeps on browsing the conversation history, wanting to find and see the words written out on the screen one more time.

 

-

 

**2009.**

October.

 

 

**dan misses you (4:41 AM)**

hi phil

i cant sleep

jsut last night i was sleeping next to you

now im alone

and i got up to write to you

phil

those 2 days with you

easily the best time of my life.

i always knew i would like you

always knew you were perfect

but i never knew that we would fit together

you know?

i always thought i was so much worse than you

and you?

you made me feel the opposite?

fuck

i dont know how to say this

 

**dan misses you (4:48 AM)**

when you looked at me

i felt important

when you kissed me

i felt alive

and i just

i feel like this is what i want in my life

just you and me and the world somewhere below us

is this too much? is this creepy

you told me not to doubt

you told me im perfect

and i want to believe you

and in that moment i did

now im here and im alone

and i miss you

and i dont want to ask you if this is too much

i want to believe you that its not

i know you mean it

phil

i know that you love me

i know that i love you

2 days with you

but i know

and

someday

maybe i will believe you when you say that i deserve it

 

**dan misses you (4:52 AM)**

i miss you

 

-

 

Phil jumps when he hears the front door open. He’s got what feels like a mountain lodged in his throat, his breaths are quickened, and his heart is overflowing.

Dan is downstairs. Dan is _home_.

He’s only been gone a few hours. Meeting his mum.

 

It felt like _forever_.

 

“Phiiil, I’m home! Come get your flippin’ marshmallows!”

Phil tosses the blanket on the floor, suddenly feeling cold, and runs, runs, runs. Out of the bedroom, downstairs, to the kitchen, finding Dan unpacking the groceries. Dan. Different, but the same.

Taller. Different hair. Different clothes.

Different voice.

_Dan. The man that he will marry one day._

“There you are! Look at these,” Dan exclaims upon seeing him, grinning from ear to ear, showing Phil a large bag of marshmallows. “I saw these and I thought, _Phil is going to cry when he sees these_ , so I got them – hold on, are you _actually_ crying?”

Dan’s amusement transforms into concern in less than a second. He drops the bag on the counter and walks over to Phil, placing both his hands on Phil’s shoulders.

“No,” Phil says, but there are tears in his eyes. “No, it’s just the cold.”

“The flu.”

“The flu," Phil echoes.

“Are you okay, Phil?” Dan asks. His fingers ruffle Phil’s hair and then rest on his forehead, checking his temperature. “No fever, I think. Have you taken your meds?”

“No, I – I forgot,” he admits.

Dan rolls his eyes, but he’s still smiling.

“Go on, then. You need to get better. We’re starting rehearsals next week, remember? And we promised your mum we’d come visit before that, so basically, you need to be all fine by the weekend, and if you’re gonna be skipping your meds—“

“I love you,” Phil interjects, pulling Dan close, overwhelmed with all of the emotions of the past few hours. “I love you.”

“What’s gotten into you?” Dan replies in that half-entertained, half-worried tone. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’ve been cleaning my old laptop,” Phil mumbles somewhere close to Dan’s face. “Found my old files.”

“And?”

“And our conversations. Skype chat logs.” Phil pauses, pulls away to look at Dan, to meet his eyes. “So I _may_ have been reading them for the past like, what, two hours?”

Dan’s eyes say _you’re hopeless_ and _I love you_ when he fights the urge to smile and finally gives in to it, dimples in his cheeks and happiness in his eyes.

Eight years later, Phil can still bring that expression onto Dan’s face. _How_ lucky is he?

“You’re such a nerd, Phil Lester,” Dan says fondly. “What were you reading?”

“Everything, from – from the beginning until now. Well, not _all_ of it—“

“I’d bloody hope not, there’s enough to fill like fifty books.”

“—but a lot of it.”

“I like to read them sometimes,” Dan admits. “I like the old ones. We were cringy as fuck, but so happy.”

They share a look, a knowing look that speaks of the past, the present and the future.

Eight years. They _know_ each other so well. They don’t have to hide things, and they don’t have to be afraid to say them out loud.

They can just be themselves, content in the knowledge that they both love each other for who they are.

“Aren’t we still?” Phil asks, smiling back. Dan’s hand is cupping Phil’s cheek now, his thumb wiping away a stray tear.

He’s being too emotional. It must be the flu.

“I think we are, yeah. Especially the cringy bit.”

 

Phil shakes his head. Dan grins and then leans in to kiss him, unafraid of catching the illness. They share everything, bed and germs included. Dan will probably have the flu in three days anyway.

So they kiss, and it’s so familiar, and yet, it’s _always_ new. Dan’s lips taste of coffee and the crisp air outside, and of the memories that Phil holds so dear, even despite living a better version of them.

 

They pull away at the same time, but their faces remain close, foreheads and noses touching. They’re both smiling.

Dan is the one to break the silence.

 

“What do you want for dinner?”

 

~~~~~

 

**THE END.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There we are, then! This fic has been one hell of a ride, thank you for being on it with me. Your feedback, your comments, have really gotten me through many difficult days and made me feel so motivated. Thank you so much! Please comment on this one too. I've had it planned for months, and only started stressing about it yesterday. 
> 
> Thank you to autumn-in-phandom for helping me out with this fic a lot, and to all the others that answered my questions/gave me advice. You're the best!
> 
> I might revisit this universe with a one-shot or two if there is demand for it :)  
> Feel free to come chat with me on tumblr: [phanbliss.tumblr.com](http://phanbliss.tumblr.com/)!


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